White Coat Underground

The Great Zombie Hoax

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ZombiePal, thanks to Ataraxia Theatre

Scene: Harpo Studios, Chicago, IL, under heavy guard


Dramatis personae: Oprah Winfrey, talk show host; Jenny McCarthy, famous person; Erica Turner, un-dead North Sider


Oprah
: Jenny, you have been such a maverick. It takes a brave person, one with great inner strength, to say things that are unpopular. How is that adorable boy of yours?

Jenny: Well, he’s just great! I have him on a new diet and it’s done wonders!

Oprah: That’s great! I need to ask you all about it, but first, what do you say to those folks out there who say such negative things about you? I mean, does it get you down?

Jenny: Of course not, Oprah!

(applause)

Jenny: You know, Oprah, it’s all about money.  The drug companies want us to be scared, they want us to depend on what they sell.  

Oprah: And what is it they are selling?  It seems to me they want to help us.  I mean…

Jenny: That’s exactly it!  They want us to think that, and when they give it away free like they are, that’s the most evil part.  It gets us hooked!

Oprah (turning to face camera): We’re talking of course about Zombievax.  This unprecedented collaboration between pharmaceutical companies and governments which the CDC says has slowed the current pandemic.

Jenny: The CDC!  They are the worst!  They’re the ones who invented this [air quotes] pandemic.  These so-called zombies are just like you and me.  It’s not an illness at all! 

Oprah (turning to camera again): Folks, I don’t know how my producer Jill pulled this off.  We have the former Mrs. Erica Turner, a native Chicagoan from the North Side…

(applause)

Oprah: Erica is one of these so-called zombies, although I think it’s kinder to refer to them, in the words of my dear friend Deepak Chopra, “life-force challenged”, don’t you, Erica?

Erica: (Incoherent grunting)

(applause)

Oprah: Now, Jenny, you were telling us how this isn’t really a disease, is that right?  Cause (turning to Erica) no offense, Sister, but you ain’t lookin’ too good (turning to audience), right folks?

(applause)

Oprah: I mean, I’m all into the natural look, but you put the stressed in distressed, girl!  I mean, I can get on the phone in two seconds, or Jill can, and we can do a makeover, and do something about those teeth.  Would you like that?

Erica: (Incoherent grunting)

Oprah: I’ll take that as a “yes”.  What do you think, people?  Should we make her over?

(cheers)

Jenny: And I think my diet could really help her too! And I brought a copy of it! 

Jenny hands book to Erica. Erica latches on to Jenny’s hand and bites off her left index finger.

Jenny (giggling): Girlfriend, fingers are not on the diet. They just wreck the immune system!  That’s why you have to read my book!

Oprah (turning to audience): I want each of you to look under your seat.  See that?  (points at various audience members) You get a book!  And you get a book! And you get a book!

(thunderous applause)

Jenny (shouting over applause, holding up her book): I know…(raising voice)  I know you all think this is some horrible diet where you eat gluten-free bread and raw carrots.  But this diet lets you eat stuff we all like!

Jenny (leaning toward Erica, but not too close):  This diet will keep you healthy, and you won’t need any Big Pharma vaccines, vaccines that will kill you!  And you only have to remember one thing.  Do you know what that one thing is,  Erica?

Erica (lumbering away from Jenny): BRAAINNSS!!!!!



Comments

  1. #1 Romeo Vitelli
    July 1, 2010

    I can appreciate how safe Jenny would be during an epidemic of brain-munching zombies.

  2. #2 Arnold T Pants
    July 1, 2010

    I was going to leave a witty comment, but there’s no way I can top Romeo’s above.

  3. #3 https://me.yahoo.com/a/yoSsYDocyJxDNviwi5Tnc_kM6w--#50186
    July 1, 2010

    Wait, but Jenny McCarthy isn’t a zombie?

    Fiction is so weird.

  4. #4 Holytape
    July 1, 2010

    Jenny maybe safe during the first wave of zombies. But when zombies start going digital and switch from “braaaiiiins!” to “siiiillllliiiiccccoooonnnn!!”, she’ll been out of luck.

  5. #5 Mu
    July 1, 2010

    Sorry, only if the zombies can’t spell. Silicon, the stuff computer chips are made off, and silicone, the goop we seal windows with or modify body outlines, are not the same.

  6. #6 Rob Monkey
    July 1, 2010

    Man, Mu, you took a great chance to make a good joke about how much zombies love the headspace on hard drives or something, and instead come off as the Commenter Copy Editor. Thank you spelling zombie!

  7. #7 holytape
    July 1, 2010

    Zombies aren’t the best spellers in the world. How many zombies have ever won a spelling bee? None. I’ve checked. In the whole history of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, not a single zombie or even a child of a zombie has even qualified.

    And they aren’t good at chemistry either. Only one Noble Prize winner in chemistry was a zombie, and even then he was only a zombie on his mother’s side.

    I would like to say in my defense that silcone does contain silcon. So I think my joke still works.

    Jenny McCarthy, a dieting Zombie best friend.

  8. #8 Lotharloo
    July 1, 2010

    @Holytape

    She’ll be in trouble when they switch to “sili” too.

  9. #9 David N. Brown
    July 1, 2010

    An utterly shameless plug for my “book store”:
    http://evilpossum.weebly.com/store.html

    Featuring Walking Dead, Walking Dead 2 and Zombie Vegas!

    Also, I might steal this for a fan fiction site!

  10. #10 DLC
    July 2, 2010

    I thought it was fairly obvious that some zombie had already fed on Ms M.

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