The Dogparent

I’m at the computer, typing, when SteelyKid starts fussing in the porta-crib in the living room. “Oh, why are you crying?” I say, as I cross the room. This is the fifth outbreak of fussiness today. “What am I going to do with you?”

“We could eat it!” the dog says, from her pillow next to the crib.

“You’re not helping.”

“I’m just sayin’, dude. If the noise is getting to you, it’s not that big. We could totally eat it.”

“We are not going to eat SteelyKid. She’s a baby, not a snack.” I get to the crib, and start trying to calm her. “And she’s just as cute as you are.”

The dog looks indignant. “Maybe if you like bipeds.”


I get a good whiff from the crib. “Anyway, she’s just crying because she’s messed her diaper. You’d cry, too.”

“Except I know better. Why don’t you just put her outside, and let her crap in the back yard, the way I do?”

“Maybe you haven’t noticed this, but she’s not that mobile.”

“Now that you mention it, shouldn’t she be walking by now? It’s been weeks.”

“It’s not even two weeks. And she’s a baby human, not a puppy. It’ll be months before she’s walking.”

“That’s pretty lame.”

“Yes, well, that’s just how it goes with humans.” I start upstairs to the changing table, SteelyKid in my arms.

“That’ll just make it easier to catch and eat…” the dog mutters.

“I heard that!”

“Sorry, sorry. I’m a good dog! I won’t eat the baby!”

“Good.” SteelyKid chooses this moment to start wailing again.

“Not without permission, anyway…”


  1. #1 Romeo Vitelli
    August 19, 2008

    That’s the difference between dogs and cats. Dogs ask for permission first…

  2. #2 SimonG
    August 19, 2008

    A cat would never eat a baby though. Steel its breath, maybe…

  3. #3 Julianne
    August 20, 2008

    Other than first tooth, first word, etc, a key milestone to look out for is the moment when it’s clear that your kid is finally smarter than your dog.

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