I’ve been trying to think of some New Year’s Resolutions that are germane to living in our modern world (this is just a polite way of saying “Grow up! You can’t spend your entire life living like you did when your were fifteen”). Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed being a teenager, but am even happier that I am now old enough to reflect on how to refine my delicate existence on Mother Earth, rather than just worry about where my next pizza is coming from.
It’s time to abandon any hope of salvaging 2007 from the savages of our critics. Those of us who have not used this year wisely, who have failed to add more jewels to the treasure chest labeled “Values” are out of time. There is nothing left to do but plop down into a comfortable chair and contemplate how to use the promise of a new year to improve our lot in life. Obviously some may interpret the word “improve” to mean increasing the influx of money and deceasing the outflux of work, or finding true love while simultaneously jettisoning a faded example of the same, or simply spending more time looking out for Number One. Such omphaloskepsis always leads to bold resolutions. Whether or not happiness follows is less certain (cf. Britney Spears). Thus comes this little advice columnist with his first decree (for my own betterment, of course – don’t take these personally).
Resolution No. 1: Quit selling my values at discount prices.
I hereby resolve that I will raise the offering price to those who wish to purchase my values:
I will not sell my intelligence to reality televsion shows just for a cheap frisson of schaudenfreude.
I will not sell my self-composure to obnoxious drivers in exchange for a moment of Up-Yours-Charlie pissy rage.
I will not sell my dignity to Hollywood in exchange for two hours of patronizing, idiotic hokum advertised as “entertainment”.
I will not sell my diligence to those sirens singing on deadly rocks, who urge all to draw near and hear their aria glorifying sloth and inadequacy.
I will not sell my tolerance for an amusement park ride with pretentious hipsters shouting out fashionable slogans of contempt.
We’ll see how this pledge holds up as the watershed year of 2008 develops. Until then I’m raising my prices, and don’t think you can con me into giving you a special one-time reduction. Up next: Resolution No. 2.