Pharyngula

i-ebea755d12d9cf734c8dce8ca8a5e301-jesus_cuts.jpeg

Comments

  1. #1 Recovered Catholic
    April 13, 2010

    Ha! … and not a speck of cereal!

  2. #2 Sastra
    April 13, 2010

    Ah, but this is only blasphemous in essence — not in empirical fact.

  3. #3 jchild
    April 13, 2010

    Would prefer a slow smoking, personally.

  4. #4 Qwerty
    April 13, 2010

    And the “thumbs up” in the upper right corner has a nail in it!

    Ahhh.. Priceless.

  5. #5 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    April 13, 2010

    Looks like it’s steak for dinner tonight.

    *lets his food pedantry ignore the placement of those cuts.

  6. #6 Qwerty
    April 13, 2010

    Hey, PZ, did you email a copy of this to Bill Donohue? He needs distribe material for his next fund-raising letter.

  7. #7 Glen Davidson
    April 13, 2010

    At least they skipped the organ meats. That could get gross fast.

    Glen D
    http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p

  8. #8 Qwerty
    April 13, 2010

    My post should read “diatribe material.”

    I went to the Rev. BDC’s school of typos.

  9. #9 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    April 13, 2010

    At least they skipped the organ meats. That could get gross fast.

    If by gross you mean delicious!

  10. #10 MScott
    April 13, 2010

    If Jesus is the lamb of god, shouldn’t there be lamb fries?

  11. #11 Qwerty
    April 13, 2010

    And no bacon!

  12. #12 Capital Dan
    April 13, 2010

    Looks like mostly stew meat.

  13. #13 daveau
    April 13, 2010

    I’m still confused. Which part is the cracker made out of, again?

  14. #14 ddpej
    April 13, 2010

    Whoever designed that gets points for the idea but loses almost as many for creativity — those cuts aren’t even close to accurate.

  15. #15 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    April 13, 2010

    those cuts aren’t even close to accurate.

    I suspended my anatomical and butchering knowledge for the joke.

  16. #16 cactusren
    April 13, 2010

    What, no cracker-bacon?

  17. #17 Qwerty
    April 13, 2010

    One wonders. Would it be sacrilegious to go into a Catholic church, receive communion and blurt out, “Yummy, tastes like white meat of chicken!”

  18. #18 Rey Fox
    April 13, 2010

    I’m a little surprised at the “going to hell for this” in the title of the post. Too close to granting the religious their assumptions of reality. It’s a talisman of the still-religious or waffly to hopefully ward off the actual wrath of a god while they try to make humor. I don’t bother with that anymore.

  19. #19 jasondcrane
    April 13, 2010

    I posted this link the other day, but it’s even more perfect for this graphic. Read or listen to my poem, “Transubstantiation Is A Crock(pot)”

    Enjoy! Yum!

    Jason

  20. #20 aratina cage
    April 13, 2010

    What?! No Golgotha Oysters, my favorite part?

  21. #21 https://me.yahoo.com/a/DhjBEuJ8pt63x6eBKuPx0Jv9_QE-#7c327
    April 13, 2010

    Shouldn’t there have been a vat of blood, with an Ernest and Julio Gallo wine label on it? This needs to be complete. Also, is he kosher? Jews need to know.

  22. #22 kiyaroru
    April 13, 2010

    No one knows the real&trade nature of Jeezy’s body.
    Maybe his tibia really&trade was connected to his scapula.
    (dem bones dem bones dem dry bones)

  23. #23 Standard curve
    April 13, 2010

    But yet it still tastes like styrofoam.

  24. #24 The Petey
    April 13, 2010

    mmmmmmm

    Brisket of Nazareth

    nom nom nom

  25. #25 The Petey
    April 13, 2010

    But Wait… Jeseus was Jewish,
    You can’t eat below the rib-cage.

    It’s not Kosher.

