Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider! -George Carlin

Over at The Onion, I found this article about science on television, and I laughed too hard to not reproduce it here. (Link to original.)

Science Channel Refuses To Dumb Down Science Any Further

SILVER SPRING, MD–Frustrated by continued demands from viewers for more awesome and extreme programming, Science Channel president Clark Bunting told reporters Tuesday that his cable network was “completely incapable” of watering down science any further than it already had.

“Look, we’ve tried, we really have, but it’s simply not possible to set the bar any lower,” said a visibly exhausted Bunting, adding that he “could not in good conscience” make science any more mindless or insultingly juvenile. “We already have a show called Really Big Things, which is just ridiculous if you think about it, and one called Heavy Metal Taskforce, which I guess deals with science on some distant level, though I don’t know what it is. Plus, there’s Punkin Chunkin.”

“Punkin Chunkin, for Christ’s sake,” added Bunting, referring to the popular program in which contestants launch oversized pumpkins into the air using catapults. “What more do you people want?”

Along with Bunting’s remarks, the Science Channel issued a statement claiming that it currently airs more than 150 programming hours that are tangentially, and often laughably, related to science, and that staff members are unable to bring themselves to make those hours even more asinine.

Debbie Myers, general manager of the Science Channel, said the cable station has maintained a balance of 5 percent science content and 95 percent mind-numbing drivel over the past few years, and that this was as far as they were willing to go.

“At this point, having the word ‘how’ in a show’s title is about as close to scientific investigation as we get,” Myers said. “In fact, I don’t even know how we can justify airing a show like Mantracker at all. A cowboy hunts contestants down using his trailing skills? I guess you could say it makes the audience use ‘observation’ by watching what happens on screen.”

“Observation is a part of science, right?” Myers added. “Jesus Christ.”

A survey of the network’s current schedule confirmed Monday that on-air demonstrations of such basic scientific principles as “inertia” and “momentum” are mostly relegated to pushing a blindfolded participant strapped to an office chair down a steep hill, while other concepts, such as “sublimation,” are regularly demonstrated by strapping dynamite to a large fiberglass Big Boy statue and then watching it explode.

As evidence of their refusal to further water down programming, network sources pointed to a number of proposed shows they’ve abandoned in recent weeks, including an animal-based bungee-jumping program called Extreme Gravity, and Atom Smashers, a series that was was roundly rejected by focus groups as being “too technical” and “not awesome enough.”

“People liked that the particle accelerators were really huge, but apparently the show didn’t have enough smashing to hold their interest,” said a former employee who wished to remain anonymous. “In the end, it was either add a huge monster truck for no reason whatsoever or pull the plug on the entire project. Honestly, I don’t think I’d be able to face my wife and children had we gone through with it.”

While they won’t be dumbing down their already crude lineup of shows, Science Channel officials assured viewers that the network will continue to cater to the lowest common denominator and will keep airing embarrassingly base content completely stripped of all intellectual integrity. Officials also noted that the cable channel greatly values the 18- to 45-year-old demographic of louts, clods, and empty-headed dumb fucks.

“I don’t like it when the science people talk about things no one can even understand,” said Rich Parker, an Ohio resident. “It’s like, just quit your yapping and dip the chain saw into the liquid nitrogen already.”

David Zaslav, CEO of the network’s parent company, Discovery Communications, said he has not ruled out rebranding the Science Channel as the Stuff Channel.

Also, their news report on J.D. Salinger’s death is a must read. For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, the Onion, like the UK’s Daily Mash, is satire. (And, if you liked the above, check out The Daily Mash’s top science article this week.)

As for what I’ve been listening to this week? Helplessly Hoping by Crosby, Stills and Nash; I think it’s great. I hope you like it, too!

Comments

  1. #1 Brian
    January 30, 2010

    Shiny satire make it all better.

  2. #2 Michel
    January 30, 2010

    That´s why the movie “Idiocracy” isn´t a comedy, but a black, bitter prophesy.

  3. #3 NewEnglandBob
    January 30, 2010

    I saw the Salinger piece at the Onion yesterday. Being satire does not excuse it from being in very bad taste. I love the Onion but they crossed the line on that one.

  4. #4 Sphere Coupler
    January 30, 2010
  5. #5 Doazic
    January 30, 2010

    I got every episode of Extreme Gravity. That shit is off the fucking hook.

  6. #6 Julian Smith
    January 30, 2010

    NewEnglandBob, are you kidding? The Salinger article is brilliant.

  7. #7 BenHead
    February 1, 2010

    It is pretty sad. And having seen a couple of episodes of “Destroyed in Seconds” on Discovery, I’m thinking none of their networks have much to offer. (Though it is fun to mock by shouting after every replay of every event, “FWAH! That was DESTROYED in SECONDS!!!”)

    I guess NatGeo and PBS are all that’s left for reliably good science TV….

  8. #8 AAT Lady
    June 8, 2010

    my personal opinion is that science television is in all ways better than ordinary one. of course a couple of times i saw some really stupid programs, but you have to bare with it.

  9. #9 kellybinzoop
    December 20, 2010

    Yes I do heard it before, too sad :(
    But I think it is not something like we were not expecting, it should be happened one day, So what if it is so early :(
    Iraqi Dinar

  10. #10 j & J
    February 16, 2011

    How discouraging to find such crap on the Science, Discovery & both history channels. I have stopped watching those channels since most programs are now nothing but drivel. “An Idiot Abroad”, “Pawn Stars” and “Punkin Chunkin” are classic cases of dumbing down. This stuff is an embarrassment to an intelligent person and it may be good enough for the rest of America but I’m tuning out. Take your programs and shove them.

  11. #11 j & J
    February 16, 2011

    How discouraging to find such crap on the Science, Discovery & both history channels. I have stopped watching those channels since most programs are now nothing but drivel. “An Idiot Abroad”, “Pawn Stars” and “Punkin Chunkin” are classic cases of dumbing down. This stuff is an embarrassment to an intelligent person and it may be good enough for the rest of America but I’m tuning out. Take your programs and shove them.

  12. #12 j & J
    February 16, 2011

    How discouraging to find such crap on the Science, Discovery & both history channels. I have stopped watching those channels since most programs are now nothing but drivel. “An Idiot Abroad”, “Pawn Stars” and “Punkin Chunkin” are classic cases of dumbing down. This stuff is an embarrassment to an intelligent person and it may be good enough for the rest of America but I’m tuning out. Take your programs and shove them.

  13. #13 j & J
    February 16, 2011

    How discouraging to find such crap on the Science, Discovery & both history channels. I have stopped watching those channels since most programs are now nothing but drivel. “An Idiot Abroad”, “Pawn Stars” and “Punkin Chunkin” are classic cases of dumbing down. This stuff is an embarrassment to an intelligent person and it may be good enough for the rest of America but I’m tuning out. Take your programs and shove them.

  14. #14 Anthony Passero
    October 7, 2011

    Just wasting some free time on Stumbledupon and I found your article . Not typically what I like to learn about, but it was certainly worth my time. Thanks.

  15. #15 Ron
    November 19, 2011

    Could anything get more stupid than that group of fat asses shooting pumpkins?What’s the deal with discovery anyway,Don’t they realize that the reason people watch their networks is because the rest of T.V is so damn stupid?

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