Stranger Fruit

You’re #43

For the second year running, you – yes, YOU, laddie! – have made the BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America. A slip from last year?s #9 slot, but an appearance none the less:

43. You

Charges: You think it?s your patriotic duty to spend money you don?t have on crap you don?t need. You think Hillary lost because of sexism, when it?s actually because she?s just a bad liar. You think Iraq is better off now than before we invaded, and don?t understand why they?re so ungrateful. You think Tim Russert was a great journalist. You?re hopping mad about an auto industry bailout that cost a squirt of piss compared to a Wall Street heist of galactic dimensions, due to a housing crash you somehow have blamed on minorities. It took you six years to figure out what a tool Bush is, but you think Obama will make it all better. You deem it hunky dory that we conduct national policy debates via 8-second clips from ?The View.? You think God zapped humans into existence a few thousand years ago, although your appendix and wisdom teeth disagree. You like watching vicious assholes insult each other on TV. You support gun rights, because firing one gives you a chubby. You cuddle falsehoods and resent enlightenment. You think the fact that 43% of whites could stomach voting for an incredibly charismatic and eloquent light-skinned black guy who was raised by white people means racism is over. You think progressive taxation is socialism. 1 in 100 of you are in jail, and you think it should be more. You are shallow, inconsiderate, afraid, brand-conscious, sedentary, and totally self-obsessed. You are American.

Indeed.

Unsurprisingly, Obama, McCain and Palin make an appearance, though at differing ends of the rankings. Guess who is where.

Good news for the Discovery Institute though. While spurned last year after the 2006 appearance of Bruce Chapman, the DI is back in the form of Ben Stein:

32. Ben Stein

Charges: Daddy got him a job as a lawyer and speechwriter for Nixon; since then his ethics have slid. Whether misrepresenting Democratic policies on Fox News or dry-humping free market mythology in The American Spectator, Stein’s brand of conservatism is as credible as a memoir on Oprah?s reading list. Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, his 2008 anti-science propaganda film, would have made Leni Riefenstahl blush. He intentionally misquoted Darwin to link the theory of evolution to the Holocaust, earning the diehard Zionist a firm rebuke from the Anti-Defamation League, to which he replied, ?It’s none of their fucking business.? In his cinematic quest to paint a handful of fact-deficient creationist teachers as the oppressed soldiers of free speech, Stein willfully misrepresented himself to interview subjects, butchered their words with creative editing and infringed on a multitude of copyrights.

Remember, kiddies, friends don?t let friends watch Expelled.

Comments

  1. #1 The Science Pundit
    January 12, 2009

    Hey! Just last week I turned 43. Hmmmm … perhaps I should start believing in numerology.

  2. #2 Art
    January 12, 2009

    Touche.

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