Manatees
evolgen | April 30, 2007Dr. Doris Haggis-on-Whey and her husband Benny, as part of their H-O-W series of books, have produced an absolutely dispensable piece of misinformation, the third in a series of we can only hope not too many, ineloquently titled Animals of the Ocean: In Particular the Giant Squid. They claim that their World of Unbelievable Brilliance series, of which Animals of the Ocean is the third in a series of we can only hope . . . um, they claim that their series . . . well, I don't really know what they claim, because they never get around to it.
Dr. and Mr. Haggis-on-Whey are neither not biologists…
evolgen | April 9, 2007
Manatees may be reclassified as threatened; they are currently listed as endangered. Any good patriot will recognize this as a smart move to defend our safety. If we can stop them before they reach the northeast United States, some of us may be able to maintain our way of life.
Shelley disagrees. She thinks the state of Florida needs to protect these anti-American beasts. I think Shelley is living in the state of denial, along with Jacob. Florida must do everything to ensure to manatees remain down there. Because we're fighting them down there so that we don't have to fight them up here. If…
evolgen | March 29, 2007URGENT: We have a new update from the War Against Manatees.
The Bad Reporter has a dispatch from the great manatee migration. While the enviro-terrorists are claiming global warming is to blame, we patriots know what's up. It's not warm northern waters that are drawing the sea cows north. They're out to undermine our way of life.
That's right -- they're on their way to Massachusetts (aka, the Gay State) for some dirty man-on-man action. And maybe some woman-on-woman action. But definitely man-on-man. Hot, steamy, man-manatee-on-man-manatee action. DIRTY!!!
Because you can't get that kind of…
evolgen | March 27, 2007We've told you about the manatees making their move from the southeastern United States to the northeast. We warned you that the sea cows ain't as dumb as you thought they were. We took you inside their training camps. We showed you the future of the manatees.
But now, thanks to a patriotic group of researchers, we have information on the organization of the manatee genome -- an important first step in preventing the manatee invasion. The researchers, from the University of Florida and the National Cancer Institute, conclude that the closest living relatives of the manatees, dugongs, and…
evolgen | January 16, 2007
Don't say I didn't warn you. We have irrefutable evidence that the manatees are attacking. We're only now gaining insights into their advance technology. Only a week ago did I say to Sandy:
And I'm obsessed with manatees, not chimeras. That is, unless the matatees devise some sort of manatee/lobster chimera. That would really freak me out.
Never did I think I could be so right, yet so wrong, at the same time. This site contains some odd pictures demonstrating what happens when animal-animal chimeras go wrong. Included is the photo above -- the MANAPHANT, or manatee/elephant chimera. The…
evolgen | January 4, 2007Jacob appears to be an enemy combatant in the War on ManateesTM. They are attacking the Northeast United States via our inland waterways. Jacob, who lives west of the continental divide, is safe from the attack. Many of us are not so lucky. Quit being such an enabler, Jacob.
evolgen special feature: We have obtained an exclusive photograph from a manatee training camp located near Sarasota, Florida. The picture can be found below the fold.
Click to enlarge.
evolgen | November 13, 2006They just act stoned.
As Dean Wormer would tell you, "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life." We can rule out that manatees are drunk -- although alcohol run off from Panama City Beach may bump the Gulf of Mexico up to 10 proof, that's hardly enough liquor to get a half ton beast hammered. But they're definitely fat and appear quite stupid.
Research out of the Mote Marine Lab indicates that we shouldn't mistake the manatees' half-baked attitude for stupidity. These marine mammals aren't stupid; they're just happy. And lazy. And fat. But they ain't dumb:
Hugh, a manatee in a tank…
evolgen | October 24, 2006No ocean, river, or fjord is safe. The manatees are attacking. We've warned you before. Now is the time to take notice. Three times is a trend.
evolgen | August 22, 2006
Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, but three times is a trend. The manatee in the Hudson River was an accident -- the Christopher Columbus of manatees if you will. The manatee in Rhode Island is a coincidence. I blame it on the grad student from our lab who moved to Florida to study manatees. She probably told them all about how great it is to live in the Northeast United States, so they came up here to check it out. Let's hope she didn't tell all of them about it; I don't want any trendy manatees hanging out in my neighborhood.