Pharyngula

I get email

Sometimes, they just want to help me out.

You must try this before you die. Why does this happen? Maybe you can figure it out?

I have Discovered that if you lay perfectly level on a firm mattress,with no pillow. Then relax and let gravity push you flat. Do this for 3 hours day/night. you can only do an hour then massage,because its painful.Take painkillers if you have to, in the beginning. But try and do 3 hours day/night or more. If you do that for seven weeks the crucifixion comes out in you. Electric shocks in your hands, wrist and feet.
Prevention of doing evil will occur. The Truth is revealed. Amazing aspect’s occur. Back and neck pain go away. Lose weight. Feel young again.You become taller. Spiritual vision is restored etc etc etc.
I did 7 hour days/nights for 3 weeks. My Friends done the 3 hours for 7 weeks. And the same aspects happened. They just took longer.
Gravity crushes us, as soon as we are born. We end up all bent,like a banana when we are old. Lying level, for prolonged amounts of time, reverses this effect.
Also if you have kids. when you lay your baby on the side, you crush the ears.The head is the heaviest part of the body at that stage. So you need to put a hole in the pillow or something, so the ears do not get crushed. You will have a much happier baby.
All comes from the ALMIGHTY FATHER,OUR LORD JESUS Christ and THE HOLY SPIRIT. i am just a worker.
Please look at the physic’s in all of this. To have a strong foundation,your structure has to be rectified.
If this could get out to the world. It will solve so many problem’s we face on this planet.
A program needs to be set up.
The problems are inside us. And here is the solution.
PS: Once you complete the seven week’s,look to the light, any light. Because evil will come after you. Safe journey.
kind regards
John Davis.
Don’t say you weren’t given this information!

Wait…he tells me to do all this stuff to make me healthier and keep my baby’s ears from being crushed, and then evil will come after me? Well, gosh, no thanks. Babies can go ahead and have crumpled ears if it will prevent the evil from getting me.

Comments

  1. #1 Jim Anderson
    February 23, 2009

    But is it covered by my HMO?

  2. #2 Gnob
    February 23, 2009

    Doesn’t John Davis do the Garfield cartoon?

  3. #3 Spanish Inquisitor
    February 23, 2009

    No. You’re out of network.

  4. #4 Brian English
    February 23, 2009

    Wow, that is chock full of fallacies and fantasy. I bet he’s happy in the ignorant pig swill…..

  5. #5 godfrey
    February 23, 2009

    Well, my momma always said physic’s (sic) are good for you, so I majored therein.

    I’ll pass on the “crucifiction” and “rectification”, though.

  6. #6 Dave M
    February 23, 2009

    How out of shape do you have to be for gravity to be hurting you?

  7. #7 Hank Fox
    February 23, 2009

    Now I know why my ears are all rumpled.

  8. #8 JPBrowning
    February 23, 2009

    Was I the only one who felt like this was an email version of an infomercial? A really insane and even more unbelievable than normal infomercial. I kept waiting for the $19.99 plus shipping and handling to be announced.

  9. #9 Wowbagger
    February 23, 2009

    Teh stupid! It burns!

  10. #10 Byron
    February 23, 2009

    Don’t we all do this every night when we sleep?

  11. #11 JPBrowning
    February 23, 2009

    I normally sleep with a pillow, which John Davis says specifically not to, if you want… well, to be crazy, I’d say.

  12. #12 Phoenix Woman
    February 23, 2009

    Send this to Orac. It’s just the thing for his Friday Dose o’ Woo.

  13. #13 DrFish
    February 23, 2009

    @ #2: You were looking for Jim Davis. If it had been him, lasagna would have been mentioned, especially given the Christ-like flatness of the noodles.

  14. #14 Matt
    February 23, 2009

    The ‘etc. etc. etc.’ is awesome. Like he thinks all of the magical benefits of crucifixion stretches are obvious, and don’t need to be explained.

    And is it just me, or does ‘crucifixion stretch’ sound like some kind of trendy new exercise?

  15. #15 John C. Welch
    February 23, 2009

    I can safely say…

    What

    The

    Fuck?

  16. #16 Geoffrey of Ballard
    February 23, 2009

    The banana rears its ugly head once again.

    But in this case one is trying to reverse one’s similarity to the banana?

  17. #17 H.H.
    February 23, 2009

    Don’t say you weren’t given this information!

    Oh, we won’t. Promise.

  18. #18 DLC
    February 23, 2009

    Is this John Davis a friend of Ray Comfort’s ?

    “and that, My Liege, is how we know the earth to be shaped like a banana ” — Sir Bedivere.

  19. #19 Carlie
    February 23, 2009

    But, but… he doesn’t say whether to lie flat on your back or on your stomach! How will we know? If we do it wrong, will that make gravity crush us worse???

  20. #20 Don
    February 23, 2009

    I’ve never used a pillow since I left home forty years ago, and I sleep every night on a hard mattress.

