The Cheerful Oncologist

As anyone who has ever received chemotherapy knows, oncologists are required to explain the possible risks and side-effects of all recommended medications before giving them. This is called informed consent and is a crucial part of the process of destroying cancer cells, both seen and unseen. As our training manual clearly states:

"It is unethical to introduce a drug and/or biological agent into the body of a person without warning that same person of the potential adverse consequences on his or her personage that introduction of the drug and/or biological agent could introduce."

Who writes this stuff, Major Frank Burns?

In order to ensure that patients understand the risks, we docs have to translate this verbiage into more succinct language. For example, here is what I tell folks who are going to receive treatment with docetaxel, cisplatin and fluorouracil:

"The risks include but are not limited to fever, infection, pneumonia, death [Why is death number four on this list? Hmm? -Editor], vomiting, alopecia, anemia, need for blood transfusion, mouth sores, diarrhea, fingernail toxicity, skin rash, fluid overload syndrome [That don't sound good... -Ed.], nerve damage, bleeding, kidney damage, hearing loss and fatigue."

"Ooohh.....now I get it, Doc." (Turns and runs for door at a clip that would embarrass an Arabian stallion).

I know it's harsh but it has to be done. It's only fair to warn people in advance of the possible consequences, which brings me to today's topic. After a particularly brutal experience with my car, I realized that no one at the dealership ever gave me informed consent when I bought this jalopy. This is wrong. In the modern spirit of exuberant altruism, therefore, I have constructed an informed consent document that may help potential automobile buyers before signing on the dotted line. I hereby publish this form for all, without any expectation of recompense or around-the-clock coverage on CNN. (Click below for the document).

"I have been informed of the risks and possible side effects of ownership of this automotive vehicle and understand them to include but not be limited to the following:

1. Backing into mother-in-law's car.

2. Involuntary manslaughter of furry friends.

3. Voluntary manslaughter of neighbor's pet.

4. Loss of small change, Tic Tacs, lip balm and other sundries down assorted crevices.

5. Repeated messages from radio to eliminate high-interest credit card debt with equity in home.

6. Backing into mother-in-law's car twice.

7. Exceeding car top weight limit.

8. Unexpected stops.

9. Attempting simultaneous activities in vehicle.

10. Sudden loss of control in adverse driving conditions.