ZombiePal, thanks to Ataraxia Theatre
Scene: Harpo Studios, Chicago, IL, under heavy guard
Dramatis personae: Oprah Winfrey, talk show host; Jenny McCarthy, famous person; Erica Turner, un-dead North Sider
Oprah: Jenny, you have been such a maverick. It takes a brave person, one with great inner strength, to say things that are unpopular. How is that adorable boy of yours?
Jenny: Well, he’s just great! I have him on a new diet and it’s done wonders!
Oprah: That’s great! I need to ask you all about it, but first, what do you say to those folks out there who say such negative things about you? I mean, does it get you down?
Jenny: Of course not, Oprah!
Jenny: You know, Oprah, it’s all about money. The drug companies want us to be scared, they want us to depend on what they sell.
Oprah: And what is it they are selling? It seems to me they want to help us. I mean…
Jenny: That’s exactly it! They want us to think that, and when they give it away free like they are, that’s the most evil part. It gets us hooked!
Oprah (turning to face camera): We’re talking of course about Zombievax. This unprecedented collaboration between pharmaceutical companies and governments which the CDC says has slowed the current pandemic.
Jenny: The CDC! They are the worst! They’re the ones who invented this [air quotes] pandemic. These so-called zombies are just like you and me. It’s not an illness at all!
Oprah (turning to camera again): Folks, I don’t know how my producer Jill pulled this off. We have the former Mrs. Erica Turner, a native Chicagoan from the North Side…
Oprah: Erica is one of these so-called zombies, although I think it’s kinder to refer to them, in the words of my dear friend Deepak Chopra, “life-force challenged”, don’t you, Erica?
Erica: (Incoherent grunting)
Oprah: Now, Jenny, you were telling us how this isn’t really a disease, is that right? Cause (turning to Erica) no offense, Sister, but you ain’t lookin’ too good (turning to audience), right folks?
Oprah: I mean, I’m all into the natural look, but you put the stressed in distressed, girl! I mean, I can get on the phone in two seconds, or Jill can, and we can do a makeover, and do something about those teeth. Would you like that?
Erica: (Incoherent grunting)
Oprah: I’ll take that as a “yes”. What do you think, people? Should we make her over?
Jenny: And I think my diet could really help her too! And I brought a copy of it!
Jenny hands book to Erica. Erica latches on to Jenny’s hand and bites off her left index finger.
Jenny (giggling): Girlfriend, fingers are not on the diet. They just wreck the immune system! That’s why you have to read my book!
Oprah (turning to audience): I want each of you to look under your seat. See that? (points at various audience members) You get a book! And you get a book! And you get a book!
Jenny (shouting over applause, holding up her book): I know…(raising voice) I know you all think this is some horrible diet where you eat gluten-free bread and raw carrots. But this diet lets you eat stuff we all like!
Jenny (leaning toward Erica, but not too close): This diet will keep you healthy, and you won’t need any Big Pharma vaccines, vaccines that will kill you! And you only have to remember one thing. Do you know what that one thing is, Erica?
Erica (lumbering away from Jenny): BRAAINNSS!!!!!