    No sign of crucifixion yet, though I do have delusions of grandeur sometimes…

  21. #21 Copernic
    February 23, 2009

    Why does “getting rectified” sound like a really painful process?

  22. #22 Kel
    February 23, 2009

    Three hours a night for 7 weeks? No thank you. I could think of far more productive things to do with my time including building a device that shocks my hands and feet so I wouldn’t have to spend three hours a night lying on a matress because some religious nutter says it’ll reveal God.

    If God wants to reveal himself, it can come in the form of turning water into vodka.

  23. #23 Fernando Magyar
    February 23, 2009

    Byron @ 10

    Don’t we all do this every night when we sleep?

    Nah, not all of us. Some of us wear velcro pajamas and stick ourselves to the big tapestry hanging on the wall.

  24. #24 druidbros
    February 23, 2009

    I think ‘getting rectified’ is some kind of new colonic wash or maybe a new enema treatment.

  25. #25 go banana
    February 23, 2009

    “We end up all bent,like a banana when we are old.”

    Oh no! How did he know my worst nightmare?

  26. #26 Blue Fielder
    February 23, 2009

    I read only a few selected bits of it and had to stop. I need my brain to remain solid, thank you, and this isn’t going to help that.

  27. #27 Ray
    February 23, 2009

    Wow, I sleep without a pillow most nights. I guess I should look out for evil coming after me (or maybe I’m going to prevent doing evil?) or something. etc etc etc.

    Cheers & Happy Monkey,
    Ray

  28. #28 progressive homeschooler
    February 23, 2009

    “…look to the light, any light”

    Any light? Is there salvation in my bedside lamp? In a flashlight?

  29. #29 George
    February 23, 2009

    I have been doing this for years, no pillow, the firmest mattress I can get. never need pain meds for this, in fact, doing that prevented meds near as I can tell.

    Yet, none of these things happened to me and I do 6-7 hours per night – granted a small time may be in a different position but no much since this is sooooo comfortable for me.

  30. #30 Sastra
    February 23, 2009

    Yes, this is funny — and bizarre — but the poor guy is probably mentally ill.

    Don’t say you weren’t given this information.

  31. #31 Les Lane
    February 23, 2009

    Mightn’t it be simpler just to go to sleep with a rectifier?

  32. #32 Steve Saunders
    February 23, 2009

    So -that’s- what happened to my spiritual vision. I can’t wait to get it back with crucifixion medinaptations! Huzzah!

  33. #33 Hockey Bob
    February 23, 2009

    …and here I thought the Timecube dude was the craziest guy on Earth. I think he has some serious competition here.

    (Yes, I’m aware that crazy is an Equal Opportunity Employer; one only need visit http://www.youtube.com/user/dbootsthediva for proof of this.)

  34. #34 Bride of Shrek OM
    February 23, 2009

    …”Back and neck pain go away. Lose weight. Feel young again.You become taller. Spiritual vision is restored etc etc etc. ”

    What no mention of a three inch penis growth? Most spam emails promise that at least.

  35. #35 Inky
    February 23, 2009

    Did anyone else read this and hear your synaptic transmissions come to a screeching halt?

  36. #36 NewEnglandBob
    February 23, 2009

    I will get taller? whoa!

    Sign me up! If I do it for more than 7 weeks will I be even taller still?

    NBA, here I come! Oh wait, my 58th birthday is next week.

    Never mind.

  37. #37 Mully410
    February 23, 2009

    lol

  38. #38 Kel
    February 23, 2009

    What no mention of a three inch penis growth? Most spam emails promise that at least.

    Just how big do you want your penis to be BoS?

  39. #39 Hank Fox
    February 23, 2009

    The only thing this piece lacks to have that true chain-letter feel is the admonition to pass it along:

    “You must pass this along to 10 people before the day is out, and something wonderful will happen to you. DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!! A woman in Sterling, Nebraska broke the chain and was struck by a speeding bus the very next day. A man in Austin, Texas passed it along and won a million dollars within 24 hours.”

  40. #40 Ollie
    February 23, 2009

    I’ve done this before. Well, minus all the hocus pocus. I’ve tried various methods of meditation, and this idea of laying perfectly flat (actually, I’m a heathen and still use a pillow) and not moving for a long period of time has worked for me. It really is an interesting sensation, and while I wouldn’t call it electrifying or anything, your body certainly does feel different. I’ve even on occasion fallen asleep this way, only to maintain some sort of consciousness while going into sleep.

    There is nothing magical or religious about it. And it’s only “spiritual” in the sense that you’re maybe more in touch with your feelings and self. Shame that so many people need some sort of hocus pocus to understand these things. It takes more imagination to understand the real world than the stories we make up about it.

  41. #41 www.10ch.org
    February 23, 2009

    He says that you should sleep without a pillow, and then get magically crucified. Then, later, he says, punch a hole in the pillow. What?

