Pharyngula

Posted by: gadow | August 3, 2010 11:46 AM

As one of the Bearded Fellows, I have to agree with you. During the summer months (as is the case now) I sport what they describe as a circle beard, made famous by Evil Science Fiction Characters.

Got me in one.

Posted by: SteveM | August 3, 2010 11:51 AM

I always liked Shakepeare's insult of one of his characters by calling him "lackbeard". Which in context just referred to his youth and implied foolishness.

Posted by: Janine, The Little Top Of Venom, OM | August 3, 2010 11:53 AM

What about the women?

Posted by: dahduh | August 3, 2010 11:54 AM

Feed and water regularly.

Posted by: Katharine | August 3, 2010 11:57 AM

I can't be the only woman who doesn't like male facial hair.

Posted by: faisons | August 3, 2010 12:00 PM

I figured it was just a side-effect of certain androgen levels.

Posted by: Rachel Bronwyn | August 3, 2010 12:01 PM

My boyfriend's more or less a hairless man-boy (he's got a few hairs growing sparingly on various parts of his body but there's absolutely no density to any of it) yet he wears a full beard like a champ.

I guess that's why I'm into him - he's certainly virile and old and he hooked a pretty groovy gal fifteen years younger than himself, which demonstrates a great deal of wisdom if you ask me.

Posted by: Ewan R | August 3, 2010 12:08 PM

My beard is less a show of honor virility and wisdom and more a show of laziness, unkemptitude and attempting to hide acne at 31.

Although I may stick with the honor and virility thing. If only to give my wife a good laugh.

Posted by: Ewan R | August 3, 2010 12:10 PM

Although that said it is but a temporary thing, perhaps some sort of permanence is required before true bearded awesomeness can shine through (I generally shave once every month and a bit, more often if I have a presentation to make, or have to socialize with the wife's friends - keeping up appearances and all that, all my friends know I'm a hopeless slob - apparently her friends aren't allowed to)

Posted by: Emmet, OM | August 3, 2010 12:18 PM

I've got honor, virility, and wisdom on my side.

… at least according to a moron who thinks there's such a word as “cowardness”.

According to his nomenclature, mine's a “Van Dyke” sans “soul patch”.

Posted by: Glen Davidson | August 3, 2010 12:21 PM

Why any of us male Darwin worshippers shave our faces is a wonder.

Am I going to lose my atheism privileges?

Glen Davidson

Posted by: Penny | August 3, 2010 12:23 PM

@Katherine and irenedelse and Athena: I agree!

Posted by: https://www.google.com/accounts/o8/id?id=AItOawnZyFfKb0qWYyoGaY7BIk8-6EJnV6twwSM | August 3, 2010 12:27 PM

As a point of historical pedantry, I should point out that the Spartan in the top picture shouldn't have a moustache, since the Spartans generally shaved off their moustaches to mark themselves out as different from the majority of Greek hoplite soldiers.

I personally despise beards, both on myself and on potential boyfriends, and hate the fact my face wants to grow one at all. I've tried cheap laser hair removal, but that didn't seem to work at all, and I can't afford full electrolysis on my meagre postgrad funding. I also have very sensitive skin, so I can't shave more than about once every three days. These days I just don't look in the mirror anymore.

Posted by: KG | August 3, 2010 12:28 PM

Why do some men scrape their faces with a sharp piece of metal on a regular basis?

Posted by: Moggie | August 3, 2010 12:32 PM

#29:

Why do some men scrape their faces with a sharp piece of metal on a regular basis?

Because I don't want to be mistaken for Chuck Norris.

Incidentally, doesn't at least one of ZZ Top have a fake beard? Is there anything more contemptible?

Posted by: Steve LaBonne | August 3, 2010 12:34 PM

I wear a circle beard, because I am actually evil me from the mirror universe.

Posted by: Ewan R | August 3, 2010 12:35 PM

Why do some men scrape their faces with a sharp piece of metal on a regular basis?

Admission of lack of virility, wisdom, or honor I guess.

That and not wanting to sleep on the couch.

Posted by: svrsharsha | August 3, 2010 12:40 PM

Honor, virility, wisdom and a phallic symbol.

Posted by: blackroguedreams | August 3, 2010 12:44 PM

It's things like this that make me happy to be one of the Great Bearded Ones.

Posted by: Rachel Bronwyn | August 3, 2010 12:55 PM

The one bit of hair removal my boyfriend does submit to is plucking of the whites. I don't care about the white hairs on his head. He has very few and they're pleasant. The ones in his beard anger me though. They're much thicker and firmer than the rest of his beard hairs and they never grow with the grain. They often seem determined to crawl up my nose when we smooch. This is why he submits to ten minute plucking sessions every couple weeks.

