You may be too young to know the truth about Santa Claus, but dear old Saint Nick is not the affable Anglo-Saxon philanthropist he appears to be. In fact, evidence suggests that he is an unholy creature of the night, an ancient vampire who would suck your blood if you didn’t placate him with milk and cookies.
Saint Nicholas was born in Greece in the third century AD, more than 1700 years ago. Although rumored to have died at the age of 73, he must have been transformed by some forgotten vampire. Turned into a being that would burn in the light of day, Saint Nick was gradually driven north from the Mediterranean. No one knows how long it took him to reach the North Pole, but once there, he could flee the sun no further. Raiding the wild norths of Europe, he enslaved a race of elves to feed his ageless thirst. For six months of the year, all was darkness, and he devoted himself to his chosen art of toymaking. And when the springtime sun began to peek over the horizon, he slipped into his icy coffin and slept. Also, Saint Nick was a black guy (see video). Only centuries of light deprivation have turned his skin to alabaster.
By the early 1800’s Saint Nick was ready to reintroduce himself to the world. No doubt motivated by pride and vanity, he wanted to show off his superior demonic craftsmanship. In images of his earliest reappearance, Saint Nick looks no younger than he does today. Santa Claus, as he came to be called, had developed awesome supernatural abilities. Empowered by generations of elf-blood, dressed in a suit dyed red by the same, he enchanted horned beasts to pull his sleigh through the air. He visited all good Christian homes in a single night, mocking them with toys of unparalleled ingenuity. He was clairvoyant, nearly omniscient; he could see you when you were sleeping, and knew when you were awake. To fit down tiny chimneys he simply turned himself into a bat. He acquired a beard known as Mrs. Claus to disguise his homosexuality, an orientation he shared with most vampires descended from Anne Rice novels.
This is why Christmas is on December 24: it’s not really the birthday of Jesus, but it is nearly the longest, darkest night of the year. Santa, no doubt, would prefer to fly on the actual solstice, but wanting to corrupt the hearts and minds of the faithful, tried not to appear overtly Satanic. Under the pretense of generosity, he promoted feelings of greed and envy, fixing the eyes of children on material gain. To celebrate Santa Claus it is still customary to cut down a living tree, festoon it with burning lights and pincers, and allow it just enough water to prolong its suffering as long as possible.
Santa’s demonic nature is also the reason Wal-Mart and other retailers have started putting out Christmas decorations right after Halloween, on the Day of the Dead.
And for the record, Santa is not demonic because he’s black or gay; he’s demonic because he’s a vampire. As for Jesus, he was clearly a black gay zombie, but that’s another story.