Pharyngula

Godless dolls

Jen, in response to someone making a line of clerical Barbie dolls, has created her own contribution: Atheist Barbie. She’s kickin’.

i-01dcb74bb7f48b95ee8a5ac9cbd36a5b-barbie.jpeg

I like her…although if word gets out that pants are not part of the atheist outfit, we’re going to have a surge of male membership and all the women will stay home. The pants are optional, OK?

Now, though, we’re missing someone important: where’s Gaytheist Ken?

And don’t get me started on G.I. Joe. They were always just a little too butch.

Get on the job, Mattel! I want these by Christmas!

Comments

  1. #1 Nerd of Redhead, OM
    April 9, 2010

    Get on the job, Mattel! I want these by ChristSquidmas!

    *Three cheers for Jen. Hip, hip, calamari…*

  2. #2 Glen Davidson
    April 9, 2010

    Where’s the statue of Darwin for her to worship?

    Glen D
    http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p

  3. #3 Fil
    April 9, 2010

    Atheist GI Joe? Nah, too don’t ask, don’t tell. Atheist Ken? Mmm, too wimpy.

    Atheist Brian, perfect. Also, loin cloth. Pants and sexuality both optional of course. :-)

  4. #4 nonsensemachine
    April 9, 2010

    By Christmas? Why? You’re an atheist. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

  5. #5 tsg
    April 9, 2010

    Surprise orgies? I am clearly not hanging out with the right atheists….

  6. #6 georgefromnewyork
    April 9, 2010

    “have a surge of male membership”

    That’s one way to put it.

  7. #7 John Twilley
    April 9, 2010

    Wow. That looks a lot like Rebecca Watson… except for the lack of pants. Rebecca wears pants.

  8. #8 John Morales
    April 9, 2010

    John Twilley,

    Rebecca wears pants.

    So… She ain’t ready for surprise orgies.

    Ah well, neither am I. Catches me every time, you’d think I’d learn.

  9. #9 Brian
    April 9, 2010

    And the blond hair. But otherwise, yes.

  10. #10 Gyeong Hwa Pak, Scholar of Shen Zhou
    April 9, 2010

    And don’t get me started on G.I. Joe. They were always just a little too butch

    Hey now. I happen to like G.I. Joe the way he is. All that muscle, and that rugged look. All we need to do is add a brain and drop the machismo and he’s gold!

  11. #11 Roy Wayne
    April 9, 2010

    I’ll buy it and give it to my younger cousin, even though he’s a guy. Everyone needs a role model!

  12. #12 Holytape
    April 9, 2010

    And don’t get me started on G.I. Joe. They were always just a little too butch….

    I won’t ask, if you don’t tell. Shipweck and Gun-ho were good friends and nothing more.

    The story of Noah.

  13. #13 alysonmiers
    April 9, 2010

    lunch

    *sporfle*

  14. #14 Marie the Bookwyrm
    April 9, 2010

    To Glen D. @ #2-It’s obviously back at Barbie’s Atheist Dream House.

    Hmmmm. Now how do you suppose that’s furnished?

  15. #15 dmfarley
    April 9, 2010

    omg i have that tshirt.

  16. #16 jcmartz.myopenid.com
    April 10, 2010

    Laptop bag for easy access to atheist blogs and emergency use of Snopes.

    But do we really know that there is a laptop in the bag?

  17. #17 MolBio
    April 10, 2010

    Hey, wouldn’t you feel safe knowing the only clergy your child was undressing was only a Barbie Doll? :p

  18. #18 Bride of Shrek OM
    April 10, 2010

    I’m having my doubts that she’s a True Atheist(TM) as I see no sign of bacon. Or dead kittens either for that matter.

  19. #19 Rey Fox
    April 10, 2010

    “Believing in God is HARD!”

  20. #20 Numad
    April 10, 2010

    What’s the status on skirts, then?

