World's Fair

…According to Ex-Marine Brad Collum.

And Kevin Fleming, his apparent interlocutor, as originally published here.

You thought we couldn’t pull off three Apple product satires in a row? Not to mention the Dick Cheney one we didn’t like as much so we didn’t include in this reprint series. But it is timed-posts week after all, so there you are. Don’t miss the iPod Zepto and iPod User’s Guide, oh inconsistent reader. Then and only then check below the fold for a reprint from the iPod-as-a-deadly-weapon genre of literature.



“Eight Ways to Kill Someone By Using an iPod Nano According to Ex-Marine Brad Collum,” by Kevin Fleming

1. Break it in half with your hands (very easy to do) and use the glass viewing screen’s broken edge as a razorblade to slice the jugular when they are looking the other way.

2. Take off one sock (a dress or tube sock; pantyhose will work in a pinch), place the Nano in the sock, swing it around as fast as you can (being careful to not hit yourself), and whack the intended target right on the temple.

3. Take the reflective shiny part and catch the sun’s ray and shine it in a vehicle driver’s eyes, or if you are at a rock concert and the lead singer is prancing around on a center stage that protrudes into the audience like a phallus, you can use the same technique.

4. The cord on the earbud headphones can be used to strangle someone. A knee in the back can give extra leverage.

5. Dig a pit about 5 feet deep, then take about 15 3-foot-long stakes 2 inches in diameter and sharpen one end to a fine point, like a very sharp pencil. Jam the sticks at least a foot into the ground, with the sharp ends pointing up. Cover the hole with pine boughs, grass, and leaves. Treat the Nano like a slice of cheese pizza in a deep, hot oven and place it gently in the middle.

6. Carefully unstaple a tea bag and pour the contents on a plate. Break into the lithium-ion battery pack and saturate the tea with the battery’s poison, then dry the tea in the sun (or with a hair dryer if you are in a hurry). Put tea back in tea bag and bend the staple back to its original position. Put the tea bag back where you got it.

7. Download to the Nano “We’ve Only Just Begun” by the Carpenters. Tell someone you will give him or her your Nano if they listen to that song a hundred times in a row.

8. Hide the Nano in a bowl of lutefisk, then take it to the annual Norsefest Lutefisk Eating Competition in Madison, Minnesota.

Comments

  1. #1 HP
    July 24, 2008

    It seems to me that you could probably replace the tiny speakers in the ear buds with the flash capacitors from disposable cameras.

    Hand the Nano to your intended victim, and say, “Listen to this cool electronic sound effect I made in Garage Band. It’s all cued up. Just press this.” They’ll think that the sound of the capacitors charging is your cool sound effect, until they discharge all that voltage at once, directly into both hemispheres of the brain.

  2. #2 tincture
    July 25, 2008

    Re #2, A Nano weighs 49grams. You’d have to spin it pretty damn fast or use a very heavy sock.

  3. #3 lucasman11
    January 10, 2011

    I love nanas… oh i ment nanos so stop making fun of them or ill get my clan on to you and there going to rape you in TDM which isn’t very nice btw… and then ill get my DMR and shove it up your moms ass so far she won’t know the difference between an elite or spartan

    so beware!

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