Japan is a country pretty much known for only one thing: being mean to whales. They eat whales for taste and curiousity and conduct “experiments” on whales for “Mengele street cred.” But now, they have finally taken their twisted torture too far. The Daily Mail, Britain’s most trusted source for news, reported today that a Japanese aquarium has PUT SANTA CLAUS HATS on two beluga whales who are being held hostage there, an act which has brought “laughter and cheers” from the aquarium’s visitors. Just hold a moment and let that last part sink in…Yup, you heard me correctly. It would appear that the Japanese have heard of Christmas!
Merii Kurisumasu! Now get these hats off us before we bite your f**king arms off.
Visitors to Hakkeijima Sea Paradise on Yokohama Island have been “thrilled” to see the festive belugas. Reports the Daily Mail, the aquarium is even…
…offering its visitors “a chance to receive a wet kiss under the mistletoe from a yuletide beluga.” I just threw up in my mouth. (Not that I wouldn’t jump at the chance to “french out” with a beluga, who wouldn’t? I threw up because I’m outraged!)
Moments after this photo was taken, the effeminate gentleman in the Santa suit stabbed the beluga in the eye with a pencil to “measure the extremely scientific results.”
Officials at the aquarium have recently unveiled plans for a Valentine’s Day, Bottle Nosed Love Motel, where for the right price visitors can “spend up to one hour with a dolphin in a private heart shaped hot tub, acting out their wildest fantasies.” Ok, I’ll admit it. The idea of one night, one hot tub, and just me and a dolphin with no strings attached is alluring to me, so what? Don’t you get it!? I don’t go around murdering whales all over the place!