  21. #21 am91962
    April 10, 2010

    They forgot self-esteem and the power to run one’s own life

  22. #22 Crudely Wrott
    April 10, 2010

    No pants!!?
    To be ready for whaaat!!?
    Oh, that oughta get sosmeones goin.
    Bless they heads and their awful little goins.

    Inspired rhyme follows:

    Although we can bait ‘em

    We surely don’t hate ‘em
    Though the reverse may not alwaysbe true.

    To speak a thing truly
    To some is unruly
    Like getting eaten alive by a Grue.

    I feel better now. Not lots, just a little. ‘S nice.

  23. #23 Crudely Wrott
    April 10, 2010

    D’ho.

    the line should read

    “Bless they heads and their awful little groins.”

    There is also that glaringly missing space. Too late now.

    I’m such a wreck for all the news
    Confounded by the myriad views.
    While all the parties claim their stake
    I’d just as soon consume this
    BACON!!!

    I promise to proofread more carefully, someday.

  24. #24 ThirdMonkey
    April 10, 2010

    Finally, a Barbie that I find attractive!
    Must be the glasses.

  25. #25 Crudely Wrott
    April 10, 2010

    The glasses. Yes! That what drew me in, too. Into, I dunno, the fantasy of a girl who needs glasses?

    If I were a good believer I would insist that Dog see to her need, seeing as he is similarly hard of seeing as I am hard of hearing. Whatta club! We inform it!!

    It makes sense to ask one of the least what the greatest sees. It’s the glasses. They are made of dark glass. But they lighten under the proper attitude. Do you have the right attitude? Would you like to learn more? Press “Enter.”

    How cool is that?

    *ahh, sorry, baby. I gotta split*
    **if you wanna know if she loves your ass it’s in her glass — that’s where it is**

  26. #26 blf
    April 10, 2010

    Isn’t it supposed to have tentacles, claws, horns, breathes fire, and (as already mentioned) bacon? Plus a few burning goats? Atheists these days are so fecking nice, neat and clean. Raining balls of fiery goats! That’s what’s needed…

  27. #27 am91962
    April 10, 2010

    Let’s be honest, you can never have enough animal sacrifices.

  28. #28 Crudely Wrott
    April 10, 2010

    Tentacles, Blf? Claws, horns, firery breathy and burning goats?? We can do so much better. I’m thinking reenactments of ancient religious rites (as opposed to rights as they are lately known) as public amusement. After all, if you vacation out west, say in Jackson, Wyoming, you will be subject to dramatizations of outlaw behavior, infant law enforcement tactics and a very loose definition of law. Oh, how nice it was back then. Damned shame that this is now.

    I spend a good deal of time wondering how the lot of us will survive the replacement of our knowledge of how to survive and prosper with the implication that we cannot meet current or impending threats. I do not yield to that.

    Conundrums seem to flock about previously indigent conundrums. What shall we do, what shall we do? I do not ask rhetorically. What does one do?

  29. #29 scooterKPFT
    April 10, 2010

    @27
    Sacrifice is good but fried Onions a sin? I’m confused. Why do you hate tears?

  30. #30 Crudely Wrott
    April 10, 2010

    On the other hand I wear a glove.

    Printed on the cuff is a simple imperative: “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”

    A half century of trying to identify meaning and intent and justify their coexistence, I am near to yielding. It’s such a hard slog that I just want to pick up hands full of dirt and poo and start flinging it all. Then it occurs to me that those I hit on purpose wouldn’t get the message. They’d just assume a high-flying bird had shit on them.

    How close to reality is that assumption.

  31. #31 Andreas Johansson
    April 10, 2010

    I like her?although if word gets out that pants are not part of the atheist outfit, we’re going to have a surge of male membership and all the women will stay home.

    I’d thought the opposite – women are the ones who get away with wearing skirts* after all.

    * As every social conservative knows, skirts are for easy access. That’s why sex-crazed males can’t be trusted to wear them, and why you should keep the hell away from Scotland.

