Pharyngula

Dueling for the world presidency

As you all know, the position of President of the World is traditionally determined by a vote on facebook. In the last millennium, the title was awarded to the Papacy, and we are all aware of what an awful cock-up that was — it was also a rigged vote, since the only computer with facebook access was kept in the Vatican. This millennium, it’s a race between Facebook PZ and Facebook Phil, and of course Phil has already mobilized his evil hordes. Being a much nicer guy — the kind of beneficent tyrant you would want to dominate you — I haven’t been pushing for this one, but think that perhaps the decent thing to do is compromise. So I have a few suggestions.

We could simply divide this by the electorate. Everyone who lives on earth should vote for me, while all the space-based citizens can vote for Phil. Or perhaps all sentient biological organisms should vote for me, while any of you inorganic creatures reading this can vote for Phil.

Or we could divvy up the spoils. I get planet Earth and all the residents thereon, while Phil gets outer space, and has dominion over all vacuums. That sounds fair and gracious to me. After all, this is the World presidency, not the Offworld presidency.

Alternatively, if Phil is unwilling to consider my generous offer, we could just crush him and take it all. That might be simplest.

Comments

  1. #1 Chet
    March 1, 2008

    Either way, it all comes down to Texas, like always.

  2. #2 blf
    March 1, 2008

    Ah, so that’s what Phil’s post was all about. Signing up (voting?) requires a faecesbrook account. I think I’d rather be turned into skeptic tartare.

  3. #3 Brownian, OM
    March 1, 2008

    Why can’t we all just get along?

  4. #4 386sx
    March 1, 2008

    I like the compromise. Phil doesn’t have time for the Earth presidency anyway because he’s always busy washing telescopes or whatever it is he does over there.

  5. #5 Bob O'H
    March 1, 2008

    Why can’t we all just get along?

    We have to do something with all that thermite we have. Not everyone has marmalade on their elbow, you know.

  6. #6 craig
    March 1, 2008

    I had actually thought of mentioning this in the last couple of days.

    I discovered that there are actually TWO separate “PZ Myers for President of the World” groups on Facebook.

    Your base has apparently split. I wonder what the issue was that divided them?

  7. #7 Bronze Dog
    March 1, 2008

    Why don’t one of you settle for President of the US? We’re particularly messed up here, and need a good leader. Don’t have a decent guy on the horizon.

  8. #8 MAJeff, OM
    March 1, 2008

    Your base has apparently split. I wonder what the issue was that divided them?

    Squid: cooked or raw?

  9. #9 B. Wood
    March 1, 2008

    The BA’s attempt to frighten voters has failed against me. I find the tentacled kitten bewitching. Clearly it is a beautiful case of convergent evolution, and the functionality is closer to the star nosed mole than any squid.

  10. #10 idlemind
    March 1, 2008

    Being a much nicer guy — the kind of beneficent tyrant you would want to dominate you

    Oh, Master PZ! We’ve been very, very bad…

  11. #11 RamblinDude
    March 1, 2008

    You should do fine as long as the battle ground is Facebook. Just don’t let Phil trick you into moving the venue to MySpace. That’s where all his minions are!

  12. #12 Matt Penfold
    March 1, 2008

    “Your base has apparently split. I wonder what the issue was that divided them?”

    I understand it was a tentacle issue. There are the octopus PZites and the squid PZites and the two do not get along. Well how can they when you have the eight tentacle lobby and the eight arms, two tentacles lobby. I fully expect a splinter group to break away from the squidites any day now citing cuttlefish supremecy.

  13. #13 Zeno
    March 1, 2008

    PZ’s proposal seems very fair. Have there been any sightings of flying saucers bearing “Space People for Phil” bumper stickers? Of course, if they’re octopoidal aliens, they might be susceptible to PZ’s blandishments (especially if Pharyngula is their favorite squid porn site).

  14. #14 RamblinDude
    March 1, 2008

    Hmm… Wonder who Kang and Kodos will vote for?

  15. #15 Cuttlefish
    March 1, 2008

    @#12–

    You are safe for now
    Cuttlefish don’t do facebook
    We prefer real ink

  16. #16 danley
    March 1, 2008

    Give me a tank and make it a Sherman to facilitate my need to crush the vermin. Seriously, one for the galaxy and one for the terrestrial coordinates sounds like a plausible compromise for young, virile, technocratic males.

  17. #17 Richard Harris
    March 1, 2008

    Now that the Pope’s being deposed, can we lynch him, pleeeeeeeease? (Said on behalf of Africans & all others who’ve suffered death, disease, & malnutrition due to his evil organization’s insane policies.)

  18. #18 MikeG
    March 1, 2008

    Cuttlefish:
    “You are safe for now
    Cuttlefish don’t do facebook
    We prefer real ink”

    And I think we can all agree to dismiss those luddite nautiloids.

  19. #19 geokaren
    March 1, 2008

    If inorganic creatures are allowed to vote, I’ll go organize the rocks and record theirs. They may have you outvoted by the numbers (although the graywackes have trouble making up their minds).

