The Cheerful Oncologist

200 scientists attended an international conference in Chicago this last week in order to sniff out the latest research on a ubiquitous health disorder.

"We want to advance the science in this field," said Christine Wu, a researcher at the University of Illinois at Chicago, who helped organize the conference.

[The disorder] is neglected because it is not a disease that will kill people," she said in an interview. "But it's a huge problem. Everybody suffers from [the disorder] at one point in their lifetime."

The treatments for this malady range from over-the-counter medicines to an overhaul of the entire body, especially if one suffers from decay, infection, diabetes or a rather nonchalant attitude about just what kind of impression one should make when appearing in public. The remedy for this pitiable affliction almost always includes repeated purges of the evil humors and vapors found hidden within.

"It's taboo," said Patricia Lenton, a clinical researcher at the University of Minnesota. "You are typecast as the smelly person."

Some poor souls who are actually still uninfected develop a mania where they believe themselves to be suffering from the disease. The results can be disastrous:

"It's an obsessive compulsive disorder," Lenton said. "There have been documented cases in Japan of people committing suicide from this."

In order to protect any underage readers, I have been instructed by the executives at our main headquarters to reveal the name of this medical catastrophe only to those of legal age. By clicking on the link below, the reader hereby certifies that he or she is over the age of 21. Do not, I repeat, do not click the link unless you are ready to receive this shocking news. You have been warned.

"Scientists bringing bad breath out of the closet"

I wish these brave researchers Godspeed in their search for a cure. For those who may scoff at this quest, just remember what George Carlin said about bad breath...