“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.” -Orson Welles

I just completed my 35th trip around the Sun yesterday, which was a great time! But, it got me thinking, has my time in this world resulted in a build-up of toxic substances in my body? Is there any way to get rid of them? Is there anything, as Olenka & the Autumn Lovers might sing, that can get me

Clean?

Well, maybe there is, if you look in the right place!

Image credit: http://www.cleansevsdiet.com/. *NOT* an endorsement, by any means!

Image credit: http://www.cleansevsdiet.com/. *NOT* an endorsement, by any means!

Think your kidneys and liver aren’t doing a good enough job of removing harmful toxins from your body? Tired of fads that don’t work? Worried that changing your lifestyle and food habits is just too hard and expensive?

Image credit: AisleTracker blog, via http://www.aisletracker.com/.

Image credit: AisleTracker blog, via http://www.aisletracker.com/.

Then you need these sugar-free gummi bears!

Image credit: Haribo candies, via http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: Haribo candies, via http://www.amazon.com/.

Made with five real fruit flavors and coming in crystalline, jewel-like, sparkling clear colors, you’ll delight at the taste of these delicious candies, all without any sugar at all.

Instead, of sugar, these are sweetened with Lycasin, a hydrogenated glucose syrup. And what a deal: this five-pound bag of deliciousness contains over 1,000 individual gummi bears!

And unlike other detox diets that only cleanse one organ in your body and require you to starve yourself, the Haribo sugar-free gummi bears will clear out your entire digestive tract, and do so in a splendidly violent manner!

Image credit: Screenshot from Amazon. Blue arrows added by me for emphasis.

Image credit: Screenshot from Amazon. Blue arrows added by me for emphasis.

But don’t take my word for it; let’s hear some real customer testimonies from Amazon:

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

With sixteen pages of customer testimony, you know you can’t go wrong with the Gummi Bear Detox Cleanse!

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

And if you’re ever in in Phoenixville, PA, make sure you stop by Andrew Schaefer’s office for a rollicking good time.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: actual customer review of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears from http://www.amazon.com/.

It’s even a selling point on the product itself!!!

Image credit: Haribo candies, via http://www.amazon.com/.

Image credit: Haribo candies, via http://www.amazon.com/.

Warnings are features, too! Remember, folks, intestinal distress isn’t a bad thing, it’s just your body’s way of undergoing purification. Not since the Onion have I seen such a spectacular promise of weight loss and detoxification. So what are you waiting for? Order yours today!!

(Warning, the above post may contain satire. Also, toxins don’t actually work the way the “cleanse” image indicates; the wikipedia page on detoxification is fascinating. If you actually have serious problems with sugar and are looking for a tasty, sugar-free snack, these are apparently delicious. Just know what you’re getting yourself into.)

Comments

  1. #1 mandas
    August 4, 2013

    Are there really people in the world who are stupid enough to fall for this crap?

  2. #2 Eric Lund
    August 4, 2013

    Are there really people in the world who are stupid enough to fall for this crap?

    Yes. This has been another edition of Simple Answers to Simple Questions.

    You’ll find plenty of evidence by looking into the people Orac ridicules on his blog.

  3. #3 andyo
    August 4, 2013

    Just in case, while others do think like that, I don’t think these particular people were looking to detox, just to buy sugar free candy. This is not a scam product. There are similar reviews for example for sugar-free Twizzlers. If you are lucky enough not to get diarrhea you’re golden.

  4. #4 andyo
    August 4, 2013

    ^ That was a response to the comments, not to the post. I know it was satire.

  5. #5 Michael Fisher
    https://secure.gravatar.com/michaeljfisher
    August 4, 2013

    Happy 35th birthday Ethan! I’m 22 orbits ahead of you & I hope you’ll keep me in touch with the current thinking in your field for as long as I’m here. BTW Have theoretical cosmologists accounted for the relation of colour to electric charge in high energy gummions?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJ-pSfXcXtw

    I suspect it’s an open field of inquiry. Please keep on doing your thing. It’s good.

  6. #6 Wow
    August 5, 2013

    Hell, there’s sugar-free caffeine-free Red Bull.

    Talk about effing stupid…

  7. #7 Sinisa Lazarek
    August 5, 2013

    I love gummy bears… in fact, I love all those gummy treats.. the snakes, bares, cola’s etc..

    But let’s be realistic… it’s rubber… eating any amount doesn’t make our stomach happy :) And 20pcs isn’t a small amount. :D

    but agree that sideffects in this are a bit hard. My girl friend had a similar reaction while eating peanuts, one or two might have been a bit stale. She wanted to die that night. I ate from the same batch and had no issues…

  8. #8 dean
    August 5, 2013
  9. #9 FJ
    Netherlands
    August 5, 2013

    WOW!!! Where can I order such an enormous gummi bear???

  10. #10 Joe Blow
    August 6, 2013

    Now if my gastroenterologist would use them as colonoscopy prep, I’d be happier. in case you haven’t had a colonoscopy prep, the product reviews accurately describe the results (but colonoscopy prep usually doesn’t have so much gas). Envision you as the space shuttle (with apologies to Dave Barry)
    http://www.miamiherald.com/2009/02/11/v-print/427603/dave-barry-a-journey-into-my-colon.html

  11. #11 dean
    August 7, 2013

    “…in case you haven’t had a colonoscopy prep,”

    The prep involves what has been aptly described as “the night of a thousand waterfalls”

  12. #12 Julse
    August 12, 2013

    That’s great, I mean the news about sugarless little buddies as I am a super huge fan of them since I was a kid. Now when I am on a diet I tend to make sort of healthy gummy bears at home (grabbed recipe over here http://www.askwiki.net/How-to-Make-Gummy-Bears the second recipe) although they turn out to become not that chewy. I don’t really believe in like completely sugar free candies as I still don’t get how you can do that. So my point is you better make them yourself at home to be sure they will correspond your diet type.

  13. #13 JuanitaFrapp
    August 26, 2013

    That’s great to hear about detox diet. Thanks Ethan for amazing using healthy informative article. Nowadays many people are not aware of diet and most of the people are addicted to junk food or fatty foods. It’s much needed article for me. I regularly prefer for natural diet instead junk food or fatty foods it’s takes longer time to digestive and get rid. By consuming natural diet our bowel movements will be frequent and easy to move away. Once again thanks a lot.

  14. #14 grig
    SF, CA
    September 24, 2013

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/food/calories/haribo-sugarless-gummy-bears-2263302

    17 sugar-free gummys is 120 calories. All of which are carbs. Carbs are sugar! It’s much healthier to get real sugar!

    Remember, carbohydrates ARE sugar! ;)

  15. #15 Wow
    September 25, 2013

    How long a chain they are tells you how you will digest them: small chain sugars are easy to digest and will have a different biological effect because the mechanisms for regulating blood sugar in the body (it’s used as a disinfectant, you know, strong sugar solutions: they are inimical to life) don’t have enough time to work out that there’s been sugar eaten.

  16. #16 Colin Mansfield
    New York
    January 20, 2014

    I can testify as to these effects. I made a video documenting my journey when I ingested around 2lbs of these gelatinous demons for a bet.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu5i2gguCH0&feature=youtu.be

  17. #17 onionkisss
    some place in time an space
    March 4, 2014

    you guys made me laugh so hard lololololololololol

  18. #18 PJ
    March 4, 2014

    Well, Steven Hawking said it all started from a singularity. There was a big explosion. Then there were a lot of singularities in a pile of black holes. Seems like it all may have started from the gummy bears, maybe …..

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