  26. #26 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    April 13, 2010

    What?! No Golgotha Oysters, my favorite part?

    um

    wow

    Rolled in cornmeal and fried to a crisp.

  27. #27 RickR
    April 13, 2010

    Oh! This reminds me- I need to pick up a pound of sliced, lean roast beef at the market.

  28. #28 Insightful Ape
    April 13, 2010

    Oh, come on, now.
    Some of us are vegetarians.

  29. #29 Benjamin Geiger
    April 13, 2010
  30. #30 JD
    April 13, 2010

    Call PETA!

  31. #31 aratina cage
    April 13, 2010

    um
    wow

    Come on, Rev. We can’t let any parts go to waste.

    Rolled in cornmeal and fried to a crisp.

    …and wrapped in bacon. Now that’s the spirit!

  32. #32 creating trons
    April 13, 2010

    what are the numbers next to each cut for?

    mmm…jebus, wrapped in bacon, on the grill, medium rare of course!

  33. #33 IslandBrewer
    April 13, 2010

    Am I the only one here upset that they got most of the cuts completely wrong? The ribs and shank are all mixed up! As are the flank and rump.

    As a tough muscley carpenter, Jesus should be corned or marinated for at least a good couple hours for most cuts. Or you can cross-cut some Jesus tri-tip and fry it for Jesus Fajitas.

    Remember to limit your servings of Jesus to only a couple times a week, particularly if you’re watching your cholesterol.

  34. #34 CJO
    April 13, 2010

    Is it free range, kosher-fed jesus, or that nasty stuff, full of hormones and antibiotics from a giant feedlot?

  35. #35 drf5n1
    April 13, 2010

    They’re hanging him upside down.

    From the Meat Standards of Australia: beef chart

  36. #36 Paul Burnett
    April 13, 2010

    Braise the Lord! 450 degrees F for ten minutes – salt and butter to taste.

  37. #37 The Atheist Jew
    April 13, 2010

    I’d like to see a Mohammed meat chart.

  38. #38 Swampfoot
    April 13, 2010

    Posting this on Facebook is a sure way to shed friends in a hurry, if you have any that can’t take a joke – I can tell you this from recent experience!

  39. #39 alistair.coleman
    April 13, 2010

    Mmm… Holy Shepherd’s Pie

  40. #40 spaghettificatedgod
    April 13, 2010

    @ #36

    “Braise the Lord!”

    Now that’s funny! I laughed out loud*.

    *compliment requires more than the trendy acronym.

  41. #41 blf
    April 13, 2010

    Someone is going to burn in hell…

    Yes, all that tasty meat if you leave it for too long.

  42. #42 IslandBrewer
    April 13, 2010

    @Swampfoot #38

    Posting this on Facebook is a sure way to shed friends in a hurry, if you have any that can’t take a joke – I can tell you this from recent experience!

    The more friends I have on Facebook, the more I have to self-censor. (Yes, assuming I actually want to keep my friends.) Shedding a few might not be an entirely bad idea.

  43. #43 tms
    April 13, 2010

    Come on, Rev. We can’t let any parts go to waste.

    What’s that the processors say?
    “Everything’s used but the squeal.”

  44. #44 IslandBrewer
    April 13, 2010

    Wait, can we eat Jesus if he doesn’t chew his cud? Isn’t he technically unclean according to Leviticus?

    Oh, wait! I was thinking there was some consistency in religion! Silly me. Gimme a double bacon Jeeez(us)burger!

  45. #45 keenacat
    April 13, 2010

    I’m not used to eating Zombie. Still, I guess a nice stew might be in order, simmer long and slowly for maximum tenderness and to prevent resurrection.
    Some nice bread for dipping (avoid stale cracker though).

  46. #46 Jeez-Its
    April 13, 2010

    Cannibalising Jesus has never looked so tasty!

  47. #47 Epikt
    April 13, 2010

    IslandBrewer:

    Am I the only one here upset that they got most of the cuts completely wrong? The ribs and shank are all mixed up! As are the flank and rump.

