There are many ways to die in this dirty clayball of ours. Among the myriad possible ways, the most enticing way for a subcontinental is to have sex in a shady bush or a hut on the highway roadside. The highway is a wonderous thing in my beloved country. Births, marriages, deaths and most of all unprotected sex happen on or beside it. The highway is truly the sign of all that India is.
This short guide explains how to die on the highway without having to get hit by a vehicle. The guidance is widely applicable and may be of use in countries other than India. I make no warranties that it will work. Use at your own risk. By reading this sentence you make all your actions your own responsibility and do not hold me in any way responsible for your actions and consequences thereof. If you don’t agree, would you please fuck off to some place other than my beloved highway? Thank you.
The first step towards the goal of dying by AIDS is to make your way economically and socially to the roadside and secure a Spot. You can do this by becoming a truck driver, a hormonally overdosed male or a student looking for cheap thrill. If you are female, you can do this by virtue of being born in a poor family, marrying an idiot, or both or by being at the wrong place in the wrong time. There are literally thousands of resourceless ways to secure a Spot and I need to teach an Indian fish how to swim.
Securing a Spot
The spot you must secure could be a bathhouse, a roadside dhaba or a bush. Here’s how you go about finding a spot. The author of this guide is a male and hence it is somewhat one-sided. Additions to correct the gender imbalance are welcome. Now, back to the guide.
Travel light except for a mildly heavy wallet. Travel in the night on a highway. Choose a highway that has heavy truck(lorry) traffic. Once on the road and out of the city, look for flashlight signals on the roadside. Stop at the roadside and haul your humble horny self to the flashlight maiden. Alternately, you can stop on a busy dhaba. Dhabas that have toilet sign (heavily mushed man or a lady sign) and a condom sign alongside are particularly suitable. Fake a stupid grin at the dhaba and you’ll find help immediately. A kindered soul will approach you with a business proposal. Part with a few bucks and he’ll get you a Spot.
Once at inside the hut, bush or whichever spot you have secured, look for condoms. Grab them and throw them away. Using condoms is totally against what we have set out to acheive. If the person in the hut/bush with you insists on condom, tell them you’ll pay more. At this point, you should be aware that the person with you may be of either sex or neither. It doesn’t matter. Get on with what your instincts tell you. If your instincts tell you to run away, then ditch your instincts. You should go by your vision of Dying by AIDS. Death by AIDS doesn’t come easy. Sometimes the road may be thorny and your private parts may bleed. Do not give up.
“Death by AIDS” is a noble idea. The moment in the bush is when it starts germinating – quite literally inside you. You must nurture it carefully by not letting anyone know. That means you must continue to have sex with your wife and seek out more Spots for furthering your vision. Never go to a doctor who knows what he is doing. Due to the vagaries of time and the unpredictable nature of AIDS virus – the holy agent of our vision – your wife and children may die before you. Do not lose heart. It will all work out as planned. Consult an astrologer if needed. If the astrologer advises you to remarry, do so. Astrologers are the most knowlegeable people on the planet. Always listen to what they say. On your next visit to an astrologer, give him all your money.
It is glorious to see almost five million of our men and women making our vision of Death by AIDS their own – of their own volition or otherwise. Let us keep the momentum going. Finally, a word of caution. Don’t read this. Or this.