…and this is a 
The fundraiser that will decide whether Big Dave and I will have to shave off our beards has passed the halfway mark — you have donated £805.33 for Barnardo's children's charity — but I notice that some people are still voting "no beard", and we can't have that. To counter these weak sallies into beardlessness, I'm going to have to regularly remind you of glorious beards, and today we start at the top.
That's right, people with beards have that aura of great majesty and power, just like Jehovah. Would you ask God to shave? Look at that glorious beard — it's almost as good as Dan Dennett's. You must vote for the beard.
Now you may be marshaling counterarguments in your head: "What about Buddha", you're thinking, and "Hardly any kind of god at all", I reply, "When has Buddha ever annihilated a city with a column of fire?" Or you might be thinking "But I'm an atheist!" or "Hey, women don't have beards, and they're perfectly lovely", to which I say "Satan! He's got a beard, too."
And see? He's apparently a lesbian as well, so the ladies can feel comfortable voting for the feminist bearded option.
Do the right thing. Donate £2 or more, and vote FOR the beard.
P.S. The rules clearly state one vote per person, so if you're thinking of maximizing your impact by donating £10 in 5 £2 votes, it won't work. Just vote once. If you've already donated, you can ignore my pleas.
Comments
Posted by: toadslick
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June 24, 2010 7:07 AM
If we donate and vote for beard, can we pick from the God or Satan styles?
Posted by: Andrew Hall
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June 24, 2010 7:13 AM
No beard = No street cred
You'd need to get yourself a badass tattoo in case the beard goes.
http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/
Posted by: Forbidden Snowflake
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June 24, 2010 7:19 AM
All I said was, thatpiece of halibutbeard was good enough for Jehovah.Posted by: bigdavesb
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June 24, 2010 7:20 AM
Also, give the bank charges with each transaction, one vote will also mean more money for charity!
God is what some people imagine the *perfect* being to be. They give him a beard. Coincidence?
I'd love Simon to go for a full on Gandalf to be honest, but not sure he could achieve that in three months.
Posted by: great.american.satan
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June 24, 2010 7:35 AM
I effing love that book cover. I've seen it before. But looks can be deceiving... I netflixed the movies "Nude for Satan" and "Vampiros Lesbos" just for the cool titles, and Hell they sucked - not in the good way I'd hoped.
"Queer Pulp" is a book with questionable facts but so many excellent pictures of that sort. I heartily recommend it.
And for people who like the art from back when being gay was illegal and therefore cool, but are looking for something in a film, I recommend "Scorpio Rising" - also available on Netflix.
Hail Satan.
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage
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June 24, 2010 7:38 AM
Let's not forget Darwin's magnificent facial plumage.
Posted by: hitblade
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June 24, 2010 8:19 AM
Big beards can make anyone into a great philosopher, but beware the mustache! no matter how awesome it is, unless you have a matching beard to go with it, it might drive you insane. Just look at Nietzsche! Big mustache, no beard, insane. Not convinced? Jamie Hyneman! Clearly beards>mustaches. Earlier I wanted to see pz's face in the nude, but as I am studying philosophy, that would be hypocritical of me.
Posted by: recovering catholic
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June 24, 2010 8:27 AM
Just made a donation, but never saw a place to vote about beards! Dang!
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp
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June 24, 2010 8:28 AM
Posted by: Kieranfoy, Faerie Godfather of Death, GMKSC, OED
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June 24, 2010 8:33 AM
Um, Rev...
Who is that man? 'cause I recall taking Basic English with him in college, I swear to Sithis.
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp
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June 24, 2010 8:36 AM
Kieranfoy!
Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
Posted by: Kieranfoy, Faerie Godfather of Death, GMKSC, OED
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June 24, 2010 8:42 AM
Oh, him.
Yeah, guess I didn't learn the basics of the language with him, did I?
Posted by: Rev. BigDumbChimp
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June 24, 2010 9:06 AM
I guess it's possible. When were you in school?
Posted by: Ibis3, féministe avec un titre française de fantaisie
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June 24, 2010 9:11 AM
Jehovah only looks like that cuz he got his fashion sense from Jupiter, king of gods and men. You can't get greater than that.
Posted by: Moira Manion
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June 24, 2010 9:13 AM
ooo! I think I saw that paperback at Dreamhaven Books in Minneapolis! Gotta go find it!
Posted by: iambilly
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June 24, 2010 9:14 AM
What was Frank thinking? Or smoking? Seriously.
Posted by: iambilly
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June 24, 2010 9:17 AM
Wait. I just want to see if I have the cover of that book right in my mind. "Satan was a Lesbian." So Satan (a male (in virtually every pantheon)) is a male who likes women? That would make him straight? My mind just derailed on the Hogtown Lead switch. Again.
