Pharyngula

A better timeline!

Stop the presses! I was sent a better, more accurate, and more informative timeline for Intelligent Design creationism. Use this one.

You can see why this one is better. It goes into the future.

Comments

  1. #1 Outsider
    April 17, 2009

    Slight nit-pick: It should start ~4000BC. Creationists, I mean Intelligent Design proponents, believe the world/universe is 6000 years old (4000BC+2000AD=6000 ). ;)

  2. #2 Rich
    April 17, 2009

    Yeah, one of the BCs should be an AD, also.

    KRISTINE IS A WITCH.

  3. #3 PZ Myers
    April 17, 2009

    There should be an arrow pointing to Kristine’s birthday that says “WITCH BORN”.

  4. #4 Outsider
    April 17, 2009

    Here’s a better (and hilarious-er) chart: http://www.bibletimelines.org/FramedCreation.html

    Apparently clocks were created on the 7th day. Hmm.

  5. #5 E.V.
    April 17, 2009

    The perfect example of irony: “God desires man to exercise his reasoning powers; and the study of the Bible will strengthen and elevate the mind as no other study can.”

  6. #6 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    April 17, 2009

    Wait does this mean that Hanna Barbera created god?

    It’s not turtles all the way down?

  7. #7 Kimpatsu
    April 17, 2009

    I love the “Rapture Portal”. Is that anything like a Stargate?

  8. #8 Rich
    April 17, 2009

    2 Corinthians 10:5 (New International Version)
    5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

  9. #9 Josh
    April 17, 2009

    I love the “Rapture Portal”. Is that anything like a Stargate?

    Sounds like something out of Doom3.

  10. #10 Lynna Howard
    April 17, 2009

    @4: Great timeline. I see that on day 6 the man is already busy instructing the woman who sits at his feet.

  11. #11 raven
    April 17, 2009

    The future is wrong. The Rapture should be any time, although the experts and scholars vary.

    Noted brain Sarah Palin says it will be in her lifetime. She is a late 40′s something. So in the next 35 years or, in the unlikely event she is elected president and gets a hold of some nukes.

    One group of brilliant Rapture scientists had it as 2008, basing this on the election of the antichrist who turns out to be a Kenyan Moslem terrorist.

    Most Rapture scientists have it as 2012 when Rush Limbaugh, the real antichrist is elected and the Mayan calendar ends. What the Mayans have to do with Yahweh is a mystery since they are pagans and while their calendar ends, they start a new one.

    Some scholars of Armageddonology say the universe ended sometime in the last 2,000 years. Why 6.7 billion people are still here and no one saw it is a bit of a mystery but the lord works in mysterious ways.

    St. Paul and John the Tripper had it as 2,000 years ago but they gave an Apocalypse and no one came.

  12. #12 Outsider
    April 17, 2009

    I LOLed at “Rapture scientists”.

  13. #13 Josh
    April 17, 2009

    Noted brain Sarah Palin…

    This thread might have an early winner.

  14. #14 Glen Davidson
    April 17, 2009

    Where’s Satan burying the fossils in the earth, and relic genes making life appear undesigned in the genome?

    Inquiring minds want to know. We need a more complete timeline, I’m afraid.

    Glen D
    http://tinyurl.com/6mb592

  15. #15 Chuck Lunney
    April 17, 2009

    Outsider (#4):

    Here’s a better (and hilarious-er) chart: http://www.bibletimelines.org/FramedCreation.html

    At the bottom is a link to a Powerpoint presentation of the whole thing.

    The instructions for downloading say it all:

    It may appear at first that nothing is happening. This is normal.

  16. #16 shonny
    April 17, 2009

    2012 Demonstrated Imbecils cure cancer.
    Well, guess death is kinda cure, but seldom considered as such.

  17. #17 Andrew Sinnott
    April 17, 2009

    Now THAT’S funny!

  18. #18 AmyD
    April 17, 2009

    Adam looks like Alec Baldwin.

  19. #19 Patricia, OM
    April 17, 2009

    Noted brain, Sarah Palin…

    Gee thanks, now there’s chai all over my keyboard.

  20. #20 Allen MacNeill
    April 17, 2009

    Now, I don’t want to get picky, but the start date is much more precise than either 6,000 BC or 4,000 BC. According to Anglican Archbishop James Ussher of Armagh, northern Ireland (author of Annales veteris testamenti, a prima mundi origine deducti, published in 1650), the exact date and time of creation is nightfall preceding Sunday 23 October 4004 BC, in the proleptic Julian calendar, near the autumnal equinox. You can read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ussher_chronology

    This means that the biosphere was created on Tuesday 25 October 4004 BC, presumably by noon (the days used to change at noon, rather than midnight). Also, we may presume that this was not Greenwich Mean Time, but rather two hours earlier (i.e. Eastern European Time). Probably earlier rather than later (God doesn’t sleep in).

    But this represents a problem, since the God (sorry, the Intelligent Designer) didn’t get around to creating the sun, moon, and stars until Wednesday, so it would have been difficult to see what was going on until then. But He’s omnipotent, so He was probably using the Holy Night-vision Goggles…except, with no source of light at all they wouldn’t work.

    Dang! Yet another paradox to resolve…

  21. #21 Stacy
    April 17, 2009

    “Discovery Institute cures cancer” ??????

    Shouldn’t it be “Claims to cure cancer” ??

  22. #22 Kausik Datta
    April 17, 2009

    Most Rapture scientists have it as 2012 when Rush Limbaugh, the real antichrist is elected and the Mayan calendar ends. What the Mayans have to do with Yahweh is a mystery since they are pagans and while their calendar ends, they start a new one.

    FTW!!

  23. #23 Feynmaniac
    April 17, 2009

    Alan Clarke is going to be mad when he finds out that his response to Josh’s geology was leaked out.

