Living the Scientific Life (Scientist, Interrupted)

This amusing essay is making the rounds on the intertubes (as usual) this year, so I had to share it with you.

Ingredients:

Turkey
Stuffing
Sweet Potatoes
Mashed Potatoes with Gravy
Green Beans
Cranberry Sauce
Hot rolls and Butter
Relish tray
Pumpkin Pie with Whipped Cream
Hot Coffee

Instructions:

Get up early in the morning and have a cup of coffee. It’s going to be a long day, so place your parrot on a perch nearby to keep you company while you prepare the meal.

Remove parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.

Prepare stuffing, and remove parrot from edge of stuffing bowl and return him to perch.

Stuff turkey and place it in the roasting pan, and remove parrot from edge of pan and return him to perch. Have another cup of coffee to steady your nerves. Remove parrot’s head from turkey cavity and return him to perch, and re-stuff the turkey.

Prepare relish tray, and remember to make twice as much so that you’ll have a regular size serving after the parrot has eaten his fill. Remove parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.

Prepare cranberry sauce, discard berries accidentally flung to the floor by parrot. Peel potatoes, remove parrot from edge of potato bowl and return him to perch.

Arrange sweet potatoes in a pan and cover with brown sugar and mini marshmallows. Remove parrot from edge of pan and return him to perch. Replace missing marshmallows.

Brew another pot of coffee. While it is brewing, clean up the torn coffee filter. Pry coffee bean from parrot beak. Have another cup of coffee & remove parrot from kitchen counter and return him to perch.

When time to serve the meal:

Place roasted turkey on a large platter, and cover beak marks with strategically placed sprigs of parsley.

Put mashed potatoes into serving bowl, re-whip at last minute to conceal beak
marks and claw prints.

Place pan of sweet potatoes on sideboard, forget presentation as there’s no
way to hide the areas of missing marshmallows.

Put rolls in decorative basket, remove parrot from side of basket and return
him to perch.

Remove beaked rolls, serve what’s left. Set butter out on the counter to soften — think better of this strategy and return it to the refrigerator.

Wipe down counter to remove mashed potato claw tracks. Remove parrot from
kitchen counter and return him to perch.

Cut the pie into serving slices. Wipe whipped cream off parrot’s beak and place large dollops of remaining whipped cream on pie slices.

Whole slices are then served to guests, beaked-out portions should be reserved for hostess.

Place parrot inside cage and lock the door.

Sit down to a nice relaxing dinner with your family — accompanied by plaintive cries of “WANT DINNER!” from the other room.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Comments

  1. #1 David Harmon
    November 27, 2008

    Hmm… I remember seeing this, or a close variation, as “How to stuff a Lorie”….

  2. #2 "GrrlScientist"
    November 27, 2008

    wow, you are very good. i rewrote and published that in 2005 from the original essay that you see above.

  3. #3 llewelly
    November 27, 2008

    funny.

    but …. what happens to a parrot if it eats a coffee bean?
    Most mammals that size would be likely to die from the caffeine in the bean, but what about a parrot?

  4. #4 Mercedes Lackey
    November 28, 2008

    Too true, and hilarious as well.

    My feathered fiends remained in their cages and got turkey catered to them. You will believe they descended from dinosaurs when you see them tuck into a piece of turkey meat or crack into a turkey bone.

  5. #5 ericnh
    November 28, 2008

    Too funny. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who had that experience yesterday. My brother-in-law called our bird a cannibal for eating turkey. Should’ve reminded him of the dino connection.

  6. #6 "GrrlScientist"
    November 28, 2008

    lewelly — if a parrot eats a coffee bean, they will become ill, and possibly die (depending upon their body size and the size of the coffee bean and its caffeine content).

    ericnh — actually, a parrot eating a turkey is no more a cannibal than is a human eating a cow — arguably, turkeys are more distantly related to parrots than humans are to cows.

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