I fear the day the majority of his facial hair is made up of those awful spiney things. Uhg.

Posted by: csreid | August 3, 2010 1:02 PM

@PZ

I'm pretty sure Kimbo Slice was a youtube fad for a bit, where he beat the snot out of various opponents. Now he's a UFC fighter.

Where you have the academic and logical prowess granted by the Full Beard™, Kimbo acquired the physical strength and intimidating size.

Posted by: Pieter B | August 3, 2010 1:08 PM

The beard styles depicted leave out a few, notably the Bork, once affected by the jurist who was rejected for the Supreme Court. The face is clean-shaven down to the jawline, and the beard grows on the neck. Don't ask why. It's rare, but I've seen a handful of them.

I once saw one that was a good six inches long and wavy. 'Twas the only hair the owner sported above his shirt collar.

Posted by: Shala | August 3, 2010 1:11 PM

Who the heck is Kimbo Slice?

a complete joke

also lol chuck norris

Good list other than that though!

Posted by: Weed Monkey | August 3, 2010 1:19 PM

Why do some men scrape their faces with a sharp piece of metal on a regular basis?

Posted by: glowball | August 3, 2010 1:20 PM

My husband sports a "parallel universe Spock". Very sinister. Looks great! Like the term, too. Gonna use it.

Posted by: Katherine Lorraine, Chaton de la Mort | August 3, 2010 1:23 PM

Sorry... I had one for a while, but I had to get rid of it.

Oddly patchy, very thin beards make me look like I'm a teenager trying to grow a beard. Besides - I like a clean-shaven face more than one with a beard - sorry PZ, you're just not my type :(

Posted by: A. Nuran | August 3, 2010 1:28 PM

It certainly makes sense. Without the shredded wheat to tell them apart grown men might make ooh-ooh with each other instead of just with "beardless youths" like the Spartans.

And you really don't want to go to the "Kimbo Slice Zone". He was a two-minute thuggish wonder who got massacred by clean-shaven professionals.

Posted by: smartbrainus | August 3, 2010 1:30 PM

As the Oatmeal eloquently put it: Beards are like a machine gun for your face.

http://www.biggerbetterbeards.org/

Posted by: Jules, Bride of Death | August 3, 2010 1:34 PM

My bf refuses to grow a beard. He's a total punk rock slob who only showers sporadically, but he shaves almost daily. I suppose it isn't a deal-breaker (I like seeing the dimples), but I always get excited when he lets it go three days and some decent stubble builds up.

I guess I'll just keep using PZ's picture to get my beard-fix.

Posted by: molto legato e sostenuto | August 3, 2010 1:36 PM

@KG #29

Why do some men scrape their faces with a sharp piece of metal on a regular basis?

You are not the first to puzzle over this and related odd cultural phenomena.

Posted by: Mr.Nerdz | August 3, 2010 1:46 PM

You're all too hung up over the Chuck Norris thing. There are two Chuck Norrises. One is made out of sheer awesome, the other is made out of the most epic failure. They transplanted their own into the other, to make two entities, opposing each other. The bearded one we're talking about is the one made out of sheer awesome.

Posted by: Katharine | August 3, 2010 2:00 PM

All of us women know that clean-shaven face = no itchy scratchy, especially on the nether regions .

And this thread is turning into a major sausagefest.

Posted by: Rachel Bronwyn | August 3, 2010 2:16 PM

Many people would.

I have no idea why so many people whinge about facial hair and oral sex. It's never bothered me in the least and I've experienced shaven faces and full beards. What's horrible is stubble. I won't even kiss someone if they're stubbly. Give it a couple more days.

I think I'm officially done with the feminist threads. "YOU JUST WANT MEN TO FEEL GUILTY!" Yes, I want every man to feel guilty and ashamed and responsible for inequality. That is exactly what I want. I couldn't have said it better. Thank heavens there are men to articulate these things so intelligently for me.

Posted by: gadow | August 3, 2010 2:18 PM

@64 - Every chance I get.

Some years ago, I was with my then-BF with a lesbian couple. They inquired about the bear phenomen and the sexualization of facial hair. My response was to take her hand, place it under the BF's long beard, and wiggle her fingers through it. "Now," I said. "Imagine this running up and down your inner thigh...."

Her eyes got wide, she turned to her GF and said, "I bet we could find strap-on beards on the internet!" From there, the conversation switched to the stoning scene from "The Life of Brian."

