World's Fair


i-b1adef4575840e51aac12aa7569eab21-ruminant.png


Sciencescout twitter feed

One of my past attempts at humour writing, entitled “An Intelligent Designer on the Cow” and reprinted here for your enjoyment.

- – -

AN INTELLIGENT DESIGNER ON THE COW

Today, I feel like doing a plant – no, an animal. Yes, today, I am going to make an animal. And it will be a masterpiece. I shall call it the…. No wait! Maybe I should think of the name later. Yes, you should always name your pieces after you have completed them. Better that way.

OK then. An animal it is. More specifically, a vertebrate. Large body, four legs, one tail, one head, usual stuff on the head – i.e., let’s just follow the standard animalia rubric. Nothing exciting there. Not yet anyway. So let’s give it an armored tail, with poisonous tendrils and a stink that can kill. Oooh, I like that – but maybe it’s too much. Why such a fancy tail? Maybe the tendrils can come out of its nostrils (note to self: Have I designed nostrils yet?). And the stink can come from the body itself.

But it doesn’t quite feel right. Feels forced. No matter, I suppose I can simply start over. Besides, I did the poisonous tendrils last week. But keep the stink? Yes, let’s keep that.

I know. How about we give it three, no eleven, no four stomachs! Four stomachs! For the efficient eating, of the grass. I am truly inspired! Don’t stop there. How’s this? This animal should urinate milk. From its groin, no less. From little appendages which I will humbly call teats that collectively, communally, reside on a mound of tissue I will call a brother.

Now I am on a roll. Milk will flow from the teats of this animal’s brother.

No wait, I cannot call it a brother. This animal has no lips – don’t want it to have lips – too common a thing for a masterpiece. Seen that, done that, yesterday’s news. But you can’t say the word “brother” without lips. Poor animal, that would be cruel. Instead, let’s call it an udder. Yes, an udder – that’s much better.

Now, of course, I need to work in a clown somehow. I love clowns. In truth, clowns are my all-time favorite design. How will I do this? Perhaps give the animal a raucous and overt sense of humor? Make it wear funny shoes? Make it scare the shit out of young children? No, not subtle enough – I want this animal to be so much deeper than that.

What if, and I’m just saying things as they come to me, this animal-can-be-ground-and-shaped-into-a-meat-patty- which-can-be-mass-produced-and-fried-on-heating-elements, and-then-sold-by-a-corporate-entity-bent-on-feeding-the-obesity-line-to-young-children -by-using-as-their-public-representation-and-symbol, a-clown, whom-we-shall-call-Jesus (no-wait,-let’s-save-that-one-for-later), whom-we-shall-call-Ronald-McDonald, and-these-meat-patties, which-will-be-inexplicably-and-mysteriously-called-hamburgers -after-a-completely-different-animal-I-haven’t-created-yet, will-also-be-considered-sacrilegious-by-fully-one-sixth-of-the-world’s-population, and-oh-oh-why-is-it-that-the-numbers-0157-cry-out-to-me? because-OH-MY-GOODNESS-I-can’t-believe-it, but-this-stuff-is-just-so-brilliant!

Take a breath. WHheeeew-hooooooo. Calm down. That’s pretty good. But maybe just think about some of the simple things now. Like color. Yes, color is good. And easy – let’s go with the rustic look, plus spots. Et voilà. We have finished yet another creation, which for some reason, I feel inclined to call a cow. Hold on, one last thing. It shall go “moo” when it speaks.

Yes, that’s a nice touch, even if I do say so myself. People are sure to talk about that one, maybe even create a song or two.

Comments

  1. #1 Rin
    April 4, 2009
  2. #2 Defender
    April 4, 2009

    Evolution is a joke. It’s a lame attempt to de-Christianize America. Shame on you

  3. #3 p3ngwin
    April 5, 2009

    and since when was America SUPPOSED to be Christian?

    you do realise that the America you refer to was conquered and populated by Chistians?

    the Indians that lived peacefully there BEFORE you had no imagination about a Christian God, and they still don’t care for it.

    you imagine your America is millennia old and has always been a Christian land do you? remember that your America is only a few centuries old as you know it and that is a tiny amount of time for this planet in this universe.

    it was a shame the way your America was Christian-ized. perhaps it would be the good thing to return it to the people who it was raped from.

  4. #4 In Agreement
    Alabama
    January 11, 2013

    I second this idea. I believe that while there possibly (doubtfully) could be a “God” or any other superior deity, it should not be ingested into the minds of children in schools of any kind. (There shouldn’t be schools based on an individual religion.) Children should be “instructed” by their parent(s) or guardian(s) on which religion to chose. (By “instructed”, I mean being told what is traditional, but given the opportunity, better yet advisement, to chose otherwise, unless of course under a extreme Christian, Jewish, Catholic, or any other religion.) Point: Choice. The choice of religion, anti-religion, or none at all.