  42. #42 meh1963
    February 23, 2009

    Uh-huh.

    Extreme discomfort (no pillow) will lead to prevention of evil.

    This one’s further out than most.

  43. #43 progressive homeschooler
    February 23, 2009

    Posted by: Matt |
    The ‘etc. etc. etc.’

    He’s channeling Yul Brenner.

  44. #44 littlejohn
    February 23, 2009

    Why is Jim Bakker so short? I spend most of my sleepy-time upright in an easy chair. I’m 6’3″. However, I am looking forward to feeling crucified. Who wouldn’d?

  45. #45 Ragutis
    February 23, 2009

    The strangest part is that he’s not asking for money.

    If I slept on my back, I think the roof would collapse.

    Although, I’m fairly certain that my snoring has saved me from the “We should move in together.” conversation a few times.

  46. #46 Calvin Spealman
    February 23, 2009

    Anyone else get the IDEA that the seemingly random USE of all caps by THESE people just adds to THE crazy?

  47. #47 progressive homeschooler
    February 23, 2009

    Posted by: Calvin Spealman
    Anyone else get the IDEA that the seemingly random USE of all caps by THESE people just adds to THE crazy?

    That and the Random capitalization of common Noun in the Middle of a sentence.

  48. #48 Jeeves
    February 23, 2009

    I’d like to see the Shamwow guy market this.

  49. #49 Mercurious
    February 23, 2009

    OT but good news. YouTube has reinstated Thunderf00t. Credit is also given to PZ on helping on the fight.

    Thundf00t – YouTube vs The Users Part 3

  50. #50 BobbyEarle
    February 23, 2009

    progressive homeschooler @28…

    Any light? Is there salvation in my bedside lamp? In a flashlight?

    Well, we do know that there is paradise by the dashboard light.

  51. #51 Oskar Kennedy
    February 23, 2009

    Jim Anderson #1 FTW. If you spun it as preventive care, you might talk them into it.

  52. #52 jb
    February 23, 2009

    #31 – I’m pretty positive that that was a negative comment….

  53. #53 mikecbraun
    February 23, 2009

    Don’t forget the random use of apostrophes. There is a “problem’s” followed a couple sentences later by “problems.” Consistency helps you look a tad less nutty. Not much, but a tad. Ask one of the voices in your head if the word is a plural noun or a possessive noun. One of them is bound to know.

  54. #54 Scott
    February 23, 2009

    Apostrophes in plurals are evil.

  55. #55 Technicolorful
    February 23, 2009

    Do you mind if I cite this so a few people I know can get a good laugh out of this? I’ve showed them your site but they are people that tend to dismiss overly extensive posts and so were drawn away by shinier things.

  56. #56 Chris N
    February 23, 2009

    I’m all for making fun of creationists since they cause real problems in science education and other stuff, but now I’m pretty sure you’re just making fun of a mentally challenged person.

  57. #57 Bride of Shrek OM
    February 23, 2009

    Kel

    Sometimes I think I’d rather like to have a penis.

    Having just spent the better part of three weeks having to hover over Indonesian squat toilets I have decided the ability to be able to piss standing up is not to be underestimated.

  58. #58 Brain Hertz
    February 23, 2009

    He’s right, you know.

    Many of the world’s problem’s can be solved with physic’s.

  59. #59 spinetingler
    February 23, 2009

    Please don’t let that be the John Davis from Superdrag! I know he found religion and all, but their new album is quite rockin’.

  60. #60 Jeeves
    February 23, 2009

    He comes across as friendly, harmless and open if not entirely misguided.

  61. #61 Sven DiMilo
    February 23, 2009

    This…
    uh
    The…
    damn it!

  62. #62 The MadPanda
    February 23, 2009

    Bride o’Shrek (#57)

    Thank you, Madame. I shall now have that song by Monty Python (sung by Eric Idle) running through my head for the next few days. (“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Here’s a little number I tossed off in the Caribbean…”)

    As for our original e-mailer, all I can say is this:

    Where do they come from, and why the blistering blue blazes do they thing Professor Myers really needs to hear their drivel?

    (No, don’t answer that: it’s rhetorical.)

    The MadPanda, FCD

  63. #63 ennui
    February 23, 2009

    This is the real story of what happened to Francis Collins–the triune waterfall is just a cover-up!

  64. #64 procyon
    February 23, 2009

    I refuse to fix my foundation by getting my structure rectified. Wouldn’t that change my AC to DC?

  65. #65 Marcus J. Ranum
    February 23, 2009

    Sounds like jebus is my chiropractor…

  66. #66 Chris
    February 23, 2009

    Ok, I think I know what’s happening here. If you only sleep 3 hrs per night on a hard mattress with no pillow, you begin to halucinate and otherwise go absolutely mad.

