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PZ Myers is a biologist and associate professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris.
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In candid moments, leading creationists will admit that the miraculous character of origin and destruction precludes a scientific understanding. Morris writes (and Judge Overton quotes): 'God was there when it happened. We were not there . . . . Therefore, we are completely limited to what God has seen fit to tell us, and this information is in His written Word.'
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Category: Humor
Posted on: September 4, 2010 8:49 AM, by PZ Myers
Of course! This would work! What do you need to prevent pregnancy? Why, an extract made from babies, of course — 100% pure organic Brazilian rainforest babies.
Unfortunately, it won't work for atheists, because you have to consume the babies homeopathically.
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Comments
Posted by: vanharris
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September 4, 2010 9:05 AM
Surely, extract of baby isn't made, it occurs naturally, from both ends.
Posted by: Marella
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September 4, 2010 9:18 AM
So if baby extract is a contraceptive, what do you take to enhance fertility? Extract of a care-free life?
Posted by: Caine, ghetto féministe
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September 4, 2010 9:19 AM
::Snortle:: Excellent. I will continue to get my dose of baby through roasting, though. I'm sure it's just as effective.
Posted by: Coleslaw
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September 4, 2010 9:19 AM
For a moment I thought the article was serious.
Posted by: JeffreyD
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September 4, 2010 9:31 AM
I was going to point out that anal sex was an effective, 100% birth control method, but then thought of the existence of Limbaugh and Beck and Boenher and realized that that theory was demonstrably false.
Posted by: pcarini
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September 4, 2010 9:33 AM
Our ironclad guarantee? We 100% guarantee that you will not have a Brazilian rainforest baby*.
...
*(offer not good in the Brazilian rainforest)
Posted by: Zeno
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September 4, 2010 9:37 AM
Purity is ensured by washing the babies in spring water before processing them in the Kendall baby masher. That's much the same way that Crunchy Frog is prepared: "cleansed in finest-quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope." But I didn't see that chocolate is involved in Kendall's homeopathic contraceptives. (They could be missing a bet here!)
I recall that certain gullible family members were suckered into buying a Brazilian nostrum whose purchase was supposed to benefit Brazilian orphans. Do you think that maybe that scheme finally fell through and they had to find a new use for the orphans?
Posted by: Draken
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September 4, 2010 9:39 AM
I'm all for it, but only if it's made from excess babies, not from babies specially bred for the purpose.
Posted by: Pierce R. Butler
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September 4, 2010 10:02 AM
The agent for which immunity is desired in this case is not babies, but spermatozoa.
Since oral ingestion demonstrably fails to provide immunization, obviously the problem is that the solution has not been sufficiently diluted.
This line of research may end up validating a supposedly disproved item of urban folklore: ladies, if you don't want to get pregnant, don't swallow!
(But don't skimp on the succussion, either!)
Posted by: burpy
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September 4, 2010 10:03 AM
I see a flaw in this. As far as I know, babies are a symptom of pregnancy and not a cause. Therefore we are not treating like with like. A better method would be to use a 30C extract of too many mojitos.
Posted by: mnjones
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September 4, 2010 10:27 AM
@#7 but chocolate is already homoeopathic - it was grown using demonstrably homoeopathic water, and therefore contains the memory of all the chemicals that water ever knew...including everything even mildly contraceptive.
Posted by: JohnM55
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September 4, 2010 10:35 AM
My father always told my sisters that a homoeopathic sugar pill was a very effective contraceptive.
Provided it was held firmly between the knees whilst having sex.
Posted by: Rorschach
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September 4, 2010 10:45 AM
Now that's funny.
Posted by: Don Quijote
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September 4, 2010 11:05 AM
My father´s advice to my sisters was to put a pebble in one shoe, thus making them walk with a limp.
Posted by: Rey Fox, Bird Caller Guy
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September 4, 2010 11:10 AM
"I'm all for it, but only if it's made from excess babies, not from babies specially bred for the purpose."
Don't worry, these babies are treated very humanely. Better them than babies cruelly taken from the wild, where their numbers are diminishing every year.
Posted by: kagenokami
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September 4, 2010 11:57 AM
It can also help you get pregnant.
Posted by: Rutee, Shrieking Harpy of Dooooom
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September 4, 2010 12:13 PM
wait, what? I thought Like bred Like?
Posted by: [LeGioN]
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September 4, 2010 12:48 PM
At first I laughed at the thought of homeopathic contraception, then I made the mistake of Googling for it...
Posted by: alysonmiers
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September 4, 2010 1:04 PM
MATH FAIL.
Is this shit serious?
Posted by: masturbating monkey
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September 4, 2010 1:06 PM
What's so funny, that toad told me she was on Homeopathic Contraception and hasn't gotten pregnant yet.
