Zooillogix

First Guy Fawkes, then the IRA, then Al Qaeda. Now England is facing a new threat from within…slugs. The mild, wet winter in England has created the perfect conditions for slug overpopulation and the destruction of British gardens. The Daily Mail (England’s most trusted, oldest, and least sensational periodical) is doing its civic duty by calmly informing the population, GARDENERS WARNED SLUG EPIDEMIC THIS SUMMER WILL BE THE ‘STUFF OF NIGHTMARES’.

i-b1672498895896c2f4ffdcfb93c72bad-Slugs.jpg
Slug 1: You be ready and do exactly as I say. On my signal, ride
round behind our position and flank them.
Slug 2: We must not divide our forces.
Slug 1: Do it, and let the English see you do it.

British sluggologists are predicting that there could be as many as 200 slugs per cubic meter of soil in the British countryside. That’s enough slugs to skeletalize a 170 pound man in under 20 minutes!

The English are facing the slug threat with their characteristic stiff upper lips. Some are even looking to utilize the slug surfeit with such “splendid” culinary inventions as slug Wellington, bangers and slug and slugshire pudding.

Comments

  1. #1 Myles
    June 18, 2008

    ‘bangers and slug’? Having eaten those fat, white, slimy sausages a few too many times, I was sure they were already made of slugs!

  2. #2 themadlolscientist
    June 18, 2008

    That’s enough slugs to skeletalize a 170 pound man in under 20 minutes!

    You sadist! I’m going to be carrying that mental image around for days! On second thought, maybe I’ll write it up as a story idea and send it to the producers of Bones.

  3. #3 Eric
    June 18, 2008

    Wow! That’s a lot of slugz…maybe the movies are right after all!

  4. #4 Karen
    June 18, 2008

    But don’t the British have the perfect slug poison, aka beer? I occasionally put a pan out in my garden overnight, and have dead slugs come morning. (I assume they drowned happily, but I’m not gonna worry about it.)

  5. #5 Bob Dowling
    June 19, 2008

    I occasionally put a pan [of beer] out in my garden overnight, and have dead slugs come morning.

    At 200 slugs per metre cubed we’re going to need a lot of beer. I’m not saying that’s a problem, mind.

  6. #6 milkshake
    June 19, 2008

    You take the drowned slugs out when you drink your beer; the beer is served warm and flat in UK so a slug (or two) could hardly make a difference.

    Actually what can really kill slugs in instaint is caffeine – they are very sensitive to it, go to convulsion and die. So you can douse your slugs with Tetley instead of Tetley’s

  7. #7 Pat
    June 19, 2008

    This story reminds me of one of my favorite Far Side cartoons. A youngster is inside looking out at the garden and bird bath saying “The slugs are back! The slugs are back!”

  8. #8 Leesy
    June 20, 2008

    “That’s enough slugs to skeletalize a 170 pound man in under 20 minutes!”
    Didn’t we establish a while ago that cows are the unit of measurement for skeletonization by vicious (or in this case viscous) creatures like piranha or T. rex?

  9. #9 Myles
    June 20, 2008

    so, the average cow weight is 1400 lbs, according to the highly reliable cow tipping website that google turned up, which means we can say

    ‘that’s enough slugs to skeletalize a fullgrown cow in under 7 hours!’

    hm… stick with the man.

  10. #10 Antalya Gezi Sitesi
    April 27, 2009

    That does not look beautiful enough; however the information was given perfectly and the photo was taken well.
    good job ;)

  11. #11 Clare Spark
    June 16, 2010

    Starting in April, I go out with my tweezers after 10pm and pick them up. At first it seems daunting, but manual removal of slugs and snails is effective, and can, for the psychologically disposed, fun. I put them in empty yogurt cartons with salt on the bottom. Sluggo is only partly effective, and the local crows eat the ferrous sulphate with relish.

  12. #12 Tobie Bufton
    July 2, 2012

    It d be wonderful to have a commented selection.

  13. #13 Lesch
    July 5, 2012

    You should take part in a contest for one of the best blogs on the web. I will recommend this site!

  14. #14 Earth's New Beginning
    July 5, 2012

    Mike, I just tried to use a self-signed cert for just a custom tab, nonetheless, it seems it’s not working. Planning to purchase one now, and hope it does.

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