  67. #67 Defaithed
    February 23, 2009

    @progressive homeschooler: “He’s channeling Yul Brenner.”

    Actually, I think the writer is channeling Dr Bronner. An eclectic reading for the uninitiated:

    “All-One-God-Faith! WE’RE ALL-ONE OR NONE! The Moral ABC unites all mankind! LISTEN CHILDREN ETERNAL FATHER ETERNALLY ONE! EXCEPTIONS ETERNALLY? ABSOLUTE NONE! A great teacher, must first, a self-supporting hardworker be, like Alesen-Baeck-Carnegie- Cousteau-Hammer-Liebman-Paine-Pike-Sanger-Spinoza-Strauss-Szasz-Wilke-Yadin-Zamenhof, or he’ll turn our greatest teaching into spades, to bury our people! All people!, added Carpenter Jesus entering manhood! Manhood! DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!”

    Now what doesn’t that get an Oscar?

  68. #68 jqpublic
    February 23, 2009

    I can’t wait to see teh evil emanate from my lava lamp.

  69. #69 PlaydoPlato
    February 23, 2009

    I’m in a hurry. I wonder, can I get the same results if I just lie in a puddle of water while hooked up to a car battery?

  70. #70 Rick
    February 23, 2009

    Nah ner nah ner nah nah!
    You weren’t the first to get this information PZ!

    jlsdsd posted it as a comment on Evolution of a Scientist on Newsweek.com.

    Loony. Simply loony.

    Dear Lord have mercy on your followers. jsldsd even has a twitter feed.

    Trying to get investors. Have videod the machine and am hoping the investors will invest. Then il get money to put magnetic motor in cars.
    Just completed second one. This one does 1.5kva. Free power. plus you can plug waterpump in. And pump water to deserts at no cost.

  71. #71 Sioux Laris
    February 23, 2009

    Honest crazy like this is something the world needs as much as another mountain, etc., or Mancinian “love”. Loons and ultra-eccentrics make the world a better place for all of us as they go where no man (or duck) has goed before.

  72. #72 Chad
    February 23, 2009

    ???

  73. #73 Kel
    February 23, 2009

    Thank you, Madame. I shall now have that song by Monty Python (sung by Eric Idle) running through my head for the next few days.

    That’s exactly what came into my head!

  74. #74 Dust
    February 23, 2009

    Bride of Shrek—before you go traveling again, better get some of these……http://www.shewee.com/how.html

  75. #75 Dax W
    February 24, 2009

    If I just take the painpills can I forgo
    the rest of that crap to get to Happyville

  76. #76 Inoculated Mind
    February 24, 2009

    Amazing aspect’s occur.

    Really? Like proper spelling and sentence structure?

  77. #77 Twin-Skies
    February 24, 2009

    I have Discovered that if you lay perfectly level on a firm mattress,with no pillow. Then relax and let gravity push you flat. Do this for 3 hours day/night. you can only do an hour then massage,because its painful.Take painkillers if you have to, in the beginning. But try and do 3 hours day/night or more. If you do that for seven weeks the crucifixion comes out in you. Electric shocks in your hands, wrist and feet.

    Fuck that lying on a mattress bit!

    You want an authentic crucifixion, come on over to Pampanga – I’m sure the locals will be happy to volunteer you for their annual Good Friday event.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crucifixion#Crucifixion_as_a_devotional_practice

  78. #78 SmartLX
    February 24, 2009

    I might be able to explain the “electric shocks” aspect. If I tense and hold my fingers really hard for thirty seconds (outstretched, not clenched), the little bits of friction I feel in my knuckles when I move them again put me in mind of electricity zapping through them. It doesn’t hurt, it’s just slightly interesting.

  79. #79 Bostonian
    February 24, 2009

    This new learning amazes me! Explain again how sheep’s bladders can be used to prevent earthquakes.

  80. #80 The Helvetica Scenario
    February 24, 2009

    Timecube Proves John Davis False!

  81. #81 Mike W
    February 24, 2009

    Thats great, but can it help me get chicks?

  82. #82 Ouchimoo
    February 24, 2009

    LOL! I seriously laughed out loud. I donno, I think it must be a poe. It’s just too funny.

  83. #83 GW
    February 24, 2009

    Has anyone done a study with a group of Paraplegics as the test cases?

  84. #84 Brock
    February 24, 2009

    Defaithed (#67): Is that Dr. Bronner the inspiration for the hybrids in Battlestar Galactica? Seems just as incoherent to me.

  85. #85 Onotheo
    February 24, 2009

    Um … I actually sleep on something firmer than just firm mattress because I prefer hard surfaces to sleep on. I used to not use pillows but I do now. Does that mean the evil has ‘came’ on me? That should explain certain dreams.

  86. #86 Calladus
    February 24, 2009

    Half-wave, full-wave or bridge rectifier?