  20. #20 Dan
    March 1, 2008

    PZ wrote:

    I get planet Earth and all the residents thereon…

    Are you sure you really want to be responsible for all the residents? You realize, of course, that you’ll have an awful lot of explaining to do to the Lord and Master of the Universe, the FSM.

    …while Phil gets outer space, and has dominion over all vacuums.

    If by “vacuums” you’re including all of the people with vacuums between their ears, like nearly anyone who writes for WorldNut Daily and fellows of the Disco Institution, they you do realize you’re ceding large portions of your jurisdiction to your opponent? Perhaps that was part of your clever plan all along? OK, I get it now. Don’t worry — we’ll just keep it our little secret.

  21. #21 defectiverobot
    March 1, 2008

    Sorry PZ, but Phil’s got the edge: he posts about Doctor Who. Skew a little more sci-fi and you might bring them over to your side!

  22. #22 Polyester Mather DD
    March 1, 2008

    If elected, as World President,your first act after pricing the assassination of the World Vice President on E-Bay should be to demand a recount.

  23. #23 Mark
    March 1, 2008

    But you both belong to each others groups. What dastardly plan does this mean? Will the loser become vice president of the world? Is it “vote for him because he’s not me?”

    Inconceivable!

  24. #24 Nullifidian
    March 1, 2008

    President of the Earth is small potatoes. I’d suggest holding out for President of the Universe.

  25. #25 MAJeff, OM
    March 1, 2008

    As long as I can reign over soups, I’m happy with whoever wins.

  26. #26 Torbjörn Larsson, OM
    March 1, 2008

    I’d suggest holding out for President of the Universe.

    But it’s the Chief Justice of the Universal Supreme Court that decides universal laws. The president is just a figurehead that’s not even useful in theory.

  27. #27 Torbjörn Larsson, OM
    March 1, 2008

    I’d suggest holding out for President of the Universe.

    But it’s the Chief Justice of the Universal Supreme Court that decides universal laws. The president is just a figurehead that’s not even useful in theory.

  28. #28 Michelle
    March 1, 2008

    Sorry PZ, but the BA gets my vote!

  29. #29 MikeG
    March 1, 2008

    Soups and biscuits, Jeff? Over reaching a bit aren’t we?

    They do go well together, though.

    May I suggest “Potentate of Calling Gerald a Twit” as another addendum?

    Humbly yours,
    MikeG
    Duke of Barbecue Pork Butt

  30. #30 MAJeff, OM
    March 1, 2008

    May I suggest “Potentate of Calling Gerald a Twit” as another addendum?

    That’s waaaay down the list.

    I’m a god of biscuits. I’ll take Governor of Soups or some such. They’re much more fun to make…next weekend is going to be an experiment with a corn/chili soup.

  31. #31 Hairy Doctor Professor
    March 1, 2008

    I’m a god of biscuits.

    Fine, just as long as you don’t encroach on the cornbread. That one’s mine. (And why most New Englanders insist on adding sugar is beyond me. I can hear my Southern ancestors spinning in their graves now.)

  32. #32 R
    March 1, 2008

    You. Are. A. Dork.

    <3

  33. #33 MAJeff, OM
    March 1, 2008

    Fine, just as long as you don’t encroach on the cornbread. That one’s mine. (And why most New Englanders insist on adding sugar is beyond me. I can hear my Southern ancestors spinning in their graves now.

    Okey doke.

    Sugar? I’m more likely to go for jalapeños and sharp cheddar cheese, with a big ol’ bunch of chili over it. Shit, now I’m getting hungry.

  34. #34 MikeG
    March 1, 2008

    Jeff, I do hope you mean chile. I have a freezer full of lovely roasted Hatches.

  35. #35 Russell Seitz
    March 1, 2008

    26# “I’d suggest holding out for President of the Universe.”

    But it’s the Chief Justice of the Universal Supreme Court that decides universal laws.”

    Fortunately for you ,Earthling, Universal Emperor Ming The Merciless is still preoccupied with feeding Flash Gordon to his pet cephalopod.

    When he finishes, you will be sent to stoke the radium furnace that keeps its aquarium comfy.

  36. #36 spurge
    March 1, 2008

    Just what sort of biscuits are we talking about here Jeff?

    The savory kind that goes well with gravy and some country ham?

    Or the English kind that we Americans more properly call a cookie?

    Either way, I am also getting hungry.

  37. #37 Mooser
    March 1, 2008

    Does “dominion over all vacuums” include Shop-Vacs and central-vacuum systems? Dust-busters too?

  38. #38 Phil Plait
    March 1, 2008

    Of course, I’ll take outer space. We have lots of big, wide, fast moving comets and asteroids that are easily steerable toward Earth.

  39. #39 Janine
    March 1, 2008

    (Done in the voice of Beavis.)

    Are you threatening me?

  40. #40 MAJeff, OM
    March 1, 2008

    The savory kind that goes well with gravy and some country ham?
    Or the English kind that we Americans more properly call a cookie?
    Either way, I am also getting hungry.

    Since it started with Eddie Izzard, probably cookies, but a good baking powder biscuit is a divine thing.

  41. #41 Dawn
    March 1, 2008

    MAJeff…if your good baking powder biscuits go nicely under some hot, peppery, sausage gravy….well, I may just have to worship you, instead.

