Hot off the presses!
In an amazing breakthrough, which this press release has no room to describe in any real detail, scientists at research university BigU have made tremendous progress in the field of quantum computing. The results mean that quantum computers are one step closer to replacing your laptop computer
Quantum computers work by some mechanism that we don’t have the time to understand. But we are sure our researchers will explain it to you, but you won’t understand anyways, so why ask them? It’s definitely got something to do with multiple universes and bits that are both zero and one at the same time. Both zero and one, we tell you! [Insert random sentence about quantum computers being massively parallel computers, or involving spooky action at a distance, or maybe involving quantum consciousness here.]
Previous research wasn’t nearly as good as the research performed here. Our faculty at BigU are so much better than the faculty at other universities, don’t you know? The results in this experiment are faster, bigger, smaller, slower, and possibly more revolutionary than previous results. Those other researchers are saps and haven’t made nearly as big of step as our big step forward. “Big steps forward” is our motto here at BigU.
“This is a small quote from the scientist who did the research,” said researcher John. Q. Facultymember. “But really I’m just talking to you because it helps my tenure case.”
“Another quote from someone at another university goes here,” said senior faculty member Big Name. “But I will always qualify things and tone it down because I don’t want it to threaten my funding.”
“Sometimes we put something here from someone who is good at popular science writing,” said author of a popular science book vaguely related to quantum computing.
This research was funded by FOO, BAR, and EGO, and we’re hoping that this press release will draw their attention so that they continue to give us money.
It’s not that I don’t understand why science needs PR and more often than not the PR isn’t really that bad. It’s just that it feels like we could really be using our cool scientific results in much more honest and much more protective ways.