Pharyngula

Intelligent Gestation Theory

In case you’ve been wondering what was going to come after Intelligent Design, here’s a similar hypothesis I stumbled across, Intelligent Gestation Theory.

Hello fellow Christians and Atheists,

My name is Erik Lumberjack. I’m founder and chief scientist of the
recently formed Intelligent Gestation Institute. Our goal is apply
insights gained from Intelligent Design to combat the current Theory
of Pregnancy, i.e., that humans develop gradually from a sperm and
egg. Our FAQs below provide more details.

Thank you and best regards, Eric Lumberjack

OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD

Thank you for teaching Intelligent Design alongside the Theory of
Evolution. Our children deserve to hear multiple viewpoints.
I’m concerned, though, that only one Theory of Pregnancy is currently
being taught.

Namely, that humans develop in gradual stages from an initial sperm
and egg. First looking like a salmon, and then a lizard, and only
after long and slow development finally resembling a human.

As founder and chief scientist of the Intelligent Gestation
Institute,
I request that equal time be given to Intelligent Gestation, an
alternative approach that is gaining increasing support within the
scientific community.

These are key points regarding Intelligent Gestation for your
reference.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Question: Then why does the mother’s stomach get bigger?
Answer: Scientific studies have shown that it’s impossible for human
breasts alone to hold the amount of milk required to nurture infants.
That’s why the body gradually prepares by storing milk in the
mothers’
stomach. Scientific evidence of this can be seen by observing cows.

Question: But sonograms show pictures of developing infants, don’t
they?
Answer: Experiments have shown that ultrasound equipment creates
sound
waves that cause milk to curdle. So medical staff are creating these
images, and then the very same staff are interpreting the images that
they themselves created. This can hardly be called scientific.

Question: Then where do babies come from?
Answer: Let’s not base conclusions on anecdotes, but look at the case
for which we have the most recorded evidence. When the key figure of
human history was born, textual research has shown that he was
begotten as son when a dove descended from the heavens. More than
2,000 original texts agree on this point, many of them dating back to
several years from the original event, when eye witnesses were still
living. In addition to this, the past 2,000 years of historical
observation have also taught us where babies come from. The stork —
which the genome project has just recently proven to be of the same
ovarian family, genus and phyla as the dove. The probability of this
coincidence occurring by chance alone has been calculated at less
than
1 over a number so large that it is greater than the number of
subatomic particles in the entire state of Arkansas.

Question: Is Intelligent Gestation faith based?
Answer: No. Unlike the Theory of Pregnancy, it is based on observable
and testable scientific fact.

Please contact us if you would like more details, or free samples of
the textbooks that we are preparing for your school use.

Thank you, and best regards,

Erik Lumberjack

Founder and Chief Scientist
Intelligent Gestation Institute

Web site: https://sites.google.com/site/intelligentgestationinstitute/
Alternate site: http://www.intelligent-gestation.com
Contact info: erik.lumberj…@gmail.com

FAQ FOR SCIENTISTS

Question: But why does the mother’s stomach get smaller immediately
after childbirth?
Answer: When the infant arrives, the milk transfers from the mother’s
stomach to the mother’s breasts in preparation for breast feeding.
How
else could a mother feed her child? We challenge scientists to
provide
us with one example where a mother has breast fed her child from her
stomach.

Question: But I’ve seen photos of children being born directly from
their mothers.
Answer: Photos can be retouched. But more importantly, why are you
looking down there?

Question: Delivery rooms are sealed off. How could a stork or dove
get
in?
Answer: Ships are made of reinforced steel, but mice have entered
them
for centuries. We challenge scientists to produce one example of a
ship without a mouse.

Question: I’ve been in delivery rooms and never seen a stork or dove.
Answer: Absence of evidence of stork is not evidence of absence of
stork. We don’t notice mice either, but one day we open our
refrigerator door and notice the cheese is missing. The result speaks
for itself.

Question: But I’ve seen an egg cell divide in science class after
being joined by a sperm.
Answer: Imagine that you’re an egg and a sperm collides with you at
the equivalent of 2,000 kilometers per hour. You would divide as
well.

Question: Does this mean that you’re not opposed to stem cell
research?
Answer: We are not opposed, but our scientists don’t expect viable
medical applications. Any experiments done on stem cells would surely
only be applicable to similar plants with similar stems.

Question: Why is the Intelligent Gestation Institute speaking out at
this time?
Answer: If our children are taught in school that humans develop in
their mothers’ wombs from something that looks like a catfish, and
then a gecko, and then a reces monkey, and finally a human, it’s not
a
small step for them to believe later on that man evolved from ape.
This reduces humans to something purely physical and degrades our
worth as spiritual beings. If our children believe they descended
from
heaven, they will try to act heavenly. But how will our children act
if they are taught they come from come? How will they be encouraged
to
act morally? To be honest, our scientists are disappointed that the
Intelligent Design community has thrown in the towel so readily on
this very important issue.

Question: Would you be willing to debate Richard Dawkins on this
issue?
Answer: It would look good on his resume, but we’re not so sure about
ours. We would consider such an opportunity, but must take care not
to
elevate his theories to appear to have the achieved the status of
true
science.

Question: What are the academic qualifications of the scientists at
your institute? We’ve been told that your chief research scientist
has
a B.Sc. degree from the Livestock University of Kentucky with a major
in roast beef and a minor in mashed potatoes.
Answer: That is completely unfounded and we’re disappointed that the
secular press has stooped to using add homily arguments to try to
discredit us.

Question: In summary, is there any decisive evidence that you can
give
us?
Answer: It basically comes down to this. Which is more likely, that
we
developed in our mothers’ wombs through an unimaginably large number
of intermediate stages and then due to purely physical forces and
blind chance ended up as human beings that are fine tuned to an order
of magnitude of 10 to the 1,000th power, or that we’re a bundle from
heaven? Occam’s razor makes the answer more than obvious. Let me give
an example. Let’s say you’re walking on a beach and find a baby
wrapped in a blanket on the sand. Which is more likely, that an
intelligent being left the baby there, or that someone came on the
beach? People that make extraordinary claims must provide
extraordinary evidence to support those claims. The burden of proof
lies with them, not us. Our Institute is prepared to offer $100,000
to
anyone who will pop a nut on national TV and form something as
intricate as the human eye from sperm. And anyways, if humans
developed in their mothers’ wombs from something that looked like a
catfish, how come you don’t see catfish walking among us today and
giving interviews on TV?