Posted by: Gregory Greenwood
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September 4, 2010 1:10 PM
I will here provide the type of legal disclaimer that all actual homeopathic remedies should be required by law to display, using the humerous example of 'Dr Kendall's Homeopathic Contraception' as a template...
"Please note, the term 'contraceptive' in this context should not be taken to imply that Dr Kendall's Homeopathic Contraception has any actual contraceptive properties. Dr Kendal is not liable for loss (of credibility), injury (to one's standing with one's peers) or any instances of being publically ridiculed and laughed at arising from the use of Dr Kendall's Homeopathic Contraception.
Side effects of the use of Dr Kendall's Homeopathic Contraception may include (but are not limited to):-
1) Pregnancy (if taken as the sole means of contraception after intercourse)
2) Loss of self respect
All rights reserved."
Posted by: Zeno
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September 4, 2010 1:26 PM
And making absolutely no bones about it.
Posted by: rachel.wilmoth
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September 4, 2010 1:37 PM
@19: "Is this shit serious?"
Fortunately, this particular example is not. However, I see #18 has found that there are many other examples where it is completely serious. Yet another blow to my faith in humanity.
Posted by: Dhorvath, OM
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September 4, 2010 2:02 PM
@JohnM55
That won't work, sex is decidedly possible with knees together.
Posted by: cuco3
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September 4, 2010 2:44 PM
I think I'd have to agree with burpy at #10: babies are a symptom not a cause. That's not to say that a homeopathic preparation of babies wouldn't be without value. It might well be effectie against sleeplesness, poverty, stress and depression, all things which babies definitely cause.
Posted by: Franklin Percival
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September 4, 2010 3:50 PM
Dhorvath #24
Don't be so damned picky. If somebady wants a laugh, to pump Walton's pretty butt or even tell lame old jokes about putting a stone in your shoe to make you limp, why shouldn't they?
Posted by: NotStradamus
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September 4, 2010 5:10 PM
JeffreyD #5
Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck being the result of anal sex. That's hilarious, I have to use that some time.
Posted by: Dhorvath, OM
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September 4, 2010 5:23 PM
@Franklin Percival,
Well I could comment about pots and kettles, but I can see how my leer wasn't apparent in my previous post. Sorry it didn't make you smile.
Posted by: Bodach
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September 4, 2010 6:17 PM
These nostrums need to be made only from free range babies. My conscious won't allow me to take advantage of "companion babies" or babies raised in closed environments, i.e. "indoors".
Posted by: lexicalninja
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September 4, 2010 6:20 PM
Rain Forest Babies!!! That's where I went wrong! I knew it was something silly like the kind of babies I was mashing.
Posted by: ggwizz
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September 4, 2010 7:30 PM
Homeopathic baby extract? Worst case of shaken baby syndrome I've ever heard of.
Posted by: Dhorvath, OM
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September 4, 2010 7:33 PM
It's the dilutions that really make it rough.
Posted by: 'Tis Himself, Quel Dommage
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September 4, 2010 7:43 PM
So we should only use free range, organic babies.
Posted by: stubotics
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September 4, 2010 11:26 PM
Another MATH FAIL is:
The extract is called non gravida 30C. In homeopathy 30C translates to a dilution of 10^−60, or according to wikipedia, the "patient would need to consume 10^41 pills (a billion times the mass of the Earth), or 10^34 gallons of liquid remedy (10 billion times the volume of the Earth) to consume a single molecule of the original substance."
Reference given is:
Shelton, Jay (2004), Homeopathy: How It Really Works, Buffalo, N.Y: Prometheus Books, ISBN 1-59102-109-X
Posted by: thoird thought
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September 5, 2010 1:16 AM
i wonder if the patentened baby masher also produces baby oil. i've always wanted to find organic baby oil.
Posted by: Red John
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September 5, 2010 2:26 AM
"I was going to point out that anal sex was an effective, 100% birth control method, but then thought of the existence of Limbaugh and Beck and Boenher and realized that that theory was demonstrably false."
Give this guy a Molly.
Posted by: SQB (fuck death)
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September 5, 2010 8:38 AM
What? No xkcd reference yet?
Posted by: https://me.yahoo.com/a/K2PNji0at.txAjzTShOlxwLuFcVVFwbnng--#bd813
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September 5, 2010 8:24 PM
I should think that a single foreskin would provide Heomeopathic doses for a multitude.
Posted by: Andreas Johansson
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September 6, 2010 4:17 AM
Re xkcd, 30x? That's not even 1C.
The lesson being that competent homeopathy is more strongly selected against than incompetent, explaining why every homeopath one encounters seems to be an egregious idiot who can't keep their own woo straight.