You may be too young to know the truth about Santa Claus, but dear old Saint Nick is not the affable Anglo-Saxon philanthropist he appears to be. In fact, evidence suggests that he is an unholy creature of the night, an ancient vampire who would suck out your blood if you didn’t placate him with milk and cookies.
Saint Nicholas was born in Greece in the third century AD, more than 1700 years ago. Although rumored to have perished at the age of 73, he must have been trans-substantiated by some forgotten fiend. Transformed into a being that would burn in the light of of the sun, good old Nick was gradually driven north from the Mediterranean. Who knows how long it took him to reach the North Pole, but once there, he could flee the sun no further. Pillaging the wild norths of Europe, Asia, and North America, he enslaved a race of twinkish elves to feed his ageless thirst. For six months of the year, all was darkness, and he devoted himself to his chosen art of toycraft. And when the springtime sun began to peek over the horizon, he slipped into his icy coffin and did not dream. Also, Saint Nick was a black guy (see video). Only centuries of light deprivation have turned his skin to alabaster.
By 1800 Saint Nick was ready to reintroduce himself to the world. Fueled by the awesome power of his pride and vanity, he longed to show off his demonic craftsmanship. In sketches drawn from his earliest, the ageless Saint Nick looks older than he does now, more than 200 years later. Santa Claus, as he wanted to be called, had developed supreme supernatural abilities. Engorged by generations of young elf-blood, dressed in a puffy suit dyed red by the same, he cast magicks on horned beasts to pull his sleigh through the air. He visited all good Christian homes in a single night, mocking their heresy with toys of unparalleled ingenuity. He was clairvoyant, nearly omniscient; he could see you when you were sleeping, and knew when you were awake. To fit down tiny chimneys he turned himself into a bat. He landed a sweet old beard named Mrs. Claus to disguise his flamboyant homosexuality—an orientation he shared with most vampires descended from Anne Rice novels.
That’s why Christmas is near the solstice: it’s not actually the birthday of gay Jesus, but it is quite nearly the longest and darkest night of the year. Under the pretense of generosity, he accelerated feelings of greed and envy, drawing the eyes of children to covetousness and material gain. To mollify Santa Claus, it is still necessary to cleave a tree in twain and festoon it with burning lights and pincers. You should give it enough water to prolong it agony as long as possible.
Santa’s Satanic nature is also the reason Wal-Mart and other observant retailers have started putting out Christmas decorations right after Halloween, on the Day of the Dead.
And for the record, Santa is not the devil because he’s black or gay; he’s the devil because he’s a vampire. Same reason for Jesus re: the zombiism.