When my baby nurses from his mom, he can see her face and bond with her because he was designed to do so by god. Like how a banana is designed by god to fit comfortably in the hand for eating, or maybe just carrying around.

What am I talking about?

(A timely repost)

Imagine the following two alternative scenarios.

Alternative Universe One

The Scene: Visiting Nurses Inc. VNI contracts with health care providers to send trained visiting nurses around to check in on newly minted babies and their parents. This is standard procedure in many health care plans, and of course, VNI wants to develop and maintain an excellent reputation and to follow all the state laws, regulations and guidelines. So they have a training meeting every other Monday morning.

Teh Boss is about to speak to a group of a dozen nurses. Nurse 1 and Nurse 2 are sitting together in the back of the room making the occasional remark to each other as Teh Boss speaks.

Teh Boss: OK, Nurses, this week we are going to add a new element to our dialog training, wherein we examine ways to improve our interaction with patients, to see to their individual needs and cultural norms.

Nurse 1 (to Nurse 2): Cultural norms. We sure need a lot of that these days with all the immigrants.

Nurse 2 (to Nurse 1): Yeah, especially the Hmong. Did you read that book about falling down?

Nurse 1 (to Nurse 2): Yeah, you gave that to me, It’s interesting. I haven’t read it yet.

Teh Boss: Quiet in the back please? Thank you. So, we are going to implement just one new idea today. In our recorded practice sessions, several of you used specific cultural references that might have been appropriate in some contexts but not in others, and so we’d better avoid them altogether. Specifically, some nurses, as part of their day to day speech, mention Jesus Christ or some related Christian Individual such as Mother Mary or Saint Zeno of Verona, the Patron Saint of Babies.

Nurse 1 (to Nurse 2): I saw this coming. Nurse Mary Alouisious is always going on about this or that patron saint. She used to be a nun, you know.

Nurse 2 (to Nurse 1): Yeah. I heard she got into a little baby-related trouble and had to leave the order!

Nurse 1 (to Nurse 2): Well, you didn’t hear that from me, tha’ts all.

Nurse 2 (to Nurse 1): Actually, now that you mention it, I think I did.

Teh Boss: Ladies, pipe down back there! OK, here’s the deal. Many of our clients are Muslims, what with all the Somalis moving into the area, and we have had a lot of Hmong women as well, and many of them are not Christian. So keep the religious references generalized. Don’t mention Jesus, Mary or Joseph, or anything specifically Christian or Muslim or of any religion. That should be easy to do. OK, lets get out there and do our jobs!

And with that, the nurses form a circle, putting their fists together.

“Hoo Yaa!!!”

And they all shout as the fists fly in the air, and the nurses head off to help new mothers and fathers with lactation, postpartum health, and family safety.

Alternative Universe Two:

The Scene: Visiting Nurses Inc. VNI contracts with health care providers to send trained visiting nurses around bla bla bla. So they have a training meeting every other Monday morning.

Teh Boss is about to speak to a group of a dozen nurses. Nurse 1 and Nurse 2 are sitting together in the back of the room bla bla bla.

Teh Boss: So, Nurses, we’ve been asked by management to address a letter sent by one of our clients. This relates to the issue of cultural sensitivity, I suppose.

Nurse 1 (to Nurse 2): … Here we go again with the PC talk!

Nurse 2 (to Nurses 1): Yeah ….. here we go again, alright…

Teh Boss: This person is an atheist, and was a bit put off when a visiting nurse made note of the fact that her baby was designed by god to be able to see its mother’s eyes while nursing.

The nurses and Teh Boss stare blankly at each other for a moment.

Teh Boss: Whatever.

As the nurses chortle and guffaw, they approach one another with their right hands in fists, and do the Nurse Salute … “Hoo-Yaaa!!” … on the way out the door for a day of nursing and keeping the world safe from itself.

And now, about those bananas…

Comments

  1. #1 Guest
    November 25, 2012

    So I guess the durian is proof that God dislikes us and wants us to be miserable.

  2. #2 wereatheist
    Berlin, Germany
    November 25, 2012

    The durian is designed by Gawd as a punishment for all these heathens therabouts, where they grow. Yay Christendom!

  3. #3 Saya
    November 25, 2012

    I’m allergic to bananas…

  4. #4 Richard Chapman
    USA
    November 25, 2012

    He forgot to mention that God is also a jokester because a discarded banana peel is perfect for sending someone ass over teakettle.

  5. #5 eric
    November 26, 2012

    Fundieworld: baby and momma designed to fit together, which is why they fit together so wonderfully.

    Real world: Many babies actually have trouble locking on to the mom. This can cause a lot of angst and upset for both momma and baby. Fortunately most babies grow better at it over (a short period of) time…which is a clue that the behavior is at least partially learned.

    All of which is why there is a whole nursing (the profession) sub-specialty devoted to nursing (the activity). Such nurses would not need to exist if fundieworld bore any resemblance to the real world.

Current ye@r *