Respectful Insolence

A new method of colon cleansing?

When I first saw this, I thought that it had to be a joke, but now I’m not so sure. I’m guessing you’ve all heard of ear candling, which can supposedly cure tinnitus, clean the ear canal of wax buildup, relieve vertigo, cure swimmer’s ear, and provide a variety of other supposed health benefits?

Well, an orifice is an orifice, so are you ready for….ButtCandles™? (I don’t think that I am.)

According to the web page:

ButtCandles™ are an exciting, and time honored, device for internal cleansing. We encourage you to peruse our site, read the referenced medical literature, and then make an informed decision as to whether you want to purchase our high-quality sanitary products. We stand behind all of our products and offer a 100% money back guarantee for all unused/unspoilt product.


From the FAQ:

Q: Is the ButtCandle™ really a candle?

A: Yes, but not necessarily what you might picture as your dining room table variety of candle. In length and diameter, it’s similiar to common candles. However, a hollow channel is cut from bottom to top which causes air to be drawn from the base to the top. In practice, this creates a vacuum at the base which, when inserted in the rectum, gently dislodges intestinal and rectal blockage.

Gee, sounds as though it will work for me, but I have a concern, and I’m guessing a lot of you could guess what it is:

Q: Should I be concerned about bodily gas?

A: The unique design and shape of the ButtCandle™ allows for any natural gas to either dissipate or burn w/o fear of personal discomfort or injury.

Imagine my relief.

I’m convinced that this page has to be a big joke. No, it isn’t the ludicrousness of the material on it that led me to conclude this. I’ve seen altie claims every bit as bizarre as the ButtCandle™. The real reason that I’m sure this is a big joke is because there is no link that I can find to a page that would allow you to actually purchase the ButtCandle™ online. No self-respecting altie would put up a web page offering 15% discounts for such a product and not actually include a link allowing the reader to buy the product.

If it isn’t a joke, this has to be the lamest altie entrepreneur I’ve ever seen.

{Hat tip to Curbstone Critic.}

Comments

  1. #1 Dlanond
    May 31, 2006

    Yes, it is a joke. Check out the Discussion Board and it will be made abundantly clear. They even link to Scientific American where buttcandle.com is referred to as a satirical site. It is a mildly humorous one as I know a number of people who swear by the ear candling and probably would try this as well. Gullibility, they name is human.

  2. #2 Sailorman
    May 31, 2006

    Damn.

    I wish I had thought of that.

    (*sighs in admiration of the brilliant ButtCandles designer*)

    It’s got to be a parody, BTW, because if they were for real they’d be called AyurvedicColonCandles or some less insulting name.

  3. #3 Lou FCD
    May 31, 2006

    Is the Butt Candle Designer Intelligent? If so, someone should alert Dembski et al.

  4. #4 J-Dog
    May 31, 2006

    Lou – Clearly the Butt Candle is designed. Unfortunately, it is just as clear that Dembski, Luskin et al are NOT qualified to benefit from the Butt Candle, as their heads are so far up their rectums that the cleansing effect is unable to be effective.

    Yes, Lou, I am afraid that the DI and it’s minions must wait for the NEW, IMPROVED BUTT BLASTER! Coming to an Institute near you soon!

  5. #5 Lou FCD
    May 31, 2006

    Ahhh… until now I had only heard whispered rumors in back rooms about a small, nuclear-powered, wedge-shaped, SUPER SUCKING BUTT BLASTER which may or may not be based on alien technology that was being suppressed by the government. Also there may have been something about Elvis.

  6. #6 usagi
    May 31, 2006

    1) Caution, the site crashed Firefox. &
    2) Sounds like something to point the Gorians to…

  7. #7 Katie
    May 31, 2006

    Oh my! With all the weird things out there for alternative medicine, I actually believed it at first. Although the sad thing is, I wonder if anyone out there would actually try this? I guess if they did, they might end up being a candidate for the “Darwin Award”, no?

  8. #8 Charlie B
    May 31, 2006

    Candle in the Wind… OMG. I just nearly dropped my laptop.

  9. #9 Joe
    May 31, 2006

    “Candle in the Wind… OMG. I just nearly dropped my laptop.”

    Unforgivably irreverant. LMAO

  10. #10 Jason
    May 31, 2006

    I also see doctors poopooing the ear candles. They say that the wax that collects in them after you’re done isn’t from your ears. BS. They don’t know what they are talking about. It works. That stuff did not come from the candle. It’s obviously earwax. You get different amounts for different people. Sometimes there’s a lot, sometimes there’s hardly any. And it doesn’t work by suction as much as it works by a wicking effect. If you’re ears are clogged, ear candles work. Your hearing will improve.

  11. #12 ebohlman
    May 31, 2006

    How come you decided to address this one personally instead of letting EneMan handle it?

  12. #13 Orac
    May 31, 2006

    How come you decided to address this one personally instead of letting EneMan handle it?

    EneMan thought it was too laughable to bother with. ;-)

  13. #14 epador
    June 1, 2006

    How about Corn Blow?

  14. #15 idlemind
    June 1, 2006

    I’ll bet EneMan was just fearful of the competition.

  15. #16 TheProbe
    June 1, 2006

    Since Alties just love weirdo treatments like this and we know that their minds are too clogged to accept any facts, I would appreciate anyone’s help in writing a grant application to develop and test “MindCandles” to clear the pathways to alties’ brains.

    Oh, wait, there are ButtCandles, and they seem to do the same thing.

    Drat! There goes another million dollar idea.

  16. #17 Alex
    June 1, 2006

    Erm…if these exist, I suspect their real function is rather different to that described on the website.

  17. #18 Bronze Dog
    June 1, 2006

    I think you need one of TheProbe’s candles, Alex. You mind is in desperate need of cleaning. ;)

  18. #19 Happystance
    June 4, 2006

    Looks very similar to Objective Ministries – I feel that you will enjoy their spiritual advice on how to deal with a grumpy atheist (scroll down the page). They offer some excellent links to “good Christian businesses” that deal with the Bible Code, how to build a safer ark etc. I heartily recommend the description of their Mall Mission.

    Best – Tony

  19. #20 RAther
    November 17, 2006

    Your suffering is over. Read up on ways to Colon Cleanse the all-natural way. The answers are here.

    Inside you will discover…
    The science behind the colon and it’s function in the body
    Various toxins found in the colon and why they are a risk to your health
    What is involved in an all-natural Colon Cleanse
    Different methods of Colon Cleanse available to you
    The benefits of hydrotherapy
    The influence of a healthy diet on your colon
    And Much, Much More…

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