Posted by: Dania | August 3, 2010 2:24 PM

All of us women know that clean-shaven face = no itchy scratchy, especially on the nether regions .

Not all are itchy scratchy. I much prefer a bearded man than a lazy man who shaves, say, every three days or so. Now that is itchy scratchy!

Posted by: Rachel Bronwyn | August 3, 2010 2:29 PM

In my experience, (due to my tastes I consume a lot more gay porn than most straight women) "bears" are usually unshaven and appear rugged and unkempt. I don't believe full beards are a prerequisite though. Hairy chests, stomachs, legs and goodies seem to be more important.

Posted by: Aquaria | August 3, 2010 2:31 PM

Whether or not a beard is right for a man, depends on the man.

They're necessary for those who have coarse beard hair and delicate skin, like Mr. Aquaria. Believe me, the furry face is far preferable to the bloody one.

This guy looks a hell of a lot better with a beard than without.

And then there are those who look better without facial hair (same person).

Posted by: Mattir-ritated | August 3, 2010 2:39 PM

I'm sorry, but if I had to go to the male privilege thread, my head would explode and I would lose the years of working on my ladybeard. Seriously, you've attracted a bunch of total morons to your blog. They're not even fun morons, they're just morons.

Tangential hair-removal comment: DaughterSpawn has really hairy legs and announced at the beginning of the summer that she wasn't going to shave them and would tell anyone who commented at camp that they were her "dating a moron" exclusion device - thanks for confirming your identity.

Posted by: Katherine Lorraine, Chaton de la Mort | August 3, 2010 2:44 PM

@Mattir:

And tangentially - I have less than hairy legs and see fit to have them smooth because I hate them XD

Good for her, though! Whether or not one is smooth or hairy should be up to them.

Posted by: CarlosT | August 3, 2010 2:54 PM

As for the Romans referenced in various comments, it's important to remember that there is no "the Romans". Their culture spanned over 2,000 years and all the lands encircling the Mediterranean at its greatest extent. So there's no one reference point for any aspect of Roman life including its government and laws, literature, language, and arts. And it's fashion.

For the part of Roman history that people are familiar with, the Late Republican period transitioning to the Empire, clean-shaven was the preference, at least among the people who had images created of them. If this was a response against excessive Hellenism, that's that in the least surprising, because while the Romans of that era were expected to know the works of the Greeks in Greek and to speak Greek fluently, they also saw them as a degenerate and effeminate culture, who shouldn't be allowed to have too much influence on social mores. To be overly identified with the Greeks could imply homosexuality and Late Republican Romans were rampantly homophobic. I know it wasn't a universal fashion because one prominent family had the cognonem Ahenobarbus, which means red-beard, and that at least one of that family, the Emperor Nero (born Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus, remaned Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus on adoption), was depicted as having a beard. I think it's reasonable to think other members of the family grew beards to fit with their cognomen.

As for Hadrian, that was around 150 after the most famous Romans (more in the case of Caesar, a little less in the case of Augustus), and that's a long time for fashions to change.

By the way, the hot rocks thing is almost certainly false because a) that would leave permanent scarring, and we don't see any of that in the images they created, and b) they had a word for barber.

Posted by: Lynna, OM | August 3, 2010 3:00 PM

When my brother and I were in Salt Lake City to take some photos of the downtown area, two mormon security men approached to question us. As they walked up, I heard one say into his communication device, "Yeah, I've got a guy with a beard here. He's taking photos."

If you want to go unnoticed by mormon security, you need to be clean shaven. (And you need to refrain from kissing your significant other if your significant other is of the same sex).

Mormons and Facial Hair -- Link leads to a discussion of the clean shaven dictum, with postulation that beards are associated with polygamy.

I already posted this on the endless thread, but it fits here:

Brigham Young University frowns on beards, but does provide a process for appeal. Jesus Christ might want to make sure his paperwork and "beard exception" approval is complete before he comes back to reign for a thousand years.

A student who wishes to obtain a beard exception must visit a BYU Student Health Center doctor by appointment (422.5156). The doctor will fax his recommendation. The student then needs to come to the Honor Code Office to fill out some paperwork and receive the letter allowing the growth of the beard, if approved. If a yearly beard exception is granted, a new Student ID will be issued after the beard has been fully grown, and must be renewed every year by repeating the process.
If a request is granted for a temporary or more permanent beard exception the student will be notified by the Honor Code Office; at which time the student will come into the office to complete the necessary paperwork. After completion of this process the student may then grow a full beard according the guidelines given.