Posted by: Deadbunnygangsta
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June 24, 2010 9:38 AM
Before shaving anything off, I would take time to look up and see "Jack Horner" as of late....
Posted by: Deepsix
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June 24, 2010 9:46 AM
Some do. I've seen them at Wal-Mart.
Posted by: iambilly
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June 24, 2010 9:58 AM
Those would be the dwarven women (see LOTR2(film) for exact quote).
Posted by: keenacat
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June 24, 2010 10:12 AM
iambilly:
In fact, satan might well identify as lesbian.
Cave: Leaving sex=gender-territory now!
I like to imagine that satan, if he existed, would be totally genderqueer, since OMG would the religious fundies be pissed! And he sits in hell laughting and wanking to Billy Castro porn (google him, he is really hot).
Posted by: iambilly
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June 24, 2010 10:19 AM
Keenacat:
My view would be that Satan would be someone who actually enjoys sex, prefers that his partner(s) enjoy the sex, and has no problem with others enjoying sex. I think the whole straight/gay/lesbian thing would piss the fundies off a whole lot less than anyone actually enjoying sex.
Posted by: sqlrob
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June 24, 2010 10:28 AM
Are you sure you want to shave God's beard?
Posted by: mikerattlesnake
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June 24, 2010 10:30 AM
@16
absolutely nothing. Dude was a straight up teetotaler.
Posted by: keenacat
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June 24, 2010 10:42 AM
iambilly:
You can have it all: Genderqueer satan happily fucking away with a feminist atheist left-wing femme with no desire to bear children.
(Wait... An atheist fucking satan... Uh... Nevermind, I guess.)
Posted by: Sven DiMilo
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June 24, 2010 11:06 AM
pelage
Posted by: Mattir-ritated
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June 24, 2010 11:13 AM
I would love for there to be a bearded lady liberation movement - could we vote on that one next? Testosterone is linked to both libido (good) and unsightly ladybeards (bad). I'm unlikely to grow a good Jehovah style beard, but a minimalist version of the Satan Lesbian style might be doable with enough grooming encouragement. (Oops, was that TMI? Do I still get to be a FakeWife&trade now that the Harem knows that information?)
Posted by: nejishiki
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June 24, 2010 11:15 AM
You should also mention that James Clerk Maxwell, Ludwig Boltzmann, Charles Darwin, Josiah Willard Gibbs, Ernst Mach, Henri Poincaré, Ernst Haeckel and just about every other major scientist of the 19th century had epic beards. Just look at JC Maxwell's! It seems to be alive, reaching out for you and compelling you to do vector calculus.
Posted by: daveau
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June 24, 2010 12:11 PM
Under the same circumstances, I would vote "no beard" for god. Why do you ask? Is he likely to get involved in this charity event?
Rev- Thanks for the FZ love @9.
Posted by: woodsong
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June 24, 2010 12:26 PM
Snort. Thinking of all of the "you'd frighten small children!" posts on the previous thread.
That was me (the frightened small child, that is).
My dad last shaved off his rug when I was about five. I took one look at him coming out of the bathroom, screamed at the top of my lungs, ran into another room and hid in the corner by the piano. I still remember that vividly. So does Dad.
He grew the beard back and hasn't shaved it since. Trimmed, yes, he no longer wears a rug on his face, but not shaved.
I've seen enough formerly-bearded faces that I have no desire to see another.
Posted by: Birger Johansson
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June 24, 2010 1:15 PM
The reason gods usually wear beards is straightforward. The "hairs" are carbon nanotube antennae tuned into different "world lines" of the near future. This is why some gods got a reputation for precognitive abilities (prophecies).
The position under the face was dictated by available space; the scalp was either crowded by hair follicles, or needed as a heat sink for the brain (remember that the brains had to process a greater sensorium than mortals, extending into several different "fourth" dimensions). Every god with precog abilities must have operated near the heat tolerance limit of the neurons -a problem familiar to contemporary computer designers.
Posted by: Birger Johansson
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June 24, 2010 1:22 PM
Among the pharaos, beards were seen as a royal symbol -in some paintings the pharao's children are wearing false beards -even the daughters!
Presumably Satan's family borrowed this custom, which explains the strange film title. Satan's twin sister sometimes wore a false beard in the pharaonic tradition, occasionally causing confusion about which was which. I can imagine embarrassing misunderstandings starting the rumor quoted in the film title.
Posted by: great.american.satan
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June 24, 2010 3:10 PM
Birger, you are madcap. Mad. Cap.
