The Cheerful Oncologist

Here are the latest medical headlines that without question are crucial to the survival of the human race. As a continuing service to his readers, the moderator offers up these breathtaking revelations from the realm of health, or the lack of it:

"Yoghurt chewing gum aims to tackle tooth decay"

The new gum contains a strain of the bacteria Lactobacillus found in live yoghurt, which attach to the decay-causing bacteria, preventing them from adhering to teeth.

"Wake up, parents: Your kids are fat"

Pollsters may have discovered another symptom of the childhood obesity epidemic: widespread delusion among parents. A new poll shows that only 9 per cent of Canadian parents believe their children are overweight or obese. That is markedly less than the 26 per cent who are, in fact, overweight or obese, according to data collected by Statistics Canada.

"70 diners sick after eating raw snails"

Seventy people in Beijing have been diagnosed as suffering from Guangzhou Angiostrongylus meningitis, the Beijing Bureau of Health said at a press conference yesterday. The bureau said the meningitis outbreak had caused no deaths so far and three patients had left hospital after treatment.

"Doctors test ways to grow knee cartilage"

Doctors are testing new ways to spur cartilage to regrow in damaged knees, from implanted "cartilage plugs" to injections of bone-marrow stem cells. The potential new options are being tried first in people who injured their knees and thus need small amounts of cartilage to regrow. But if they truly work, the techniques one day might offer hope for arthritis sufferers, too, whose cartilage over time completely erodes.

"Researchers discover how acid reflux leads to esophageal cancer"

A particular enzyme is significantly higher in cancer cells that have been exposed to acid, and leads to the overproduction of hydrogen peroxide. It is a possible explanation for how acid reflux can lead to cancer of the esophagus, according to a recent study in the Journal of Biological Chemistry.

"Paris Hilton praises her debut album"

"Paris" the album was set for release Tuesday. Hilton's breathy, reggae-infused single, "Stars Are Blind," has climbed to the top of Billboard's dance music chart. Of her album, she says, "I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good."

It's late and I am exhausted, therefore I shall leave it to the readers to form their own conclusions as to the meaning of these stories. As for me, rather than type out a bunch of malarky I shall give my opinion in a non-verbal fashion. Thank you and g'nite.

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