“This is Tokyo. Once a city of six million people. What has happened here was caused by a force which up until a few days ago was entirely beyond the scope of Man’s imagination.” -Steve Martin
What was once only in the realm of our wildest science-fiction fantasies has become a nightmare come true for the people of Japan. Reports are everywhere that a fearsome, 200-foot tall monster emerged from the damaged Fukushima Reactor early this morning.
Referred to by eyewitnesses as some kind of whale-gorilla, the creature now has one Universally recognized name,
The Japanese military has tried without success to contain the behemoth. After initially coaxing it into the ocean,
this Godzilla creature made its way inland once again, and is now on course to take it directly towards Tokyo.
Most recently, the creature has been spotted in the northern hills, just to the West of the Edogawa River.
Will anyone anywhere be safe? Will even a single soul be spared from destruction? Responses have been mixed.
When asked for comment, a school-child named Kohei has gone on the record as saying, “If I say ‘no,’ can I have some of your mochi? Please?”
On the other hand, his mother Yuki thinks that Godzilla would make an excellent addition to the family. “Hard work, safety and hygiene are important. By always cooking food before eating it and bathing regularly, I think this will set a good example for Kohei,” she explained.
President Obama was unavailable for comment, but the state department did release these artistic renditions of what could happen if Godzilla continues unchecked.
U.S. Army General Bryan D. Brown has come out of retirement to lead the U.S.’ Special Operations Command, and issued the following statement:
We would like to remind everyone that Godzilla has already expressed her thirst for mangled steel and the sweet, sweet taste of blood. She appears to have little to no interest in marriage proposals at this time. We are doing everything we can to subdue the creature.
When asked about what tactics the United States military might take towards that end, he responded,
Well, the enemy’s weaknesses are unknown, but we do have a secret weapon that we have been developing over the past 40 years. We believe it to be our only hope.
Will anyone be spared?!?! To take semi-regular reader Ricardo G. out of context, “PANIC!!!!!!! ….. sensationalist headline …. brilliant!”