Posted by: CJO | August 3, 2010 3:24 PM

If this was a response against excessive Hellenism, that's not in the least surprising, because while the Romans of that era were expected to know the works of the Greeks in Greek and to speak Greek fluently, they also saw them as a degenerate and effeminate culture, who shouldn't be allowed to have too much influence on social mores.

That's what I find strange, though. What they considered effeminate and debased was the contemporary Greek culture, that is the Macedonian export of Alexander and the later dynasts of the Ptolemaic and Selucid Eastern kingdoms. But, as far as depictions go, Alexander and most of the Ptolemies went clean-shaven, while Classical Greeks wore beards, and that culture, from the Mycaeaneans (exemplified at the time by Homer's Greek heroes) to the Spartans to the Attic philosophers and the age of Athenian democracy, was considered a Golden Age by many if not most late Republican Romans.

Ah, well. Fashion is a fickle beast, and it may have been, as Glen suggested above, a militarism thing, and the society was dominated by the military and martial values.

Posted by: Aquaria | August 3, 2010 3:56 PM

Kevin:

He's hottest in the Nana movies.

i think it's the long hair.

Posted by: SteveM | August 3, 2010 4:12 PM

re 90

Zappa's is not really a Van Dyke either. Mustache + soul patch is not named. I shall thus take the opportunity to name it "The Zappa".

Posted by: Moira Manion | August 3, 2010 4:19 PM

OK, I can't be the only female here who's starting to grow a soul patch of her own (and would rather not be, but oh well, getting older beats being dead). So, does that make us cowards because we don't have full beards, or worthy of more respect because we have some facial hair?

Being a girl of the 1960s, I always prefered facial hair. Until Jason Isaacs' shaving scene in the (godawful) film The Patriot converted me.
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l0l4iqgiXP1qbzh74o1_500.jpg

But Isaacs' hideous porn 'stache in The Green Zone is an arguement for shaving if ever there was one. http://www.aceshowbiz.com/images/still/green_zone08.jpg

Maybe it all depends on who's wearing the hair.

Posted by: daveau | August 3, 2010 4:27 PM

gussnarp@86-

Beards became associated with radicals, anarchists, and especially communists. I guess because of Lenin.

I guess because you would be hard pressed to find a single prominent Bolshevik without a beard. Of course, Nicholas II had one, too.

Lots of other evil people with beards or other facial hair: Stalin, Hitler, Jesus, Charles Manson, Snidely Whiplash...

Posted by: Birger Johansson | August 3, 2010 4:35 PM

Actually, the whole business of beards, moustaches(size of) and sideburns was a complex issue.
I think that during the Victorian age, everything natural became viewed with suspicion. Also, shaving was originally costly, so it would have started in the well-to-do classes and made shaving a mark of status. By WWI beards were out for private soldiers, while royalty and other patriarchs could get away with it.

Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage | August 3, 2010 4:47 PM

fattirefinally #34

Sir: Wait until it turns white. White, I tell you! Then we shall see how strong your affinty for a beard really is.

My beard is mostly white. My wife thinks it looks better than when it was black and I agree with her.

Posted by: Aquaria | August 3, 2010 4:57 PM

I don't get the bearded lady stuff. As I get older, my body hair is disappearing, and any facial fuzz is doing the same.

I think it's all going to the top of my head. That's getting thicker. And wavier/curlier. I couldn't buy a wave in the 70s without melting half my hair (perms are evil), and now I have Lillian Gish hair if I don't comb it out enough before it dries (I do not use heating devices of any kind on my hair).

Posted by: Walton, Marquis of Carabas | August 3, 2010 5:16 PM

I used to have a fairly good moustache. I'm clean-shaven at the moment though. I've tried to grow a full beard in the past, but it doesn't seem to work for me (I can get decent sideburns and a fair amount of hair on the chin, but I can't grow thick enough hair around the sides of the face).

KG: I am pleased to say that I've never scraped a piece of metal across my face. I've only ever used an electric razor. If cut-throat razors were the only option, I wouldn't take the risk of shaving (being somewhat mal-coordinated by nature). :-D

Posted by: Walton, Marquis of Carabas | August 3, 2010 5:20 PM

Oh, and KG: as I mentioned on the endless thread (not sure whether you saw it), I am finally reading The Spirit Level by Wilkinson and Pickett. Though I'm still sceptical. :-)

Posted by: drumprof | August 3, 2010 6:26 PM

Wow...a lot of good comments and a lot of fun ones too...Don't know if anyone has mentioned it....but I am brought to mind of the Beard Growing Contest Skit in the fighter's ring from Monty Python....one of my favourites...

