(Well, actually 6 since the first ad below is just a bit of fun...)
JOB POSTING: "IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME"
This is a call for outstanding candidates to apply for a tenure track assistant professor position within the context of the Michael Smith Laboratories at the University of British Columbia. The successful applicant is expected to work in areas of interest to current faculty members, to interact with related groups within our network and to have demonstrated ability in producing research material of excellent quality and interest.
Due to the competitive nature of this process, we ask that all candidates at the very least meet the following criteria:
The candidate's current area of specialty must contain at least fourteen syllables.
The candidate's expertise must speak naturally to collaborations with the disciplines of science history, Jungian philosophy, international peacekeeping, French Canadian politics, molecular genetics, early 80s pop music criticism, and West African cuisine.
The candidate must be able to "flex arm hang" for a minimum of twelve minutes.
The candidate must exhibit no more than two degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon.
The candidate must be able to rub their tummy and pat their head at the same time.
The candidate must be, in no uncertain terms, hot.
In addition, short listed candidates will be subjected to a rigorous interview process that will likely involve puppetry, ultimate fighting, and some interpretative dance techniques. This, of course, might be televised nationally on CBS, so it is advisable that all applicants prepare in advance for these skill sets.
The successful applicant will covet a salary that will commensurate with experience and research record, but realistically is dependant on an obligation to play as the principle string in the University's Chinese Orchestra during the first three years of his/her track.
We will also endeavor to provide the applicant with reasonable research space, and note that we have one of the country's best supply of camping gear, should this be an issue. We do however ask that successful candidates will themselves provide start up funds to the sum of $1000, which must be used within 48 hours. During that period, you will, of course, be wearing brightly covered overalls and have access to a skilled carpenter who will almost certainly be just as hot as you.
The University of British Columbia is one of the leaders in North America with strong connections with many well regarded institutes, and we look forward to continuing this tradition with this placement. We hire on the basis of merit and are committed to employment equity. We encourage all qualified persons to apply; however citizens and permanent residents will be given priority. No losers please.
(...and now the real ones)
(Job posting link | pdf)
The Michael Smith Laboratories (MSL) and the Centre for High-throughput Biology (CHiBi) at the University of British Columbia are jointly launching a major recruiting initiative and invite applications for six new faculty positions. These full-time tenure-track positions will be filled primarily at the Assistant Professor level but exceptional candidates at a higher rank may be considered. The six new faculty will be located in exceptional research space at the centre of campus within a highly interdisciplinary and collaborative environment that includes biological and physical scientists and engineers, as well as proteomics and bioinformatics experts.
TWO TENURE TRACK ASSISTANT PROFESSOR POSITIONS IN CHEMICAL, MOLECULAR AND SYSTEMS BIOLOGY, AND BIOENGINEERING
Approaches using molecular genetics, chemical, computational or molecular biology or bioengineering to probe animals, plants and unicellular organisms, and models of disease therein, will be considered.
TWO TENURE TRACK ASSISTANT PROFESSOR POSITIONS IN METABOLIC ENGINEERING AND SYNTHETIC BIOLOGY
All facets of metabolic engineering and synthetic biology, from technology development and computational approaches to innovative applications, will be considered. Applicants with an interest in bioenergy and biorefining are particularly encouraged to apply.
TWO TENURE TRACK ASSISTANT PROFESSOR POSITIONS IN COMPUTATIONAL TOOLS AND TECHNOLOGY DEVELOPMENT
The development of innovative technologies, devices, computational approaches or chemical and biophysical techniques is welcomed, with particular emphasis on genome-wide and high-throughput approaches.
Successful applicants for these positions must have a Ph.D., will have demonstrated outstanding research strength and creativity, have several years of productive experience, will be expected to contribute to high quality undergraduate/graduate teaching and to effectively supervise graduate students, and be prepared to integrate their expertise with innovative researchers at the University. Academic appointments could be within or between departments in the Faculties of Applied Science, Forestry, Medicine and/or Science, evidence of teaching effectiveness would be an asset.
The Michael Smith Laboratories and the Centre for High-throughput Biology comprise a diverse group of 22 research and teaching faculty and over 150 graduate students, post-doctoral fellows and research associates. Research strengths include medical and animal molecular genetics/biology, plant and forest molecular genetics/biology, bioprocess engineering, chemical biology, proteomics, micro-fluidics bioinformatics and statistical genomics. Importantly the group is also providing leadership for the Bio-energy and Refining Innovation (BERI) network as part of a university-wide initiative in sustainability. Applicants are strongly encouraged to visit http://www.michaelsmith.ubc.ca/ and http://www.chibi.ubc.ca/ to learn more about the unique technological and research opportunities available to new faculty members. Substantial start-up funds and exceptional mentoring will be provided.
UBC with over 12,000 faculty and staff plus 8,000 graduate students, has deep research strength across the Applied Sciences, the Life Sciences, the Physical Sciences and Computation, and has formal associations with research hospitals, the British Columbia Cancer Agency, Genome British Columbia, the Genome Sciences Centre, the Centre for Drug Research and Development and the Institute for Systems Biology in Seattle. Researchers thus enjoy numerous opportunities for stimulating and productive collaborations. Opportunities exist to attract substantial research funding from government (e.g. Canadian Institutes for Health Research, Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, Canadian Foundation for Innovation), foundations (e.g. Michael Smith Foundation, Genome Canada) and industry.
Applications should include a letter of application indicating the appropriate competition number, a detailed curriculum vitae, a list of publications, a statement of research and teaching interests, and the name, address, e-mail address and phone number of at least three referees. All positions are subject to final budgetary approval. The closing date for all applications is September 14, 2010.
UBC hires on the basis of merit and is committed to employment equity. All qualified persons are encouraged to apply. UBC is strongly committed to diversity within its community and especially welcomes applications from visible minority group members, women, Aboriginal persons, persons with disabilities, persons of any sexual orientation or gender identity, and others who may contribute to the further diversification of ideas. Canadians and permanent residents of Canada will be given priority.
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Comments
Wow! Who could resist an advertisement like that? I'll help spread the word. :-)
Posted by: Sandra Porter | June 23, 2010 1:59 PM
Thanks Sandra! Much appreciated.
Posted by: David Ng | June 23, 2010 2:56 PM
well, it's a good thing i am a stupid, ugly hag with a PhD, otherwise, i'd probably be hired since i fulfill all these other crapass suck-your-dick job requirements.
Posted by: "GrrlScientist" | June 23, 2010 4:52 PM
Undegrad here; how about the follow dealio: I jack the small blue whale carcass from my place of work, and you trade me one of those cool TT positions in return? The whale's been wonderful at the flex arm hang for a few months already, and hasn't crushed anyone yet. Should pass the French-Canadian req as well, being from PEI and all, if Acadian counts. I hear it's also quite experienced in Chinese Orchestra, as it can ALMOST see the Asian Studies centre from its glass cage...
Posted by: Psi Wavefunction | June 24, 2010 12:21 AM
Undegrad here; how about the follow dealio: I jack the small blue whale carcass from my place of work, and you trade me one of those cool TT positions in return? The whale's been wonderful at the flex arm hang for a few months already, and hasn't crushed anyone yet. Should pass the French-Canadian req as well, being from PEI and all, if Acadian counts. I hear it's also quite experienced in Chinese Orchestra, as it can ALMOST see the Asian Studies centre from its glass cage...
qood.
Posted by: sohbet bu | November 8, 2010 7:15 AM