  32. #32 bubbabubba666
    April 10, 2010

    This is ridiculous. If she wants to be ready for surprise orgies she should have a skirt with no underwear.

  33. #33 phoenicianromans
    April 10, 2010

    Let’s get one thing straight – Atheist Barbie doesn’t come with Ken.

    She comes with GI Joe. But she’s ashamed of it, and fakes it with Ken.

  34. #34 blf
    April 10, 2010

    &hellipp; and why you should keep the hell away from Scotland.

    Another reason! That makes it 1,562,384,229 on my list of Reasons to Avoid Scotland.

    Still not a patch on England! I lost count on that list after the number of reasons exceeded Avogadro’s Number. That is, on the first day of compiling the list.

  35. #35 cfmilner
    April 10, 2010

    Dye her hair, put some jeans on her … it’s like looking in a mirror!

    I’m having my doubts that she’s a True Atheist(TM) as I see no sign of bacon

    Ahh, but it’s in the bottom of her lunch bag. Juicy baby with a bacon chaser.

    Vicar’s Daughter

  36. #36 MarianLibrarian
    April 10, 2010

    This is way better than my custom Barbies (Bad Drag Ken, Professor Jellyfish, and Triclops Virgin Mary Kate Olsen). My dad had an idea for a conspiracy theory Barbie, complete with tinfoil hat. I think I should make one now.

  37. #37 'Tis Himself, OM
    April 10, 2010

    Atheist Barbie doesn’t come with Ken. She comes with GI Joe. But she’s ashamed of it, and fakes it with Ken.

    Isn’t the whole point of the orgies to make it with as many others as possible?

  38. #38 Sili
    April 10, 2010

    I don’t see what’s not to love about GI Joe.

  39. #39 sidheag
    April 10, 2010

    This is surely an interesting perversion, based on linguistic confusion, of the “no pants, to be ready for surprise orgies” meme. The pants in question are surely supposed to be pants in the British English sense, i.e. underpants, which are to be omitted while retaining the trousers or skirt. That makes more sense, surely!

  40. #40 MarianLibrarian
    April 10, 2010

    But sidheag, this way (lacking American pants) is so much funnier.

  41. #41 phoenicianromans
    April 10, 2010

    Isn’t the whole point of the orgies to make it with as many others as possible?

    Oh, she plays the godless trollup like any good card-carrying atheist(*). But her problem is that she’s found, much to her horror, that she can only reach the Big O when there’s the smell of blood and a bit of brutality – when she makes Joe keep his combat boots on, she gets there several times in a row regularly.

    Or at least she used to. Lately she’s come to suspect that this COBRA Joe is always bragging about beating is a fake organisation, possibly just a CIA boogeyman with no substance to it. And, you know, Joe’s habit of accidentally calling her “Short-Fuze” in the throes of passion is really turning her off. Recently she’s just sorta lain there and faked it – and if she’s going to do that, she might as well do it with latte-swilling Ken, who she can at least have a conversation with afterwards.

    Poor Barbie. She’s going to have to work hard to recapture that sense of danger – they don’t make biker bar playsets anymore. She’s even seriously considering soliciting a teddy bear or two.

    Is it any wonder the poor girl has an eating disorder?

  42. #42 phoenicianromans
    April 10, 2010

    (*) Card carrying atheists – check the fifth paragraph of the small print for the godless trollop expectations. I;m not naming names, but some of you are just not, um, pulling your weight and the rest of us are getting B-vitamin deficiencies trying to make up for you slackers.

  43. #43 Judy L.
    April 10, 2010

    Wait – why is there a baby in her lunch bag? Is she going to EAT that baby? Are atheists suppose to eat babies for lunch, because I didn’t get that memo and had egg salad yesterday.

  44. #44 scooterKPFT
    April 10, 2010

    Those are the same panties I bouught for Atheist Girl on Valentines Day but they look so much better on me when I drop my children off at the post modern satan worship METHodist re-uptake inhibitor Babtist block center.

