World's Fair

Although there were some intra-family disputes about what belongs where, we did derive a basic candy hierachy, and I do think it is basically sound. This taxonomy is based on years of research and debate, on thorough testing and re-testing, on statistical comparison and quality measurement, on focus group testing, and on a series of FTIR scans that reveal various hydrocarbon peaks and whatnot.

In other words, this is sound science.

Here’s what we’ve found, with uncertainties acknowledged:

TOP TIER

(not suprisingly, exclusively chocolate-based)

Milly Way — Snickers — Peanut M&M’s — Regular M&Ms — Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Junior Mints — regular old Hershey Bars* — Twix

SECOND TIER

(also exclusively chocolate, after fending off a few intruders)

Kit-Kat* — Nestle Crunch — Almond Joy — Mounds — Tootsie Rolls* — Dark Chocolate Hershey Bars — Fair Trade Chocolate — Butterfinger

THIRD TIER
(also referred to as the chewy range or, in some circles, the Upper Chewy or Upper Devonian)

Milk Duds — Starburst — Jolly Ranchers (if a good flavor) — 100 Grand Bar

BOTTOM TIER

(the Lower Chewy and Gummy-Based, also the Middle Crunchy Tart Layer)

Dots — Lollipops — Nerds — Whoppers — Swedish Fish — Gummy Bears straight up — Licorice — Anything from Brach’s — Hard Candy — Bubble Gum — LemonHeads — LaffyTaffy — Including the Chiclets (but not the erasers) — Jolly Ranchers (if a bad flavor) — Black Jacks — Bottle Caps — Smarties

Tier so low it does not register on our equipment

Healthy Fruit — Pencils — Lapel Pins — Extra Strength Tylenol

*These indicate the intra-family disputes. For example, I would keep Kit-Kat where it is, while other unnamend members of the family demand that it be given Top Tier Classification. That same other unnamed member of the family would not put Tootsie Rolls as a top-tier get, though I would’ve. Shockingly, there was no unanimous decision on the placement of Candy Corn, which as of 2006 remains to be classified.

[NB: This got put in the Sb "Academia" Category because it's cutting edge academic research.]

Comments

  1. #1 sam
    November 1, 2006

    Beyond pointing out that Jolly Ranchers are in no way chewy, unless they’ve changed since I last had one stuck to my molars, I won’t argue with your hierarchy.

    My question is more curiosity concerning your category title to wonder what Knoxville’s day in the sun circa 1982 has to do with any of this. I was a mere ten year old growing up in Atlanta at the time and had no idea of my future in Knoxville, but I’m now fairly aware of that golden year.

  2. #2 Sandra Porter
    November 1, 2006

    Swedish fish in the bottom tier! No way! Clearly, these candy hierarchies are family specific.

  3. #3 BRC
    November 1, 2006

    Ah Sam, poor Sam. As with all taxonomies there are anomalies. Alas, Jolly Ranchers are this scheme’s anomaly, and you were right to identify it as such. At the next council meeting, it shall be debated again. As for Knoxville, the emphasis is on its heading for the place where miscellany thrive. And a post such as this, depsite it’s hard-hitting data, can be none other than miscellaneous.

    Sandra, Swedish Fish anywhere elss? Pshaw. The evidence is overwhelming agains them. I stand firm.

  4. #4 Turcano
    November 1, 2006

    How can you not have Smarties on the hierarchy? Those are clearly an index candy for the Middle Crunchy Tart Layer.

  5. #5 BRC
    November 1, 2006

    valid point. duly noted. it has been added.

  6. #6 Maywa
    November 1, 2006

    I would add Mary Janes and Good N’ Plenty the bottom tier. And to the how dare they call this candy category I nominate those anonymous brown globs that come in black and orange wrappers.

  7. #7 raindogzilla
    November 1, 2006

    I thought Mary Janes were “those anonymous brown globs that come in black and orange wrappers”. And I kind of like them.

  8. #8 kate
    November 2, 2006

    . . . up until this year i would have agreed with you, but this year was all about the sweetarts which were toptier all the way . . . followed only in majesty by nerds, chased along by runts . . . who knows the workings of the longing that lives inside a human being? all i know is that i have a terrible tummy ache . . . :)

  9. #9 Jason I.
    November 2, 2006

    This is a well-organized and ranked list. Due to personal preference, I would do a bit of rearranging, but that’s probably true of most people. Some surprsing absences: Butterfinger (a top-tier for me), 3 Musketeers (second tier at best), and PayDay (top tier, despite it’s lack of chocolate). I also agree with Sandra on the ranking of Swedish Fish. For some reason, these appeal to me greatly.

  10. #10 G Barnett
    November 2, 2006

    No placement for those odd marshmallow circus peanut…. thngs? Or are they considered an abomination too evil to distribute to the young nowadays?

  11. #11 fireweaver
    November 2, 2006

    *most definitely* a family-specific list. how on earth could kit-kat be anything but top tier amongst candies one has actual liklihood of getting while trick-or-treating? 2nd tier, pshaw! only when we’re counting supreme top-tier things like godiva chocolates and those delicious sandy-textured carmel praline things from mexico, that you *don’t* get door-to-door.

  12. #12 Sandy
    November 2, 2006

    My God, man, where are the Butterfingers? Your entire experiment may be come unbalanced!! Quickly splice some in before all Hell breaks loose!

  13. #13 k
    November 2, 2006

    whoppers should be top tier or second at worst. the whoppers that never properly whopped and are chewy, however, should always be a top tier item.

  14. #14 AJS
    November 3, 2006

    Surely Tylenol Extra Strength belongs in the top tier!

    Or maybe I have just had a mis-spent youth …..

  15. #15 Jessica
    November 3, 2006

    Every year we’ve given away chocolate (Peanut Butter Cups and Twix, mostly) and one of the “bottom tier” candies — Nerds, sour Skittles, Gummi Bears, or Swedish Fish. Every year, the trick-or-treaters pounced on the non-chocolate, and it vanished right away.

  16. #16 BRC
    November 3, 2006

    Butterfinger added, Sandy. There was some dispute, I can tell you, in the lab. But the FTIR scan (coupled with the randomness of childhood interpretation) leaves it in the Second Tier.

    As for the others, we rechecked the data and it’s sound. Sorry. Can’t argue with data.

  17. #17 A different Sandra
    November 3, 2006

    What about rockets? Don’t you have rockets in America? I bought a three pound bag but was careful to save at least a pound for me.

  18. #18 Sandra Porter
    November 3, 2006

    You’re right, Ben. You can’t argue with data. I posted the data from the trick or treater in our household here.

  19. #19 Bumerry
    November 4, 2006

    Bravo! I see that our hierarchies are similar. I would put smarties in the bottom tier, but reasonable people can disagree.

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    April 18, 2013

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