A report from MSNBC identifies seven food items commonly thought to be nutritious (or at least harmless) but actually either filled with nasty ingredients or stripped of healthy ones.

If I may be permitted, I’d like to summarize the author’s findings. The seven deadly snack foods (and their sins of comission and omission) are these:

1. Granola bars – aw, c’mon – that ain’t true…they are good for you…I refute it thus! [kicks display rack full of Three Musketeers] (sugar and chocolate, little protein/fiber/vitamins)

2. Bottled tea beverages – (full of sugar and spices, but little tea, thus little antioxidants)

3. Pretzels – have you ever not seen a line at Auntie Annes? (salt, with little else unless you buy one loaded with fatty extras)

4. Muffins – reminds me of Robert DeNiro in Casino: “…look how many blueberries your muffin has and how many mine has. Yours is falling apart. I have nothing.” (loaded with fat)

5. Rice cakes – OhmyGawd, is nothing sacred? (empty of calories and nutrition)

6. Fruit snacks that come in little bags and remind us of gummy bears – (bereft of vitamins and antioxidants, full of unspeakably evil additives that make a double cheeseburger look like a prudent alternative)

7. Frozen yogurt – okay, you got us there. Who among the intelligentsia would be fooled into thinking that frozen yogurt was a vegetable substitute? For cryin’ out loud – this is our reward for a hard afternoon at the gym! (no active cultures, full of fat)

Fortunately the story spared some of our favorite vices, such as dark chocolate, chili-lime tortilla chips, and peat-roasted barley turned into grist, then wort, then wash, then through the lyne arm into foreshots, new makes and feints. Yum, yum!