Posted by: CarlosT | August 3, 2010 6:31 PM

#87 - I don't really think the fashion towards clean shavenness was a response against Hellenism, just that if it were, that would be characteristic of the attitudes of the Romans of that time.

I think it's just fashion. I don't even put much stock in the idea that it's an effect of a highly militarized culture or anything like that. I think it's just something that was generally popular among Roman men of the upper classes (i.e. those who got depicted in sculpture, frescoes, and mosaics). If I had to search for a cause to explain the popularity of that fashion, I think it could be a marker of that class, in the same way always appearing in public in a toga was. It showed that you have the resources to create multiple togas (which were huge and precisely tailored) so that you'd always have a fresh one to wear, despite all the washing and maintenance required. In the same way, being clean shaven every single day in those times likely meant that owned had a barber, which was a luxury that only the upper classes would be able to afford.

Posted by: chemicalscum | August 3, 2010 6:57 PM

Contrary to popular belief Darwin spent most of his life clean shaven. Well with sideburns anyway.

The young Darwin on the Beagle was clean shaven, as was the middle aged author of "The Origin of the Species".

Darwin only grew a full beard when he was ill in old age and found it too painful to shave because of his sensitive skin. The iconic photographs of the full bearded Darwin are of a sick and ailing old man. Any portrait or photograph of Darwin in his prime shows a clean shaven man with receding hair (even as a young man just pushing thirty after the Beagle circumnavigation) and sideburns.

That is the true iconic Darwin.

Posted by: Rey Fox, Bird Caller Guy | August 3, 2010 7:05 PM

Oh yeah, I also have a soul patch. It consists of about eight individual hairs. It too gets shorn.

Posted by: Pacal | August 3, 2010 8:45 PM

I have a goatee and moustache. I unfortunately cannot grow a full beard. The hair on the rest of my face is pretty patchy and if I grow it out it looks dreadful. So I still have to shave even though I really hate shaving.

I also don't like the people who "suggest" that I shave my beard. Virtually everyone I know who has facial hair as run across complete strangers who have "suggested" they shave it off. Our society still as a mild beard phobia sadly. Well my beard, such as it is, is staying on until I'm dead, as far as I'm concerned.

Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage | August 3, 2010 8:52 PM

Virtually everyone I know who has facial hair as run across complete strangers who have "suggested" they shave it off.

Just this past weekend I was told by someone "I don't like men with beards." She was rather miffed when I responded "pardon me, madam, but you must have mistaken me for someone who cares whether you like beards or not."

Posted by: Robbie | August 3, 2010 9:00 PM

Hsir we go again...

Posted by: scidog | August 3, 2010 11:48 PM

i have a full white beard,i'm 64ish,and with my full fluffy eyebrows my Daughter told me i should work on looking the Archbishop of Canterbury.
also..at the local grocery store there is a young guy with a huge red beard.a few years ago i went in and saw it was cut back to almost nothing and joked about that being a summer cut.he said his boss made him cut it.fast forward and the store changed hands is is now owned by some really clever fellows who worked there many years ago.they brought it back back from the brink of being really no class. .the red beard is back and the "mean"boss is gone.i see that as a revenge for every beard that had to be cut to hold a job!!.

Posted by: John Morales | August 4, 2010 4:21 AM

KG:

Why do some men scrape their faces with a sharp piece of metal on a regular basis?

This man does so because his wife will then permit osculatory delights.

Powerful incentive for depilation, that.

Posted by: KG | August 4, 2010 5:33 AM

Well my beard, such as it is, is staying on until I'm dead, as far as I'm concerned.

Right on brother! They can have my beard when they pluck it from my cold, dead cheeks! :-p

In the UK we have the Beard Liberation Front to combat antibeardism.

Posted by: Steven Dunlap | August 4, 2010 9:34 AM

Here's your morning historical trivia:

In the old sword-fighting days a common practice was to grab the beard of the guy you were trying to kill, then yank it hard to throw him off balance while keeping him close enough to stick with your sword. (Imagine how silly they all must have looked, whole opposing armies yanking each other's beards). Alexander the Great ordered all his soldiers to fight clean-shaven (included himself). This (and other not so relevant tactical stuff) made his army much more effective. Thus, sadly, beards can be an actual weakness. Oh well.

Posted by: BigKnuckleDraggingJarhead | August 7, 2010 12:26 PM

PZ, you should be ashamed of yourself. This is sacrilege. Sacrilege, I tell you! ZZ Top's beards are fakes, and the reason they wear false beards is because of fascist, new-atheist, bullying, darwinistic, beard wearers like you. As a clean-shaved Texan, I implore ZZ Top to come out of the clean-shaved closet, and fight this tyranny!