This amusing essay is making the rounds on the intertubes (as usual) this year, so I had to share it with you.
Mashed Potatoes with Gravy
Hot rolls and Butter
Pumpkin Pie with Whipped Cream
Get up early in the morning and have a cup of coffee. It’s going to be a long day, so place your parrot on a perch nearby to keep you company while you prepare the meal.
Remove parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.
Prepare stuffing, and remove parrot from edge of stuffing bowl and return him to perch.
Stuff turkey and place it in the roasting pan, and remove parrot from edge of pan and return him to perch. Have another cup of coffee to steady your nerves. Remove parrot’s head from turkey cavity and return him to perch, and re-stuff the turkey.
Prepare relish tray, and remember to make twice as much so that you’ll have a regular size serving after the parrot has eaten his fill. Remove parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.
Prepare cranberry sauce, discard berries accidentally flung to the floor by parrot. Peel potatoes, remove parrot from edge of potato bowl and return him to perch.
Arrange sweet potatoes in a pan and cover with brown sugar and mini marshmallows. Remove parrot from edge of pan and return him to perch. Replace missing marshmallows.
Brew another pot of coffee. While it is brewing, clean up the torn coffee filter. Pry coffee bean from parrot beak. Have another cup of coffee & remove parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.
When time to serve the meal:
Place roasted turkey on a large platter, and cover beak marks with strategically placed sprigs of parsley.
Put mashed potatoes into serving bowl, re-whip at last minute to conceal beak
marks and claw prints.
Place pan of sweet potatoes on sideboard, forget presentation as there’s no
way to hide the areas of missing marshmallows.
Put rolls in decorative basket, remove parrot from side of basket and return
him to perch.
Remove beaked rolls, serve what’s left. Set butter out on the counter to soften — think better of this strategy and return it to the refrigerator.
Wipe down counter to remove mashed potato claw tracks. Remove parrot from
kitchen counter and return him to perch.
Cut the pie into serving slices. Wipe whipped cream off parrot’s beak and place large dollops of remaining whipped cream on pie slices.
Whole slices are then served to guests, beaked-out portions should be reserved for hostess.
Place parrot inside cage and lock the door.
Sit down to a nice relaxing dinner with your family — accompanied by plaintive cries of “WANT DINNER!” from the other room.