World's Fair

Apple, Inc. joke week continues here during an all star World’s-Fair-Scheduled-Posts-While-We’re-Away Link Week. This one was originally published here, back in 2005, and remains one of my favorites of technology satire. (Oh, you have one too? What’s yours? Is it Vonnegut’s Player Piano? Cat’s Cradle? No? I’m not even close? It isn’t Vonnegut at all? Then what’s your point, hombre? What the hell’s your point?)

Your sample:

Q: I hate having to recharge my iPod Zepto every 12 minutes. Is there any way to extend the battery life?
A: Yes, if you keep your iPod Zepto’s power button in the off position, the battery will last significantly longer.

The rest in full below the fold.


“The iPod Zepto: Inconceivably Small,” by Jon Fitch

Congratulations on purchasing your new iPod Zepto.

Capable of holding 12 million songs and only one-tenth the size of the head of a needle, the iPod Zepto is a revolution in sound. Once filled with music, the iPod Zepto will play for over 68 years without playing the same song twice.

Enclosed with your iPod Zepto are a USB 4.0 cable, an iTunes 12.1 starter disk, earphones, and a high-magnification lens. (An optional follicle-mounting strap is available.)

Getting started

Insert the iTunes starter disk into your computer and then connect the iPod Zepto using the USB 4.0 cable. The iPod Zepto will automatically synchronize your music, create genre-specific playlists, identify songs of interest similar to your current favorites, create a Myers-Briggs personality profile based on your musical tastes, and write your New Year’s resolutions.

Charging the battery

For best results, the first time you use your iPod Zepto, let it charge for three hours or until the battery icon shows that it’s completely charged. Once charged, the battery–an amazing 9 microns in length–will last for a full 12 minutes.

Troubleshooting

Q: The iPod Zepto box was empty.
A: It’s not empty. Look closely at the period-sized dot in the middle of the box. Now, find the red rectangular square in the center of the dot. This is the outer packaging of your iPod Zepto. In a sterile, wind-free environment, carefully open the outer packaging and remove the clear-plastic inner wrapping. Finally, using the enclosed high-magnification lens, unwrap the plastic and look for a white case. Inside the white case is your iPod Zepto.

Q: My iPod Zepto stopped playing and now it keeps eating flakes of dead skin that have settled on my furniture.
A: That’s a dust mite. Unplug the headphones from wherever you’ve inserted them in the mite and try to locate your iPod Zepto.

Q: The engraving on the back of the iPod Zepto I ordered was supposed to say “We love you, Cody,” but instead it says “We love Cod!”
A: Due to the incredibly small size of the iPod Zepto, personalized engravings had to be condensed. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Q: Sometimes I’m thinking about a song and then my iPod Zepto plays it. Is the iPod Zepto telepathic?
A: Ha ha. No, although with the iPod Zepto’s new IntellectShuffle feature, sometimes it may seem that way. IntellectShuffle incorporates data from your PDA, cell phone, credit-card statements, browser history, medical records, and school transcripts, along with an intensive background check, to help choose the “random” playlist sequence.

Q: Every time I sneeze I hear the Beastie Boys’ “Sure Shot.”
A: You’ve inhaled your iPod Zepto. Consult a qualified otolaryngologist.

Q: My iPod Zepto has turned evil and is holding my family hostage.
A: A patch to the IntellectShuffle feature will address the evil-Zepto issue. The main things to remember in the meantime are: (1) don’t talk in a condescending tone to your evil iPod Zepto, (2) don’t meet any of your evil iPod Zepto’s demands, and (3) don’t, under any circumstances, urinate.

Q: I’m having difficulty synchronizing my iPod Zepto with my iPacemaker.
A: Connect the iPod Zepto with the USB 4.0 cable and hit the reset button. The iPod Zepto and iPacemaker should automatically synch. You should now be able to activate the Beats Per Minute feature, thereby synchronizing your pulse to your playlist selection.

Q: It will take seven hours until the evil iPod Zepto patch downloads. WHAT’S THE FREAKING DEAL ABOUT URINATING?
A: While we can’t elaborate, we can tell you that an evil iPod Zepto sometimes mimics the Amazonian candirú fish.

Q: I hate having to recharge my iPod Zepto every 12 minutes. Is there any way to extend the battery life?
A: Yes, if you keep your iPod Zepto’s power button in the off position, the battery will last significantly longer.

Q: The engraving on the back of my iPod Zepto was supposed to say “Happy birthday, Mary,” but instead it says “We love Cod!”
A: Well, who doesn’t love cod?

What’s next?

Look for the iPod Yocto–the world’s first subatomic media player–coming soon.

Comments

  1. #1 Kevin C.
    July 22, 2008

    Don’t forget the eventual iPod Planck!

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