New Delhi Under Attack (by Monkeys)

India’s bustling capital has been a little more bustling of late with a veritable invasion of rude, sometimes dangerous monkeys. As the forests outlying the city have been destroyed, more and more rhesus macaque monkeys have made their way into the urban areas. In some cases they have literally overrun government buildings and are known for biting and stealing food from people passing by.

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“I will totally F&*# you up”…he seems to say.

In two recent examples of the mayhem, a monkey went on a rampage in Dehli yesterday severely injuring 25 people including babies and children. While the exact cause of the monkey’s behavior was not known, witnesses told reporters that…

…the monkey had recently lost his job at DEFEN-S, a military contracting company outside the capital, and claimed to be on his ” way home to see [his] daughter.”

In another incident that could be seen as slightly funny if you have a cold, black heart, the Deputy Mayor of New Delhi was killed in late October after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys. In attempting to fight them off, SS Bajwa fell from his first story window and died of his injuries.

To make matters even worse, monkeys are considered holy by Hindus, so not only do people not approve of exterminating them, but the people actually offer them treats in the city squares and parks on a regular basis. Luckily, the Indian Government has developed a sure-fire way of combating the infestation that does not violate the Hindu religion; they are training groups of larger, much more “ferocious” monkeys called langurs to attack and chase off the packs of rhesus monkeys.

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Langurs are so ferocious, this is what it looks like when they’re in LOVE.

What to do when the langurs get out of control? They haven’t planned that far in advance, but it will “most definitely involve wolves or bears or some kind of combination of the two”, according to a high-ranking Indian official who wished to remain anonymous.


  1. #1 Ed
    November 13, 2007

    “they are training groups of larger, much more “ferocious” monkeys called langurs to attack and chase off the packs of rhesus monkeys.”

    This is the worst plan in the history of plans. Surely they should just train packs of ferocious neuroscientists armed with electrodes?

  2. #2 Zachary Tong
    November 13, 2007

    What are they going to do when the two opposing monkey forces begin escalating the engagement? First thrown rocks and sticks, then small arms fire. Nuclear engagement is just over the horizon.

    First primate war in history.

    I’m going to get my popcorn.

  3. #3 Jason
    November 13, 2007

    > First primate war in history.

    Er… not exactly, considering we are in fact primates. but the sentiment is appreciated 😉

  4. #4 Michele
    November 13, 2007

    Perhaps Paris Hilton can take up this challenge as well as the drunken elephants. Since she is in India, she might as well “help” the marauding monkey problem too.

  5. #5 Jenbug
    November 14, 2007

    How could Paris hope to help mediate a monkey war? Her own accessory monkey peed on her head in public!

    I say they skip the wimpy langurs and bring in rabid Mandrills. It’s the only way to be sure.

  6. #6 Andrew
    November 14, 2007

    > It’s the only way to be sure.

    Love it.

    I say we let the langurs nuke the entire site from orbit.

  7. #7 Ed Yong
    November 14, 2007

    “I say we let the langurs nuke the entire site from orbit.”

    This path can only lead to radioactive zombie macaques. The only true solution is Ron Perlman

  8. #8 evden eve naklyat evimtas
    October 24, 2010

    the wandering parasite on a foot is a bit misleading. If it really was a hookworm, wouldn’t it find it’s way to where it wanted to be?

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