    Don’t add any transformers, or you could be accused of discrimination.

    You have no idea how long I’ve waited to unload that Amateur Radio pun. I’m such a Ham.

  87. #87 beanjavert
    February 24, 2009

    Ahah! That’s what I’ve been feeling–crucifixion pain in the hands, wrists, and feet!

    Oh, wait.

    Arthritis.

    Oops.

  88. #88 Towel
    February 24, 2009

    I do occasionally get a bit tingly at night if I lie on my back and try to force myself down to sleep without moving my limbs. That has more to do with the sleep process itself, and the immobility of my limbs, than it has to do with Jesus though.

  89. #89 RedFerret
    February 24, 2009

    Hmmm, I’m no engineer but;

    “To have a strong foundation, your structure has to be rectified.”

    don’t you have to have astrong foundation BEFORE you “rectify” your structure. Ahem. Oh dear, I appear to be taking this too literally again.

    TRF

  90. #90 Your Mighty Overload
    February 24, 2009

    Apparently, when we get old, we get bent like a banana. Do you suppose we fit perfectly in God’s hand, or the Devil’s hand then?

    A new one for Ray Comfort, methinks! We even have a tab (read “head”) for peeling the (biodegradable) skin off!

  91. #91 MaleficVTwin
    February 24, 2009

    Right-o.

    I thought we were intelligently designed, and therefore would not need to lie flat to negate the effects of god’s gravity, since it is all in the plan…………..oh right. The fall. I keep forgetting. How silly of me.

  92. #92 natural cynic
    February 24, 2009

    We end up all bent,like a banana when we are old

    Stop right there! When you’re bent like a banana, you’re just right to fit in King Kong’s hand!!! Therefore God exists!!!

  93. #93 Greg F.
    February 24, 2009

    Gravity crushes us, as soon as we are born. We end up all bent,like a banana when we are old. Lying level, for prolonged amounts of time, reverses this effect.

    I’m torn between two possible responses. One is the classic, “the stupid, it burns!” and the other is the ICHC inspired “Science FAIL.”

    The scary part is that it sounds much like the pseudoscientific woo you could find anywhere on the web with the same kind of bizarre, backwards justification. But why would anyone send it in an e-mail?

  94. #94 Autumn
    February 24, 2009

    @MaleficVTwin,
    “The fall. I keep forgetting. How silly of me.”

    Yeah, “The Fall”.

    Due to GRAVITY!

    Newton is Lucifer!
    Einstein is a more precise Lucifer!

    Quantum Gravity? Well, in that case Lucifer can’t be exactly nailed down, but there are soloutions that suggest the presence of Lucifer given certain initial restraints at sufficiently high energies…

  95. #95 Valis
    February 24, 2009

    “Crucifixion?”
    “Yes.”
    “Through that door, line on the left, one cross each.”

  96. #96 Brad D
    February 24, 2009

    Argh! Valis beat me to it. All I can say now is: Weawease Bwian!

  97. #97 Bride of Shrek OM
    February 24, 2009

    Dust @ #74

    That, possibly, is just about the coolest gadget EVER invented. I kid you not I have already tracked down the Australian distributor and have ordered one (in pink- one has to have some femininity about such things). Very soon I shall have mastered the art of vertical urination and I shall be the most pleased woman on the planet! No longer will I need to hold myself in quad straining lunges ( made worse by dodgy right knee) whilst hovering over a commode breaking into a cold sweat about my irrational phobia of public toilet seats. I will simply whip out my shewee (TM) and relief will be mine.

    … I kind of wish I still had a willy though.

  98. #98 John Phillips, FCD
    February 24, 2009

    Thankfully I was listening to RD narrate Origins as I read this post. Thus any potential brain damage was mitigated by RD’s cultivated tones and CD’s clarity and genius.

  99. #99 Janine, Ignorant Slut
    February 24, 2009

    Bride, you seem to have a certain organ on your mind.

  100. #100 eddie
    February 24, 2009

    Hey! Capital D Discover. Like Capital T Truth, as in, we just make shit up?

  101. #101 arekksu
    February 24, 2009

    7 hours a night? you know a much easier way to “feel crucified” is just to go and get actually crucified.

  102. #102 Raiko
    February 24, 2009

    If I lay down on a mattress, flat and relaxed, I fall asleep. It never hurt me – ever. Maybe this guy needs physiotherapy?

  103. #103 Hugh Troy
    February 24, 2009

    PZ, do you ever get any e mails from religious people that aren’t totally crazy?

  104. #104 Ross_S
    February 24, 2009

    BoS @ 97,

    “… I kind of wish I still had a willy though.”

    Either you slightly mixed up your syntax or you’re telling me something new and somewhat startling.

  105. #105 Mobius
    February 24, 2009

    Davis says if I do this, I will feel like I’m being crucified? This is supposed to be a good thing?

    And then THE EVIL(tm) will come after me???