Posted by: jcmartz.myopenid.com
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June 24, 2010 3:56 PM
Zeus got some (killer) beard, too!
Posted by: Ibis3, féministe avec un titre française de fantaisie
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June 24, 2010 4:04 PM
A great novelist went there that already. In Not Wanted on the Voyage, Lucy joins Noah and his family on the ark as the wife of Noah's son, Ham.
Posted by: David Marjanović
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June 24, 2010 4:09 PM
I had never noticed the Lord was a Neandertaler. I mean, look at that forehead. Look. It's incredible.
"I must be Frank."
– Emperor Palpatine
Posted by: Silič O'Nopolitanopoulos, Färschdbischuf Beesknees aus Ulm und Klein Elguth, Elector Pharynguline.
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June 24, 2010 4:13 PM
Sorry. We've already had one Scienceblogger grow a beard. It's only fun once.
Now for the shaving.
Posted by: amphiox
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June 24, 2010 4:15 PM
Then why is Apollo clean-shaven?
Or are you implying he was a fraud, who relied on his Delphaic priestesses to do all the prophesying? (Although they didn't have facial hair, either)
Posted by: --PatF in Madison
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June 24, 2010 5:09 PM
Ummm....
I think this is the real answer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9pu8GOIOvE
Posted by: fprimus
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June 24, 2010 6:45 PM
Well, How about THIS guy?
Jerry
:-P
Posted by: fprimus
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June 24, 2010 6:54 PM
OR This guy:
Eugene Burger
Hi is one of the most incredible magicians that I have ever had the experience of seeing close up.
Posted by: fprimus
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June 24, 2010 6:57 PM
That should be "He", not "Hi", typo, sorry...
Posted by: fprimus
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June 24, 2010 7:00 PM
It appears that the image in my last comment is not clickable, let me try again:
Eugene Burger
Posted by: bigdavesb
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June 24, 2010 7:08 PM
A massive thanks to everyone who's taken part so far, PZ and I are currently in the lead:
#bearddebate @pzmyers & I still in lead: YES to beards 102; NO to beards 64; donation but no comment 5 @barnardos £1,114.33 : D
http://twitter.com/BigDaveSB/status/16965054205
That's over £1.1k for Barnardo's!
I don't believe the Amaz!ng Randi's not been mention. He has a fine beard, one I aspire to for when I hit "old age" (as measured by years, I'm not intending to grow up any time soon).
Posted by: Mattir-ritated
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June 24, 2010 11:12 PM
This is totally ridiculous, and I blame PZ. DaughterSpawn just announced her extreme desire for a "Satan Was a Lesbian" poster, available at amazon.com for $17.95.
You, Dr. Myers, are CORRUPTING AMERICA'S YOUTH with your decadent endorsement of beardedness.
Posted by: https://me.yahoo.com/a/uAKoYLoMjspqfN4y_B0lepkiHn0Q1lGyWrWPjjG34Q--#77d43
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June 25, 2010 12:53 AM
I'll probably get laughed at for this one, but here's "Beard no Beard" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na37dOc_XSQ
Posted by: rgneuman1
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June 25, 2010 1:22 AM
Cyanide & Happiness states the importance and style value of beards better than I ever could: http://www.explosm.net/comics/2087/
Posted by: Timaahy
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June 25, 2010 1:32 AM
I wanna see what PZ really looks like. :-)
And he must have some baby burger stuck in there somewhere...
Posted by: JeffreyD
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June 25, 2010 6:33 AM
Had a beard since the early morning of 05 November 1975. Plan to always keep it. Would love the ZZ Top look, but mine does not grow down. Rather, it grows outward, bushier and bushier. Right now, as I am in need of a trim, I look like I am staring through a privet hedge. I did have a child at the Tower of London ask me if I was the king. Each xmas season, lots of children look at me in awe and some fear as they think I am an incognito Santa checking up on them.
Posted by: OurSally
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June 25, 2010 7:21 AM
For fans of Maxwell and vector calculus: When I was an engineering student a very long time ago, we had a lecturer in design, a very dear and very old man, who remembered attending lectures by Maxwell. To illustrate the vector curl Maxwell had a little dog who would run in circles if he said "curl".
Posted by: Silič O'Nopolitanopoulos, Färschdbischuf Beesknees aus Ulm und Klein Elguth, Elector Pharynguline.
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June 25, 2010 9:07 AM
The reference to Gibbs almost makes me wanna come down on the beard side.
But Lawrence Bragg didn't have one (and his father only had a moustache - likewise von Laue).
Feynman didn't have a beard either.