Preventative Bacon

i-ad5ae5ede3651966bde9404fb053834b-kitchen_wag.jpgI’m waiting for the toaster when the dog trots into the kitchen. “You should give me some bacon!” she says.

“Why is that?” I ask.

“To prevent swine flu!”

“Look, there’s no chance that I’m going to get swine flu from eating pork products. I know you saw some people on the Internet saying that they’re not eating pork because of the flu, but those people are idiots.”

“Not you, silly,” she says. “You should give me bacon so that I don’t get swine flu.”

“What are you talking about?” It’s much too early in the morning for this sort of thing.

“It’s like with the shots, at the Bad Place.” She really doesn’t like going to the vet to get her annual shots. “You explained that they stick little bits of rabies in me so I don’t get rabies. Well, you should give me some bacon, so I don’t get pig disease.”

“Nice try, but no.”

“But that’s how vaccines work,” she says. “You don’t want me to not be vaccinated, do you?”

“First of all, there are no reported cases of swine flu in dogs, so you’re not in any danger. Your biology is very different from human biology–“

“My biology is the best!”

“Your biology is different, and let’s leave it at that. Anyway, there’s almost no chance of you getting the swine flu even if one of us got it.”

“Well, yeah, but there aren’t any cases of rabies in dogs as good as me, either, and you still make me get rabies shots, just to be safe. So I should get bacon, just to be safe.”

“Bacon wouldn’t help. There won’t be any swine flu virus in the meat from a pig, especially after it’s been cured, smoked, and cooked as bacon. And even if there were a tiny amount of the virus in bacon, eating it wouldn’t do you any good, because they wouldn’t get into your system through your stomach.”

“Oh.”

“If you wanted to be protected against swine flu, which you’re not in any danger of catching, you’d need to get a shot, not bacon.”

“Oh. I don’t like shots.”

“No, you don’t. And you don’t need any shots, because you’re not going to get swine flu. And you can’t have any bacon.”

She pouts. The toaster oven beeps, and I pull the toast out.

“I don’t suppose you’d like to give me some steak?” she asks, trying to be extra cute.

“Why should I give you steak?”

“Ummmm…. Cow flu?”

Comments

  1. #1 Dr. Kate
    May 6, 2009

    Silly Emmy–you mean Mad Cow Disease!

  2. #2 becca
    May 6, 2009

    A shot… of bacon?

  3. #3 hat_eater
    May 6, 2009

    Come on – for co-authoring this piece, she deserves her royalty in bacon.

  4. #4 Kate W.
    May 6, 2009

    Emmy listens to reason far better than most of my co-workers. They want anti-baterial gel dispensers installed all over the building.

  5. #5 onymous
    May 6, 2009

    So you’re writing a sequel on how to explain biology to your dog? Great!

  6. #6 DRK
    May 6, 2009

    Wow….Wouldn’t it be awesome if, when they do come up with a swine flu vaccine, they put it on a piece of bacon? Just like the polio vaccine on the sugar cube. Best shot ever.

  7. #7 Erin
    May 7, 2009

    This picture is heartbreaking. JUST GIVE HER THE BACON, Chad!

  8. #8 arenz
    May 8, 2009

    YAY!!! I’m a longtime reader (although I don’t think I’ve ever commented), but I’m SO glad to see Emmy back and up to her old tricks!

    Seriously, nothing brightens my day like a good Emmy post. When I’m drowning in work or having one of those days where nothing seems to be going my way, I’ll go into the archives to read the old Emmy posts, and hearing the Queen’s take on physics and other issues always lightens my mood + leaves me laughing! I’ll be very happy when the book comes out.

    Now that Emmy is a soon-to-be international star, is there a PO Box or something where her fans can send her bacon, milk bones, pupperoni, and everything else which she so richly deserves, but seemingly so rarely receives?

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