    No thanx.

  106. #106 Tom Woolf
    February 24, 2009

    progressive homeschooler (#28)…

    Just look to the Prophet Doonesbury for the answer:
    “The part of the baby Jesus will be played by a hidden forty-watt light bulb.”

  107. #107 Magnifico Giganticus
    February 24, 2009

    If I take enough painkillers I’ll see one of the gods!?

  108. #108 Peter Ashby
    February 24, 2009

    To turn water into vodka all you need is k, Tovarisch.

  109. #109 Donovan
    February 24, 2009

    Ah, yes. Temperpedic (sp?) is NASA approved for cruci-fiction like sleep. I’m certain our intellectual giant forgot the citations and references, along with capital letters, in the scientific ecstasy of this discovery.

    I think very few scientists fully grasp how beginning each night by denying your body its indulgence in sleep and putting yourself through painful and prolonged-though mild-torture, you can then actually feel the evil trying to get you and your baby’s ears. How could I have denied any of it?

  110. #110 Richard Smith
    February 24, 2009

    @Your Mighty Overlord (#90): We even have a tab (read “head”) for peeling the (biodegradable) skin off!

    For some strange reason, I now have that scene from the Silent Hill movie stuck in my head, the bit with pyramid head…

    @Bride of Shrek OM (#97): … I kind of wish I still had a willy though.

    That, or do you still kind of wish you had a willy?

  111. #111 Dale O'Flaherty
    February 24, 2009

    He sounds like Phillip K Dick during a mescal trip.

  112. #112 Richard Smith
    February 24, 2009

    @Ross_S (#104): …slightly mixed up your syntax…

    That’ll larn me for skimming over the last few comments…

  113. #113 Ex Partiate
    February 24, 2009

    did he learn this in the asylum where he by all rights should still be, somebody left the door open again.

  114. #114 Steverino
    February 24, 2009

    Drop the net!…We got one!

  115. #115 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    February 24, 2009

    A man is not drunk if he can lay flat on a mattress for three hours without holding on.

    –Joe E Lewis (sort of)

  116. #116 Dahan
    February 24, 2009

    Wait! How can you all be so sure this doesn’t work? Why do you have to mock everything that doesn’t fit in with what you think you know. We humans know very little! Perhaps he’s right. Our brains can do amazing things. Jesus tells us…

    Oops, sorry, it’s early here and I seem to be channeling one or more of my relatives. Once the coffee kicks in I’ll be fine. At least I hope so.

  117. #117 TGAP Dad
    February 24, 2009

    Rev. BigDumbChimp: I think you meant to say “lie” instead of “lay” (intransitive vs. transitive).

  118. #118 AnthonyK
    February 24, 2009

    Once again, the professor ignores unsolicited advice in his e-mails and posts it here to be sneered at by his acolytes.
    Well, in the first place I am surprised that so many people would ignore the clear directions which would ensure that if followed one would have the pleasant nightly sensation of actually being crucified.
    But I can also attest that for several generations my family have followed a regimen which ensures that our ears are uncrushed: my mother fashioned a foam collar with effectively prevented us from having the wrinkled, apostrophe-shaped ears of so many here. Instead, all our family, and now my own many children, have ears that are perfectly flat, and somewhat larger than our faces.
    The improvements in terms of hearing are scarcely to be imagined, while there is an additional benefit in terms of coolness in the summer, sufficient to mitigate the jibes of our small-eared, small-minded contemporaries.

  119. #119 DuckPhup
    February 24, 2009

    Surely… surely… there is some great wisdom that can be teased out of this information…

    … let’s see…

    … physic

    … rectification

    OK… that implies an cathartic, administered anally. An enema, perhaps?

    OK… the results that are described go FAR beyond what one would normally achieve via an enema…

    … BEYOND…

    … physic…

    Hmmm…

    META = ‘beyond’…

    meta…

    physic…

    METAPHYSIC… BEYOND enema…

    I think we’re getting close to the crucial insight…

  120. #120 Hank
    February 24, 2009

    If I wanted to be rectified, I’d join the Catholic church!

  121. #121 David Marjanovi?, OM
    February 24, 2009

    Prevention of doing evil will occur.

    Well, duh. He who sleepeth sinneth not.

  122. #122 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    February 24, 2009

    Rev. BigDumbChimp: I think you meant to say “lie” instead of “lay” (intransitive vs. transitive).

    me fail english? That’s unpossible!

    Actually, the quote I was working from actually used lay so….

    (not that I wouldn’t make that mistake)

  123. #123 BigZ
    February 24, 2009

    What does a non crumpled ear look like? Flat and round like a dish?

    People left to think the supernatural exist have taken the gateway drug into “magic” and see themselves as 10th level wizards.