  42. #42 MAJeff, OM
    March 1, 2008

    if your good baking powder biscuits go nicely under some hot, peppery, sausage gravy….well, I may just have to worship you, instead.

    With the emphasis on peppery.

  43. #43 Mark
    March 1, 2008

    I for one welcome our cephalopod overlords!

  44. #44 Seamyst
    March 1, 2008

    Sorry, PZ, but Phil has my vote – I’ve been a much longer reader of his blog. Now, a BA/PZ team, however…

  45. #45 Sh!fty
    March 1, 2008

    I hate you PZ, I have fallen to darkness just to see those pages.

  46. #46 leeleeone
    March 1, 2008

    Me thinks this is a subliminal ploy to get sign-ups for facebook while perhaps being more sinister: to simultaneously raise blood count cholesterol levels whilst inducing weight-gaining feeding frenzies, i.e., home-made buttermilk biscuits drenched in eye-watering pepper and mustard spiced home-made venison and sausage and gravy; or home-made biscuits smothered in bacon cracklings gravy. Whew! my doc will be happy when I tell him I only reminisced instead of indulged.

  47. #47 autumn
    March 2, 2008

    I am made of star-stuff, but it is slimey and sticky star-stuff. I am baffled.
    Wait, my wife has just informed me that I am a cold and heartless bastard.
    I have to go with the BA.
    Sorry, but I was told to.

  48. #48 Ichthyic
    March 2, 2008

    Wait, my wife has just informed me that I am a cold and heartless bastard. I have to go with the BA.

    there ya have it, folks. Go with BA if you’re a cold, heartless bastard.

    go with PZ if you love warm, fuzzy octopussys (fried or BBQ’d).

    being a fan of cornbread with cheese and chiles myself, I’m going with Chef Boyardee, er, I mean Jeff.

    well, for the appetizer, anyway. THEN I’ll stuff some BBQ octopussy down my gullet, followed by an ice-cold heartless desert.

  49. #49 Greg Laden
    March 2, 2008

    OK, I joined. But only because you know where I live and it isn’t too far away from where you live.

  50. #50 spurge
    March 2, 2008

    “go with PZ if you love warm, fuzzy octopussys (fried or BBQ’d).”

    Is it a problem that this line makes me both hungry and horny?

  51. #51 Mike Haubrich, FCD
    March 2, 2008

    I am having a hard time with this. Which fear is greater and what can affect me more?

    1. PZ is almost 170 miles away and can hurt me less than dark matter. Dark matter is constantly moving through me. Tentacles are scary, but if Plait summons the power of dark mattter, well then I guess I am sunk.

    2. PZ and I occasionally meet in person, and his bright red eyes are fearsome to behold.

    I may have to choose the “Obama” way and seek change across the aisles, but the pitfall is that both sides will be angered.

    I have to go with the Squid Overlord in order to protect my children, as the Tentacled Master knows where to find them.

  52. #52 aiabx
    March 2, 2008

    I too have cast my vote for the BA. I bet his minions get galaxies for toys, instead of icky carbon-based life forms.

  53. #53 MAJeff, OM
    March 2, 2008

    I bet his minions get galaxies for toys, instead of icky carbon-based life forms.

    Why would you want a galaxy instead of life forms. I mean, look what i can do.

  54. #54 Dave Godfrey
    March 2, 2008

    Jeff God of Biscuits- but which ones? Sweet or savoury?

    We don’t make much of a distinction between the two in the UK. Cookies however are big soft things that fall apart in your hand. Biscuits only go soft in your tea. In the hands of a master a good ginger nut, for instance, can sever a limb.

    I recommend A nice cup of tea and a sit down

  55. #55 MAJeff, OM
    March 2, 2008

    Biscuits only go soft in your tea.

    Biscotti? I actually made a few batches as thank you gifts for my MA thesis committee.

    I’ve never understood the tea thing. It smells like water with hay in it, and doesn’t taste much better. Doppio espresso per favore.

  56. #56 Brownian, OM
    March 2, 2008

    Biscuits only go soft in your tea.

    I thought I was the only one that went soft in–

    Sorry folks. Spring must be in the air or something.

  57. #57 blf
    March 2, 2008

    Well, yes, if you’re used to the USAian concept of tea, dirty water with soiled hay in it is a fairly accurate description. Biggest(?) problem is USAians don’t make it correctly. Folks, you need vigorously boiling water. Luke warm water might be Ok for washing the table, but it’s not for tea, the making of.

    Having said that, I’m mostly an espresso (café) drinker these days. By choice.

  58. #58 thalarctos
    March 2, 2008

    Spring must be in the air or something.

    If all this talk lately is because spring daylight is making your testicles increase in size 500% [1], color me impressed!

    [1] Lofts B, Murton RK, Thearle RJ. The effects of testosterone propionate and gonadotropins on the bill pigmentation and testes of the house sparrow (Passer domesticus). Gen Comp Endocrinol. 1973 Aug;21(1):202-9.

The site is currently under maintenance and will be back shortly. New comments have been disabled during this time, please check back soon.