  45. #45 Bride of Shrek OM
    April 10, 2010

    phoenicianromans

    Oh, she plays the godless trollup like any good card-carrying atheist

    ..sweet god, I’m trying to be as slutty as I can in the name of atheism but jebus, what with all the baby eating, kitten slaughtering and general fear mongering I find it hard to be as trollopy( yes, that is a word, I just made up) as usual.

    Janine,SC, Patricia and Ol’Greg will have to just pull extra shifts and be godlessly trollopy while I’m busy.

  46. #46 Stuart
    April 10, 2010

    The ‘pants’ thing doesn’t really translate across the pond… well not in terms of the picture anyway

  47. #47 Sven DiMilo
    April 10, 2010

    You fools!

    All somebody like Donohue has to do now is get one of these and start, like, sticking pins in it and burning it with cigarettes and giving it swirlies in the toilet!

    The Worldwide New Atheist Movement is toast!

  48. #48 llewelly
    April 10, 2010

    Judy L. | April 10, 2010 7:33 AM:

    Wait – why is there a baby in her lunch bag? Is she going to EAT that baby? Are atheists suppose to eat babies for lunch, because I didn’t get that memo and had egg salad yesterday.

    Uh oh. Two more strikes and you’re out. Better shape up. You’re in danger of excommunication.

  49. #49 Ol'Greg
    April 10, 2010

    She has my glasses!

    Yay! Atheist barbie is my new role model. Now how to explain the pants thing to HR…

  50. #50 Kieranfoy
    April 10, 2010

    Me, I want to see a Cthulhu Mythos Baribie, with Evil Priestess costume (think Dagon), sacrificial knife, and detachable Eldritch tentacles for Eldritch Transformations.

    Hell, we could make a My Little Eldritch Abomination series. Your own cuddly Blind Idiot God. The Big Soft Teddy Bear who sleeps, dreaming, at R’lyeh.

    I am brill.

    Also, Llwelly? It’s INcommunication. We’re excummunicated by default.

  51. #51 Kieranfoy
    April 10, 2010

    Dammnit! I meant Non-Euclidian tentacles. Two Eldritchs in a sentance, way to overbalanced.

    Also, I to am falling behind on the Atheist hyer-sexuality bit, so I’d love some help.

    WOOF, WOOF!

    In the words of the great Atheist role model, Lord Flasheart!

  52. #52 Givesgoodemail
    April 10, 2010

    As long as we’re doing comic wonkiness today…

  53. #53 aratina cage
    April 10, 2010

    where’s Gaytheist Ken?

    He and the husbeast, Steven, are out protesting a scheduled appearance of the odious Malibu Barbie at a UCLA event.

  54. #54 OurDeadSelves
    April 10, 2010

    Now just wait minute. When did Barbie evolve flat feet?

  55. #55 Bruce Godfrey
    April 10, 2010

    Does it make me a sick shallow puppy that I keep seeing Rebecca Watson when I see this picture of this new product? Oh for shame.

  56. #56 shonny
    April 10, 2010

    Is my eyesight going, or does she look a bit like Saracuda Palin, in particular with those glasses?
    Ooch!

  57. #57 Sven DiMilo
    April 10, 2010

    Wrong shonny.
    She does look a bit like Tina Fey.
    It’s an easy mistake to make.

  58. #58 Chronos Tachyon
    April 11, 2010

    I already have both the gaytheist and the G. I. Joe angles covered: see this Picasa album.

  59. #59 https://me.yahoo.com/a/CmcUpM0h2eQXK59uQE5a80Vb74cwyvFNMMk-#20c72
    April 11, 2010

    Also, Llwelly? It’s INcommunication. We’re excummunicated by default.

    Wouldn’t that be REcommunication? (For those excommunicated, anyway) That would be far nastier, anyway; to be back sitting in the pews singing “Just As I Am” and anticipating that bad wine and those nasty-ass crackers before you ‘pass the peace’… [/shudder]

    -dwarf zebu