I’m waiting for the toaster when the dog trots into the kitchen. “You should give me some bacon!” she says.
“Why is that?” I ask.
“To prevent swine flu!”
“Look, there’s no chance that I’m going to get swine flu from eating pork products. I know you saw some people on the Internet saying that they’re not eating pork because of the flu, but those people are idiots.”
“Not you, silly,” she says. “You should give me bacon so that I don’t get swine flu.”
“What are you talking about?” It’s much too early in the morning for this sort of thing.
“It’s like with the shots, at the Bad Place.” She really doesn’t like going to the vet to get her annual shots. “You explained that they stick little bits of rabies in me so I don’t get rabies. Well, you should give me some bacon, so I don’t get pig disease.”
“Nice try, but no.”
“But that’s how vaccines work,” she says. “You don’t want me to not be vaccinated, do you?”
“First of all, there are no reported cases of swine flu in dogs, so you’re not in any danger. Your biology is very different from human biology–“
“My biology is the best!”
“Your biology is different, and let’s leave it at that. Anyway, there’s almost no chance of you getting the swine flu even if one of us got it.”
“Well, yeah, but there aren’t any cases of rabies in dogs as good as me, either, and you still make me get rabies shots, just to be safe. So I should get bacon, just to be safe.”
“Bacon wouldn’t help. There won’t be any swine flu virus in the meat from a pig, especially after it’s been cured, smoked, and cooked as bacon. And even if there were a tiny amount of the virus in bacon, eating it wouldn’t do you any good, because they wouldn’t get into your system through your stomach.”
“If you wanted to be protected against swine flu, which you’re not in any danger of catching, you’d need to get a shot, not bacon.”
“Oh. I don’t like shots.”
“No, you don’t. And you don’t need any shots, because you’re not going to get swine flu. And you can’t have any bacon.”
She pouts. The toaster oven beeps, and I pull the toast out.
“I don’t suppose you’d like to give me some steak?” she asks, trying to be extra cute.
“Why should I give you steak?”
“Ummmm…. Cow flu?”