I’m speaking from experience, people, having had most of these lobbed at me one time or another. Please feel free to add to the list in the comments section.
1. “When is the baby due?”
I’m not pregnant, you douchebag. I’m fat. If I were pregnant, I’d probably be prancing around telling everyone and her goddamn sister about it because that’s what we do in our society. Or, if I were pregnant, and afraid I might lose the baby, maybe I wouldn’t want to talk about it. In any case, if I were pregnant, and you haven’t heard about it yet, wait for me to talk to you about it. Otherwise, STFU. Now move out of my way and let me at the food in the buffet line, because I am so going to need more chocolate after your insensitive remarks. Oh yeah, DON’T follow up with, “Oh…you looked pregnant…”
2. “Wow! You’ve lost so much weight! You look GREAT!”
Yes, you douchebag. I’ve lost weight because I’ve been SERIOUSLY ILL for the last year and unable to eat almost anything. But thanks. I appreciate your comments and sure, I’d be happy to share my miracle migraine diet with you. It goes like this: First, have a stroke. Next, start having debilitating migraines every two to three days. Lose your job. Become unable to eat anything containing peanuts, yoghurt, bananas, chocolate, and the least trace of onion or onion powder (including ketchup). Try every preventative medicine in the pharmacy, and experience a fascinating and alarming array of side effects. Keep this up for one to three years. You, too, will lose thirty pounds like magic! If that doesn’t work, try cancer.
3. “When are you/you two going to get pregnant?”
When Mr. Z and I lived in Kansas, we used to get harassed ALL THE TIME by the neighbors on our street about when were we gonna reproduce. I mean, it was vigilant social nagging to have babies. We were one of only two couples on the street without kids, and the only couple who had not expressed a desire to have kids. Finally, one day, when there were a bunch of us in a circle out on our front lawn hanging out, and the “you ought to have kids” crap started up again, I just said, “Did you ever think, when you tell people that they ought to have kids, that maybe some people don’t have kids because they can’t have kids?” They STFU and never bothered me again. Mr. Z and I never actively wanted to have kids, though if we had gotten pregnant we would not have been upset about it. I just can’t imagine how I would have felt with that incessant nagging if we had actually been trying and not able to conceive. I hope to hell those idiots will think twice before they start in on other women who have “failed” to pop out babies on a socially acceptable timetable but who knows how long the lesson lasted. DON’T BE THOSE PEOPLE!
4. “You are SO LUCKY to get to stay home all the time!”
Thanks, moron. I am sure you work your ass off at your job and would love to have a break. I feel your pain. So take a goddamned vacation already. But please – do not distance yourself from your fear of what happened to me by telling yourself that it was really a lucky break that I had a stroke and lost my job and “get” to stay home all the time. Seriously.
5. “Everything happens for a reason.”
In the same vein, please do not tell me that it was God’s mysterious will that I have a stroke and lose my job so that I would be available to provide care for my mother just at the time when she needs me. I am sure that is comforting to you and your world view but frankly, it makes me want to blow chunks on your shoes. Maybe God could have sent me a winning lottery ticket instead, so that I could just be independently wealthy and not need to work – and then I could take you out to dinner, too! I think that would have been a lot nicer and more thoughtful of God than sending me a stroke, but what do I know.
6. “So, was it the high blood pressure, or the high cholesterol?”
I can’t tell you how many times people I barely know have probed me for the moral failing that caused my stroke – even after I have told them that it was caused by a migraine. When I tell these nosy douchehounds that I had neither, they reward me with looks of disbelief. Surely I must have been a bad person in some way, to have earned such misfortune (despite it having been God’s will, see #5 above).
People – really – you have got to stop this kind of talk. Bad crap happens for no good reason. Peoples’ bodies are their own business. Repress the urge to comment on their appearance and what they are or are not doing with them. Stick to things like “hi, how are you doing?” and then actually listen to the answer. Please. For the sake of my sanity.
Thank you. That is all.