i-ee8dc2e7aa2ca25be30d45aa04b4eb50-MarkTownsend.jpgMark Townsend, a putative candidate for the U.S. Senate in Alabama, is onto something big. “I am running for U.S. Senator of the Great State of Alabama,” he explains, “because I believe in 1906 NCAA was not created. They evolved from the same system of government created by the Roman and British Empires. I believe these systems of government were evil.”
Furthermore:

I believe we the people of America must choose God over evolvement and open our eyes to both the evil and the good that has evolved or been created by us the citizens of America. I want to make it crystal clear that I believe in creation by Holy God. I believe science proves God. I believe the theory of evolution is a Constitutional right of any citizen in the United States. I believe it is unconstitutional and unscientific to teach evolution in public schools. I will now attempt to open eyes to the fact that NCAA is the reason evolution is taught in public schools and the fact that NCAA is a private corporation owned by Halliburton, who is owned by the Bush family.

Townsend’s keen mind has discerned that:

Genesis is defined as the birth of the way something comes to be. There are two ways something comes to be:

1. By creation of one of superior power.

2. By the process of evolvement.

Townsend never quite clarifies how the NCAA forces evolutionevolvement to be taught, but that’s a small matter. The big issue is?

Why does the power company donate to his opponents:

Food for Thought

Alabama Power Company has given millions of dollars to Jeff Sessions, thousands of dollars to Vivian Figures, and cut of the power of Mark “No NCAA” Townsend.

Besides, the NCAA also created the Federal Reserve, which Ron Paul has shown to be evil, and it keeps marching bands from being shown during televised college football games. Which you would know if the NCAA hadn’t shut off your electricity.

Other things you’d know:

1. History of the days of the Roman Empire, British Empire, and now the American Empire will prove the below facts to be true in order to control people:

First, you take control of sports. Second, you take control of currency “money” banking system. Third, you take control of education “text books”. Fourth, you take control of the military. [Fifth, profit!]

2. The founding fathers of the United States of America were very aware of the above facts. This is why the U.S. Constitution was written.

And so forth. This is truly the perfect conspiracy theory, and I hereby sign up. The NCAA is a secret world government, and anyone who says otherwise is itching for a ?

Let’s let Townsend explain:

Facts in Winston County:

1. If someone treats your mother without respect, you fight.

2. If someone calls you a chicken, you take the challenge or fight.

3. If someone calls you a sissy, then you are one if you don’t fight.

Facts:

Mr. Bishop and I both live in Winston County. He is a republican. I am a democrat. Mr. Bishop can simply admit that he was a quitter and I finished second [in the 2002 gubernatorial primary] or he must meet my challenge.

1. He can hit me 5 times with his fist and I will still pick him up and put him over my head.

2. He can let Jeff Sessions hit me 10 times and I will pick him up and put him over my head 5 times.

3. If I win Mr. Bishop has to stand on top of the Alabama State Capitol with a sign reading, “Sessions Is A Sissy .com”.

If he wins I stand on top of Alabama State Capitol in a pink dress.

That’s good enough for me!

Comments

  1. #1 flo
    August 21, 2008

    Seriously, who let him out of the madhouse?

  2. #2 Matt Penfold
    August 21, 2008

    Why when I look at him do I think he his own uncle ?

    And why does he not own up to appearing in Fry and Lawrie’s “Kicking Ass” video ?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6riY-103vbc

    He looks a bit older now, but the video is at least 15 years old.

  3. #3 Umlud
    August 21, 2008

    I read this and went, “…wtf…evolvement (wtf?)…wtf…?”

  4. #4 megan
    August 21, 2008

    “He can hit me 5 times with his fist and I will still pick him up and put him over my head.”

    I am going to try to use this quote in my daily communication as much as possible. And if you don’t believe me, hit me 5 times with your fist and I will still pick you up and put you over my head.

  5. #5 Brett McCoy
    August 21, 2008

    NCAA… yes, our government is REALLY being run by college sports atheletes who want evolution taught in the schools!

  6. #6 Cheryl Shepherd-Adams
    August 21, 2008

    O. M. F. G. Why first cousins shouldn’t marry.

  7. #7 JayMagoo
    August 21, 2008

    Such is the level of political discourse in the great state of Alabama.

  8. #8 John McKay
    August 21, 2008

    He’s wearing a flag pin. That’s all that matters.

  9. #9 Anthony
    August 21, 2008

    This is a joke, right?

  10. #10 Matt Hussein Platte
    August 21, 2008

    This is precisely why I wear “Key” brand overalls (no zipper), a Palm Beach Florida tee shirt, buzz the hair off my head, let my beard grow and grow and get new glasses every ten years or so. I wear Converse hi-tops or Jackass (the TV show) brand sneakers.

    Other than these superficial details, I’m a spittin’image of this clown. And so very many others…. It’s darned difficult, venturing out in public, without being mistaken for “one of *those* guys”.

  11. #11 Art
    August 21, 2008

    I’m not sure how to take this.

    The publicans are either scraping the bottom of their barrel ,or bringing up their big guns. Perhaps scraping the barrel of their big guns, or scratching their bottoms.

  12. #12 Tyler DiPietro
    August 22, 2008

    Does he mean NAACP? Evolution is being taught because of those shifty, uppity blacks. Fits with the stereotype of the Alabaman redneck. :P

  13. #13 Dunc
    August 22, 2008

    There is clearly something very, very wrong with mental health care in Alabama.

  14. #14 Janicot
    August 22, 2008

    I don’t know — according to wiki…(always use a good source) — the NCAA was founded in 1906 and the NAACP was founded in 1909. That’s way too much coincidence for me. There is obviously a connection.

    We should be indebted to him for pointing it out to us all so we won’t be surprised and can defend our wives and daughters when they(tm) come for us.

  15. #15 Blaidd Drwg
    August 24, 2008

    The REALLY frightening thing is that, in Alabama, this guy might actually get elected.

    Bubba for US Senate!!

    < <<< Shudder >>>>

  16. #16 Bert Chadick
    August 24, 2008

    Is he talking about the same NCAA that everyone else talks about when they mention the NCAA?

    I smell the next Senator from the Great State Of Alabama!

  17. #17 tincture
    August 24, 2008

    Wasn’t that guy in The Big Lebowski?

  18. #18 Art
    August 24, 2008

    I dunno ’bout y’all, but if he’s apromisin’ to plow Auburn under and reincarnate Bear Bryant, he’s got my vote.

    At least some people have their priorities in order.

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