Dave Ng over at the World's Fair is at it again, asking what sort of science background Santa Claus has:
So the premise is that Santa is at least several hundred years old, and you've got to assume that somewhere along the line, he spent some time in academia and probably got a degree or two. Now, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that he is a man of science, but I guess the question to ask is in what way specifically?
Now, you might think that there are lots of ways to go with this. You could note the flying reindeer, and say that they're clearly the product of either genetic engineering or at the very least a sophisticated understanding of evolutionary biology. You could take the fact that he manages to deliver toys all over the world as clear evidence that he has found the solution to the Traveling Salesman Problem, and thus is either a mathematician or a computer scientist. But really, all the evidence points to Santa being a physicist.
I mean, it's the only explanation that covers everything. Flying reindeer? Obviously, the product of sophisticated anti-gravity technology. Planning the route? Done with a quantum computer. Likewise, sorting the naughty from the nice, which is clearly some sort of Grover's algorithm issue.
And anybody who can deliver that many toys to that many places in that little time obviously has a deep understanding of relativity, and is using a system of wormholes to travel back and forth in time, spreading the toy-delivering out over an entire year of his own subjective time, while the rest of us only see one night.
That's a much more reasonable explanation than elves making toys in a secret factory at the North Pole and towing them around with reindeer. After all, the supply chain issues alone would be a nightmare, and the speed and weight issues are well known. Spread that load out over an entire year, though, and it becomes much more reasonable, particularly if the wormholes can be targeted to individual houses. This also explains the chimney thing-- he doesn't actually enter via the chimney, itself (which would be impractical for a fat man with a bag of gifts), but rather through a wormhole whose mouth is located in the vicinity of the fireplace, which is obviously one of the safer places in the average house to do that sort of thing, as you can be sure that there won't be anybody standing there when the wormhole opens.
So, clearly, Santa Claus is a physicist. It's the only explanation that makes sense.
Physical Science
Comments
From the evidence available it appears that Santa Claus is a cross-disciplinarian in physics and computer science. Considering that he also can determine the large numbers of children who want the exact same toy, he may also be using the superposition capabilities of quantum computers for period finding algorithms.
I guess that makes sense...maybe.
Posted by: Tyler DiPietro | December 11, 2007 2:42 PM
Santa's activities are clearly "applied" rather than theoretical, and therefore if he WERE personally responsible for all his superpowers, he'd be more of an engineer than a scientist...
Posted by: SMC | December 11, 2007 2:50 PM
Wait, why conclude his field is science? I had been under the impression that Santa Claus is a Half-Elf Cleric.
Posted by: Coin | December 11, 2007 4:41 PM
I think Santa is just an employee. It's his employers who are scientists and engineers. Maybe he actually works for the elves instead of the other way around.
Posted by: Mark P | December 11, 2007 5:09 PM
Mark P:
-- Neil Gaiman
Posted by: Coin | December 11, 2007 7:06 PM
Santa Claus is a Kyrgyz.ö
Posted by: Thomas Larsson | December 12, 2007 3:21 AM
Awesome post!
He's got to have a genetic engineer on staff, right? An elf maybe?
We'll highlighted the post in tomorrow's edition of Hypertext Bazaar. (12.13.07)
This is us: memeticians.com.
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Happy Holidays!
tjc
Posted by: Timothy J. Carroll | December 12, 2007 12:17 PM