  124. #124 Richard Smith
    February 24, 2009

    Well, it should be possible for a man to lay flat on the bed, so long as their partner is on top, and not too vigorous…

  125. #125 E.V.
    February 24, 2009

    PZ, just hit reply and type “Risperdal & Depakote” .

    RevBDC: Um, when I get lied it’s usually on a mattress… I’m not laying!

  126. #126 Branch Manager
    February 24, 2009

    Dear PZ
    This makes me really sad. I don’t get any email that’s anywhere near this entertaining. I just get boring work and social stuff. My life is so sad.

  127. #127 Matt Penfold
    February 24, 2009

    Bride, you seem to have a certain organ on your mind.

    Janine, Did you just call Bride a dickhead ? :)

  128. #128 Grace Conyers
    February 24, 2009

    OK, I’m confused. I’ve been sleeping on the floor every day since I was about 13 thanks to my Japanese martial arts instructor. I find that yes, it does ease my back and neck pain; it does make me feel taller, and yes, it is painful sometimes.

    What I do not feel is any of the drunken Yogi crap that fell out of this email.

    I pointed this out to my boyfriend that studies Buddhism and anything having to do with Asian cultures. He said, “Wow. This sounds like something right of the archaic sutras laced with a bit of meth.”

    I can’t think of a better way to sum it up. I must go pick him up off the floor now from the hysterical laughter this email has brought him.

  129. #129 CrypticLife
    February 24, 2009

    Also if you have kids. when you lay your baby on the side

    Baby books largely recommend laying your baby on their back, without a pillow. This is to prevent SIDS.

    Painkillers for such a “stressful” position, however, are not recommended.

  130. #130 Diane
    February 24, 2009

    Am I the only one to point out that if you put a baby to sleep on a pillow, you will end up with a dead baby? And like dead puppies dead babies aren’t much fun eiter.

  131. #131 SteveM
    February 24, 2009

    Ah, yes. Temperpedic (sp?) is NASA approved for cruci-fiction like sleep.

    This is what always bothered me about the Tempurepedic mattress commercials, if you listen closely they never it is endorsed by NASA but by “the Space Foundation” whatever the heck that is.

    Anyway back to the OP; as for reversing the effects of gravity, I think the “Jeter Hang-up” will do the same thing in shorter time and be more fun also.

  132. #132 Diane
    February 24, 2009

    I meant to say either. Too damned early in the morning to spell correctly.

  133. #133 Ryan F Stello
    February 24, 2009

    Wow, he took unnecessary capitalization to a whole new level.

  134. #134 Saint Pudalia
    February 24, 2009

    Mattress? That’s kid stuff. I sleep on a bed of nails! You get the tingly feeling you love with the stigmata you crave. Try it!

  135. #135 Interrobang
    February 24, 2009

    He gets an electric-like tingling in his hands, wrists, and feet? Doesn’t that just scream “pinched nerves” to anyone else? Dude. Anti-inflammatories, ice, and physiotherapy, and you’ll be feeling much better soon. Can’t do anything about the religious mania without heavy-duty drugs, I’m afraid…

  136. #136 AnthonyK
    February 24, 2009

    Can’t do anything about the religious mania without heavy-duty drugs, I’m afraid…

    Regretably, even heavy duty drugs are ineffective. When they wear off, the crazies are still there.

  137. #137 SteveM
    February 24, 2009

    If this could get out to the world. It will solve so many problem’s we face on this planet.
    A program needs to be set up.[emphasis added]

    And there it is, the mandatory “this must be mandatory”, clause. Aprogram needs to be set up to do what, force everyone to lie flat on a board for 3 hrs a day? And no whatever electric tingles you feel in your hands or flashes of light you see, that will not solve the worlds problems, our problems need quite a bit more hard work.

  138. #138 everettattebury
    February 24, 2009

    People with this kind of mental illness are unreachable with reason. They need empathy instead. “Gravity crushes us, as soon as we are born.” I think this sentence gives an idea of the kind of childhood he must have experienced.

    At least he still has a desire to help other people, even if his method is bizarre. It’s obviously given him some relief, though not for the reasons he thinks.

    There is no shortage of people like this to mock and be entertained by. I hope he gets the help he needs.

  139. #139 Kristine
    February 24, 2009

    I did 7 hour days/nights for 3 weeks. My Friends done the 3 hours for 7 weeks. And the same aspects happened. They just took longer.

    It wouldn’t take as long if these dorks would just send money to me! ;-)

  140. #140 Masks of Eris
    February 24, 2009

    A program needs to be set up. The problems are inside us. And here is the solution.

    For some reason I can’t read that without thinking of someone looking at butcher knife, drooling.

    Other than that, one of the most reasonable religious thinkers I’ve heard in a while.

  141. #141 Benjamin Franklin
    February 24, 2009

    Damn You Gravity!

    I always knew you were the spawn of Satan.

  142. #142 Brian Knoblock
    February 24, 2009

    Don’t say you weren’t given this information.

