The Quantum Pontiff

Sometimes you find one that is just so over the top that it brings a smile to your face. It starts out okay,

The doughnut shaped universe spinning about a central axis of quantum singularity
India Daily Technology Team
May 26, 2008

An unexpected patterns in the cosmic microwave background (CMB) – the relic radiation left behind by the Big Bang points to the fact that the universe is donut shaped and finite. The cosmologists are stunned by the fact that cosmologists were surprised to find that longer wavelengths were missing from measurements of the CMB made by NASA’s Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe.

Okay, so the fact that cosmologists are stunned by the fact that cosmologists are stunned is a bit odd, but looking for nontrivial topologies of the universe in the CMB isn’t crazy. But then, oh boy….

The scientists are now convinced that the universe is finite, doughnut shaped spinning about a central axis of quantum singularity. The quantum singularity keeps the universe stable.

Quick, to the bat mobile so we can go find that quantum singularity. I want to make the universe unstable!

Comments

  1. #1 tguy
    May 31, 2008

    India Daily has the weirdest pseudoscience of any publication I’ve seen, weirder even than Pravda. I think together they cornered the market on weird and drove the Weekly World News out of business.

  2. #2 a
    May 31, 2008

    It would be nice if they showed us some data to backup this hypothesis.

  3. #3 Oldfart
    May 31, 2008

    If they could zoom in on that singularity, they would find that it is a turtle on whose back the universe is riding…….

  4. #4 JohnQPublic
    May 31, 2008

    And I guess outside of the doughnut universe is a giant Homer Simpson taking a bit out of us.

  5. #5 yogi-one
    May 31, 2008

    Dang! My heart is broken!

    A saddle-shaped universe is so much cooler. Donuts are boring.
    I want a saddle universe that smells like a day at the rodeo! A wild west universe full of excitement and mystery.

    Instead we get a donut?

    Can I move to a different universe?

  6. #6 Grigori
    May 31, 2008

    Wouldn’t it be cool if the Poincaré conjecture is false, and the topology of the universe is a counter example to it?

  7. #7 Ian Durham
    May 31, 2008

    A saddle-shaped universe is so much cooler. Donuts are boring.

    Yes, but they’re tasty.

    Wouldn’t it be cool if the Poincaré conjecture is false, and the topology of the universe is a counter example to it?

    Indeed.

  8. #8 TimJ
    June 4, 2008

    I’m a highly infrequent poster, but since nobody’s taking the low hanging fruit here, I guess I’ll jump in. Given the nature of the universe, I’m singularly shocked and stunned about the existence of surprised cosmologists. I suppose at the quantum singularity, we should find donut crumbs (the residue, of course).

  9. #9 Dave Bacon
    June 4, 2008

    Maybe donuts are dark energy. I mean, the Simpons continues to run year after year seemingly defying the laws of television, so maybe they are fueled by dark energy a.k.a. donuts…

  10. #10 PhoBix19n
    June 6, 2008

    Then the singularity would be where the donut hole was…?

    Or, would it be where the donut hole isn’t?

    Then I wonder if the Universe is a whole donut holed?

    And does spaghettification come with that?

    Are there 11 other dimensions, running parallel to our universe/donut, and within each dimension a donut + hole wholly it’s own?

    If so, I’d like a dozen 12 dimensional assorted multi-nuts to go…

  11. #11 Jonathan Vos Post
    June 6, 2008

    “Simpons” being the donut-shaped quanta out of which the Simpsons are built, involving entangled pixels and phonons?

The site is undergoing maintenance presently. Commenting has been disabled. Please check back later!