Dance Like a Monkey

As you know, even if you’re not Bob, I promised to “dance like a monkey” if my DonorsChoose challenge passed $6,000 in donations, which it did. Thus, I am obliged to dance like a monkey.

You might think this would be a simple matter of capering about in a loose-limbed, vaguely simian manner, but it’s important to do these things properly, so some thought was required as to what, exactly, would best meet this obligation. As documented in this video:

I hope this meets my obligation, and provides three and a half minutes of entertainment to stop you hitting “refresh” on your favorite poll-watching site during election day.

Many thanks to those of you who donated, even if it did force me to make an ass of myself on video. If you haven’t donated, and enjoyed the video, please consider making a contribution.

And if you’re an American, go vote, already.


  1. #1 veejane
    November 4, 2008

    Oh, Chad. I… can’t even call it blackmail material, since it is not exactly secret.

    Repeat performances are going to be in high demand, you realize.

  2. #2 Maggie
    November 4, 2008

    That was absolutely wonderful.

  3. #3 Mike
    November 4, 2008

    “…keyboard tarantella of hate.”

    Brilliant. Just brilliant.

  4. #4 Skwid
    November 4, 2008

    Quick, somebody edit that to put in organ grinder music!

    Chad…you da’ man. Monkey. Monkey-man. Whatever, it’s all you.

  5. #5 Bill
    November 4, 2008

    Your closing words of wisdom shall stay with me for years to come.

  6. #6 Dr. Free-Ride
    November 4, 2008

    Awesome! (The sprogs concur in this assessment.)

  7. #7 Brian
    November 4, 2008

    That made my day.

    Hopefully I won’t have to watch it again late tonight to re-make my day, but it certainly made my morning.

  8. #8 Max
    November 4, 2008

    That was worth $20. :)

  9. #9 Dr. Kate
    November 4, 2008

    Emmy must have loved that.

  10. #10 Clark
    November 4, 2008

    Fabulous. For some reason, not what I imagined you sounding like, not that I could have really described me expectations though.

  11. #11 Jamie Bowden
    November 4, 2008


  12. #12 Pam
    November 4, 2008

    That was awesome. And now you can say you danced like a monkey on the Internet FOR SCIENCE.

  13. #13 Natalie
    November 4, 2008

    I love DonorsChoose, so I was totally happy to donate, and the opportunity to watch a physics professor discourse about the proper monkey-dancing etiquette and provide a multiple choice version of “dancing like a monkey” made those $200 even more enjoyable…

  14. #14 Wilson
    November 4, 2008

    Thanks a bunch for that, Chad. No one has ever humbled themselves with such class and dignity.

    And like Mike, my favourite line by far was “keyboard tarantella of hate.” Delightful.

  15. #15 Natalie
    November 4, 2008

    Oh my – that was so worth money. You do realize you missed another opportunity to raise money. People would have paid to see that in person! I think I need to go watch it again…

  16. #16 OmegaMom
    November 4, 2008

    Oh, my. That is made of Teh Awesome.

  17. #17 BukaHobbit
    November 4, 2008

    What happened to the poo-flinging option? Monkeys don’t let their mates push them around.

  18. #18 Dave H
    November 4, 2008

    For some reason, when I “acquired” my current monitor from my former work, it had the phrase “DANCE LIKE A MONKEY” stuck on it – so you are not alone.

    I did donate just to see this, though.

  19. #19 John Dilick
    November 4, 2008

    Chad, I definitely owe you a beer for that tour de force.

    Thank you for distracting me on this, the most stressful of days.

    (Off to obsessively refresh various election sites YET AGAIN).

  20. #20
    November 4, 2008’s staff just watched all 3 minutes of this *amazing* goodness and were floored. We wholeheartedly admire your moves and what you and your readers have done to support so many classrooms across the country.
    – The Team

  21. #21 Dave H
    November 4, 2008

    For some reason, when I “acquired” my current monitor from my former work, it had the phrase “DANCE LIKE A MONKEY” stuck on it – so you are not alone.

    I did donate just to see this, though.

  22. #22 Lee Billings
    November 4, 2008

    Hahaha — comedy gold. Thanks for the LOLs, Chad! :)

  23. #23 Adam Rakunas
    November 4, 2008

    I’ve never been happier to be a bastard than today. OOK!

  24. #24 Lee
    November 4, 2008

    Thank god for tenure :).

  25. #25 Mary Kay
    November 4, 2008

    Oh my. Either option 2 or option 3 would have been totally satisfactory. What a bounty of riches. (And you already have tenure so that’s ok.)


  26. #26 Cheryl
    November 4, 2008

    You missed an option. It’s a dance that you may find yourself hating in about 4 years when SteelyKid grows up and starts insisting on watching her own TV shows – the Wiggles “Do the Monkey.

  27. #27 Mike Kozlowski
    November 4, 2008

    1. Shave your head, grow a goatee, and you can do an impressive Lore Sjoberg impersonation.

    2. God, I envy your bookshelves.

  28. #28 Lis Riba
    November 4, 2008

    You forgot about one additional option: dancing like a Monkee

  29. #29 ...tom...
    November 4, 2008

    While I donated some coin through …ahem, another sb page … I seriously did enjoy the poo-flinging-free monkee dance.

    Very nicely done.


  30. #30 Bilal M
    November 5, 2008

    Chad, I am a school child. Do I get some money? Also, are you able to go see Manute Bol this thursday? This is the time for noon hoops to get on the map. I know I’d be the optimal person to speak with him since I have more in common than him (we are both Asian or African), but someone has to step up and invite him to noon hoops.

  31. #31 Anna K.
    November 6, 2008

    Hmmmmmm. Back in ancient times I took a class at the University of Texas from Chad Oliver, chair of the anthropology department. Dr. Oliver was also a science fiction writer. One day, for reasons I forget, Dr. Oliver used lecture time to perform what he said was a chimpanzee food bark. The food bark was very loud and quite distinctive, and especially impressive because Dr. Oliver was such an elegant dresser. I shall never forget seeing a distinguished anthropologist in a handsome suit doing a chimpanzee food bark, and Chad, I shall never forget seeing you in this video.

    There’s just a beautiful symmetry in seeing two distinguished scientist-writers named Chad imitate simians. I don’t know what it means; but somehow I sense that this is important.

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