    It’s great to know that this isn’t top secret super-duper maxi-extreme ultra secret.

    And if I do have children, I will remember to check in on the little guy/girl every 7 minutes or so to make sure their ear hasn’t moved away from the hole in the pillow.

  143. #143 JohnFrum
    February 24, 2009

    PZ,
    It’s hard to tell for sure but I think someone just wanted to have to honor of being posted on your site. This one’s a bit too far out and seems like they’re trying to sound crazy.

  144. #144 Dr.FabulousShoes
    February 24, 2009

    I’ve been saving the world every night! And to think I was just doing it because of a bad back.

  145. #145 Art N. Heaven
    February 24, 2009

    #30 “Yes, this is funny — and bizarre — but the poor guy is probably mentally ill.”

    Understood about the mental illness, but I’m still astonished how fervent believers in a omniscient, omnipotent being controlling peoples’ lives, healing cancer, and talking to them in tongues and fried eggs can escape being diagnosed with mental illness.

    I mean, what’s the equation? Is it:

    • God is a blue turnip orbiting Neptune = mentally ill.
    • God is Jew who died 2000 years ago and we eat his body every Sunday = perfectly sane.
  146. #146 Lotharloo
    February 24, 2009

    @John Davis: Run! Gravity is after you!

  147. #147 «bønez_brigade»
    February 24, 2009

    Tell me, John Davis — physic’s what? Physic’s _what_?
    Fuck, I’m doomed without that information.

  148. #148 Summer Seale
    February 24, 2009

    Did you ever notice that all these “spiritual” people who start to write online about their “philosophies” always have documents full of words with CAPITAL LETTERS with terms which usually make absolutely zero sense?

    What is it with that? I don’t get it.

    I’ve looked at Creationists, Crystal Healing idiots, “Atlanteans”, Tarot Card readers etc…..

    They’ll always write something in the following style:

    “And then THE SPIRIT which resides IN US…”

    …or…

    “It is the TETRAGAMMON of the SPIRITUAL WORLD which we observe FOR NOW…”

    …or…

    “The LIGHT inside of our MIND/BODY/SPIRIT shines out upon the WORLD…”

    …I just don’t get it. As soon as I see a page or email full of those capital letters, I know instantly that it is a total fucking clueless unhinged moron behind the screen on the other side.

    It’s such a telling sign.

  149. #149 Anonymous
    February 24, 2009

    @28 “Any light? Is there salvation in my bedside lamp? In a flashlight?”

    Definitely in a flashlight. Read the words of the acolytes here:
    http://www.candlepowerforums.com/vb/index.php?

    They even have a schism: The Hotwires vs. the LEDs!

  150. #150 MrMarkAZ
    February 24, 2009

    Hmm … maybe this is an unemployed Nigerian 419 scammer trying a different tactic?

  151. #151 Mt Twiddle
    February 24, 2009

    Hey what about my ears? I don’t want ‘em crushed by gravity! I’m going to cut a hole in my pillow and my wife’s pillow as well. I just hope I’m not too late.

  152. #152 erasmus31
    February 24, 2009

    The reference to a baby troubles me. Does that mean it is able to procreate?

  153. #153 Aquaria
    February 24, 2009

    I think this guy is a mattress salesman. I mean, nobody sane would buy a mattress for a baby and cut a hole in it. Eventually, a child is able to turn over by himself. Then he could put his face in the hole and suffocate (and never mind all the weird innards of mattresses that could hurt a baby!). So you would have to buy another mattress when the kid’s old enough to turn over on his own.

    If he hasn’t suffocated first. Or choked to death from ingesting mattress foam. Or…

  154. #154 'tis himself
    February 24, 2009

    Then relax and let gravity push you flat.

    Silly Christian. Don’t you know that gravity’s just a theory?

  155. #155 Daniel J. Andrews
    February 24, 2009

    I was going to make a witty comment, but can’t compete with you folks. Thanks for the great laughs. Fernando’s (#23) velcro pajamas comment really set me off, and from then on I had a giggle fest all the way through (very undignified at my age but who cares).

  156. #156 Dancaban
    February 25, 2009

    “If God wants to reveal himself, it can come in the form of turning water into vodka.”

    I can do the reverse process with a few added salts as a bonus. Am I revealed as Dog?

  157. #157 Grimalkin
    February 25, 2009

    Wait wait… lie in a bed for a couple hours either during the day or the night? Did I get that right? Is he saying that we should sleep?

    I do that already, thanks.

  158. #158 Natalie
    February 25, 2009

    I find this odd because he’s essentially describing the savasana yoga pose (aka corpse pose) – lie flat on back and completely relax. My yoga class always ends with this pose. Granted, it’s for about 10 minutes, not 3 hours.

  159. #159 David
    March 14, 2009

    It occurs to me that if the author can indeed hold down any job, he should be selling those sleep-number beds.

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