    They also left off the meat thermometer insertion point in his side.

  48. #48 WashingMachine0
    April 13, 2010

    Reminds me of that picture I saw a while back that had Jesus crucified and said “If you’re Jesus and you know it, clap your hands!”

  49. #49 chuckgoecke
    April 13, 2010

    For those of you who are really planning to carve up jebeus when he comes back, don’t use this diagram, its got the anatomy all wrong. I seem to remember seeing one by PETA of a young lady, with pretty much the right cuts properly identified. She looked a bit more tender and juicy, if I recall correctly.

  50. #50 Flea
    April 13, 2010

    I have a vision of Colorectal cancer here.

  51. #51 mechanoid
    April 13, 2010

    I know I shouldn’t eat thee, but — [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

  52. #52 jcmartz.myopenid.com
    April 13, 2010

    Holy cow. I can almost picture Bill Donohue fuming and screaming, and ranting.

  53. #53 epicureanparadox
    April 13, 2010

    Are these choice cuts available in a Carolina BBQ sauce/style? *smacks lips*

  54. #54 'Tis Himself, OM
    April 13, 2010

    But Wait… Jeseus was Jewish, You can’t eat below the rib-cage. It’s not Kosher.

    Since humans neither chew the cud nor cleave the hoof, no part of them is kosher.

  55. #55 https://me.yahoo.com/a/hMTnrH8JkegRx6gXqRPC43XjYan1vnC7vw--#c00c5
    April 13, 2010

    But where’s Jesus’ T-bone?
    Surely the son of god is not all stew meat?

    I’m not ordering a side if there’s no Savior Steaks.

    Longstreet63
    (who needs to stop logging in with a Yahoo account)

  56. #56 blf
    April 13, 2010

    I just had a nice pork risotto for dinner. Wasn’t made with Mythical Long Pig.

  57. #57 hznfrst
    April 13, 2010

    Hannibal Lecter could give “I love Jesus” a whole new meaning – with a nice Chianti.

  58. #58 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    April 13, 2010

    What’s that the processors say?
    “Everything’s used but the squeal.”

    then that processor doesn’t know what he’s doing

    From the rooter to the tooter

  59. #59 hznfrst
    April 13, 2010

    Hannibal Lecter could give “I love Jesus” a whole new meaning – with a nice Chianti.

  60. #60 JackC
    April 13, 2010

    For those of you who are really planning to carve up jebeus when he comes back, don’t use this diagram, its got the anatomy all wrong.

    As was pointed out – several times – earlier, they are hanging Jeebus upside down. No excuse, I know.

    JC

  61. #61 peter.waine
    April 13, 2010

    I’d love a Pop Tart

  62. #62 Cath the Canberra Cook
    April 13, 2010

    Yes, they are surely going to burn in hell. Their knowledge of butchery is total crap. Just about everything is pointing to the wrong spot on the carcass.

    Yeah, I know it’s been said already but I take my cooking seriously damnit! I had lamb shanks with rosemary, red wine & bacon slow cooking overnight. Try that with saviour shanks!

  63. #63 Brain Hertz
    April 13, 2010

    It’s an outrage!

    The rump, short loin and brisket are all in totally the wrong places. Sheesh.

  64. #64 melior
    April 13, 2010

    Paul Burnett @36:

    Braise the Lord!

    Win!

  65. #65 chgo_liz
    April 13, 2010

    Insightful Ape @ #28:

    Oh, come on, now.
    Some of us are vegetarians.

    Since the guy supposedly doesn’t die, I think it’s OK for us vegetarians to eat him. Kind of like eating cheese or eggs.

    But, because he’s working his job there on the cross, a vegan would consider eating his manhandles (oh, yes, I had to go there) similar to eating honey: in other words, treif.

  66. #66 JohnnieCanuck
    April 13, 2010

    A few more like that, Paul @36 and you’ll be Order of the Molly material.

