You may be too young to know the truth about Santa Claus, but dear old Saint Nick is not the affable Anglo-Saxon philanthropist he appears to be. In fact, evidence suggests that he is an unholy creature of the night, an ancient vampire who would suck your blood if you didn’t placate him with milk and cookies.
Saint Nicholas was born in Greece in the third century AD, more than 1700 years ago. Although rumored to have perished at the age of 73, he must have been trans-substantiated by some forgotten fiend. Transformed into a being that would burn in the light of day, old Saint Nick was gradually driven north from the Mediterranean. Who knows how long it took him to reach the North Pole, but once there, he could flee the sun no further. Pillaging the wild norths of Europe, Asia, and North America, he enslaved a race of twinkish elves to feed his ageless thirst. For six months of the year, his world was darkness, and he could devote all his time to his chosen art of toycraft. When the springtime sun began to peek over the horizon, he slipped into his icy coffin and did not dream at all. Also, Saint Nick was a black guy (see video). Only centuries of light deprivation have turned his skin to alabaster.
By 1800, Nick was ready to reintroduce himself to the world. Fueled by the awesome power of his pride and vanity, he longed to show off his demonic craftsmanship. In sketches drawn from his earliest reappearance, the young devil looks older than he does now, more than two centuries later. Santa Claus, as he asked to be called, had developed supreme supernatural abilities. Engorged by generations of fresh elf-blood, clothed in a puffy suit dyed crimson by the same, he cast evil magicks on horned beasts to lead his sleigh through the air. He visited all Christian homes in a single night, mocking their pious heresy with toys of unparalleled ingenuity. He was clairvoyant, nearly omniscient; he could see you when you were sleeping, and knew when you were awake. To fit down tiny chimneys he simply turned himself into a bat. He landed a sweet old beard named Mrs. Claus to hide his flamboyant homosexuality—an orientation he shares with most vampires descended from Anne Rice novels.
That’s why Christmas is near the winter solstice: it’s not actually the birthday of gay Jesus, but it is quite nearly the longest and darkest night of the year. Under the pretense of generosity, Santa accelerated feelings of greed and envy worldwide, drawing the curious eyes of children to covetousness and material gain. To mollify Santa Claus, it is still customary to cleave a tree in twain and festoon it with burning lights and pincers. One should give it enough water to prolong it agony as long as possible.
Santa’s demonic nature is also the reason Wal-Mart and other highly observant retailers have started putting out Christmas decorations around Halloween, or the Day of the Dead.
And for the record, Santa is not evil because he’s black or gay; he’s the evil because he’s a vampire. Same reason for Jesus being a zombie.