    Braise Him, Braise Him, Braise the Lamb of Cod. Wait…

    Should that be with a white or a red wine?

  67. #67 Robbie
    April 13, 2010

    Bet you, it tastes like tripe.

  68. #68 Screechy_Monkey
    April 13, 2010

    “I can almost picture Bill Donohue fuming and screaming, and ranting.”

    Donohue is like Old Faithful — he erupts and spouts a lot of hot air every 90 minutes or so.
    If you could run a turbine off outrage, Donohue would single-handedly end the world’s energy problems.

  69. #69 Peter H
    April 13, 2010

    Has no one noticed that the depiction of crucifixion is quite in error? And every crucifix I’ve ever seen. Roman era churchmen and artists were not expected to be so much up on their anatomy – even though the centurions were, but these present-day threads have many folk who are more aware of the physical aspects of human (is that perhaps my error?) physiology in staging a successful crucifixion?

  70. #70 ironflange
    April 13, 2010

    Nothing sacrilegious here. Jesus himself said “Take and eat, this is my body.” I’ll go fire up the grill now.

  71. #71 John Twilley
    April 13, 2010

    One word: TRIPE

    For those of you NOT ROTFLYAO…look it up.

    OK, OK.
    Fried Chitterlings and Hog Maws.
    You wouldn’t want to waste the intestines or stomach!

  72. #72 neurosink
    April 13, 2010

    @chgo_liz #65

    Insightful Ape @ #28:

    Oh, come on, now. Some of us are vegetarians.

    Since the guy supposedly doesn’t die, I think it’s OK for us vegetarians to eat him. Kind of like eating cheese or eggs.

    But, because he’s working his job there on the cross, a vegan would consider eating his manhandles (oh, yes, I had to go there) similar to eating honey: in other words, treif.

    Yup, I’ve known vegans who have stated (if they were interested) that human flesh would be acceptable if the individual consciously made the decision to donate it. I think they were joking.

    But still, the guy is supposed to be a half-god. Maybe eating him will give us limited god powers (not sure if you can get limited god powers, since they’re…you know…god powers). I’d possibly give up my veganism temporarily for that chance!

  73. #73 deriamis
    April 13, 2010

    I prefer my Jesus ground up and on bun with mushrooms and swiss. *chomp* Mmmmf gwth!

  74. #74 neurosink
    April 14, 2010

    Quoting failure :(

  75. #75 https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawmVT1LBhwmO9ej9LNg7a5e9d-AVJ8ezfmE
    April 14, 2010

    Soylent Green is god!

  76. #76 Timaahy
    April 14, 2010

    Shanks be to God.

  77. #77 Levi in NY
    April 14, 2010

    Christianity and meat. Two things I’m very glad I live without.

  78. #78 Menyambal
    April 14, 2010

    “The only way that I am ever going to understand Christianity is to kill Jesus and eat his brain.”

  79. #79 Pitini
    April 14, 2010

    What about his but cheeks? Hot cross buns anyone?

  80. #80 Twin-Skies
    April 14, 2010

    Perhaps now is a good time to introduce one particular bit of Philippine Cuisine:

    Soup Number 5, anyone? ;)

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soup_Number_Five

  81. #81 the.annabelle.morris.effect
    April 14, 2010

    Is it bad that my first thought was that you can’t possibly get that much meat from one skinny guy?

  82. #82 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    April 14, 2010

    One word: TRIPE

    For those of you NOT ROTFLYAO…look it up.

    Why would I be laughing at tripe?

    OK, OK.
    Fried Chitterlings and Hog Maws.
    You wouldn’t want to waste the intestines or stomach!

    Been there for the chitlins, not so much on the Hog Maws.

  83. #83 tiggerthewing#8a4e4
    April 14, 2010

    Even some religious people might find this funny. They post similar stuff.

    Last week, on the bus, Number Four Son pointed out a billboard outside a church. Above a sketch image of a crucified Jesus (top half only, fully clothed) were the words:

    “I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH”.