  24. #24 Josh
    April 17, 2009

    Alan Clarke is going to be mad when he finds out that his response to Josh’s geology was leaked out.

    PRICELESS!

  25. #25 Darrell E
    April 17, 2009

    Raven at #11.

    I usually enjoy reading your posts, but that one was really special. Thank you for providing me with some heartfelt laughter. If you don’t already have a Molly it is definitely time.

  26. #26 PinheadX
    April 17, 2009

    It makes predictions, so it’s scientific! LOL

  27. #27 Mbee
    April 17, 2009

    There’s one thing missing from all these timelines.
    Where is Satan and what was he doing all this time? (besides burying fossils)
    Or was god supposed to have created him too?

    Nobody seems to care about him. He always get left out of the loop – Isn’t he supposed to be gods equal on the dark side?

  28. #28 gman
    April 17, 2009

    Question: What’s the significance of the 2005 entry “Mike Behe destroys ID”??

  29. #29 Rev. BigDumbChimp
    April 17, 2009

    Question: What’s the significance of the 2005 entry “Mike Behe destroys ID”??

    This

  30. #30 fyreflye
    April 17, 2009

    Why did no one suggest this guy?

    “He is founder and chairman of the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, formerly the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal (CSICOP), the Council for Secular Humanism, the Center for Inquiry and Prometheus Books. Taught at Vasser, Trinity, and Union colleges, and the New School for Social Research.
    He is editor in chief of Free Inquiry magazine, a publication of the Council for Secular Humanism. He was co-president of the International Humanist and Ethical Union (IHEU). He is a Fellow of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, and Humanist Laureate and president of the International Academy of Humanism. As a member of the American Humanist Association, he contributed to the writing of Humanist Manifesto II. Former editor of Humanist, 1967-78. The asteroid (6629) Kurtz was named in his honor.”

  31. #31 James F
    April 17, 2009

    Where’s the date for the utter and complete demise of Darwinism?

  32. #32 blf
    April 17, 2009

    0 AD?
    Year zero?
    What calendar are they using?

  33. #33 Glen Davidson
    April 17, 2009

    Where’s the date for the utter and complete demise of Darwinism?

    Five to ten years in the future. At any date.

    Glen D
    http://tinyurl.com/6mb592

  34. #34 natural cynic
    April 17, 2009

    Awwwww c’mon. Give ‘em a break. Since Behe believes in an old earth, the timeline might look like the previous one posted, except that all of the major points on the left side are transposed to the right side with the addition of maybe and/or somehow the designer put in front of each term.

    Or, maybe not.

    Two important timepoints are missed:
    1987? – creationists mutates to cdesign proponentists
    1991 – Darwin on Trial
    [and 1991 - Darwin acquitted, Johnson indicted for prosecutorial misconduct]

  35. #35 Qwerty
    April 17, 2009

    #30 – I think you meant to post this on the “Sandwiched…” thread.

  36. #36 Diego
    April 17, 2009

    @ #1: And I have another slight nitpick. The convention is to place BC after the year, but to put AD in front of it.

    “6000 BC” is correct, but you should have said “AD 2000″ rather than “2000 AD”.

  37. #37 James F
    April 17, 2009

    #33

    Well played, Glen D!

  38. #38 Drosera
    April 17, 2009

    4004 BC: Galaxies, Earth, mountains, fossils, extant organisms, etc., etc. created as if they were as old as they really are.

  39. #39 Sili
    April 17, 2009

    I thought ID wasn’t supposed to be religious.

    So why do they use AD/BC rather than BCE/CE?

  40. #40 PaulBurnett
    April 17, 2009

    blf, #32, wrote: “0 AD? Year zero? What calendar are they using?

    Dishonesty Institute archeologists have recently dug up ancient coins dated 237 BC.

  41. #41 tim Rowledge
    April 17, 2009

    I haven’t bothered to look it up (it really isn’t important enough to waste the googlons) but I seem to remember hilarious posters on the classroom walls back in the day (ah, when men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real…. etc.etc.) that claimed the universe would only last 6000 years. Something about 2000 from creation to something important (abraham?) then 2000 from then till the messiah and then 2000 up to the final battle etc.

    Seems like a pretty solid FAIL to me.

  42. #42 H-Bob
    April 17, 2009

    It is now supposed to be the year 5769 [not 6013!] in the Jewish calender, which is supposed to date back to Creation. Are the Creationists claiming that Jews can’t correctly count their own history ??

  43. #43 MTS
    April 17, 2009

    I don’t know if it’s actually better…they’re both great in different ways.

  44. #44 LiLo
    April 17, 2009

    Somehow all the Satan, fossil stuff reminds me that when I was a child in the Dark Ages in Utah (Oh, wait, it’s still the Dark Ages in Utah) I was taught by W. Cleon Skousen who was one of the founders of the John Birch Society that the reason there were fossils of dinosaurs and such and the reason that they are sequential is that God made our planet by squashing bits and pieces of other planets (where there were dinosaurs, etc.) together like a snowball. It’s the snowball theory of geological sequencing. Yes, even as a child I knew this was total nonsense just like the rest of the John Birch and the commies are coming to get us crap. But it is funny and when I was eleven I thought it was totally hysterical.

  45. #45 mythusmage
    April 17, 2009

    H-Bob, April 17, 2009 5:09 PM

    History didn’t start until Adam and Even got their eviction notice.

  46. #46 Allytude
    April 17, 2009

    Aah, so that is how it is going to be???

  47. #47 Katkinkate
    April 17, 2009

    I nominate Raven (#11) for the April Molly!

  48. #48 Peter Morris
    April 17, 2009

    And here is another timeline… The Universe-as-we-mostly-know-it VS … well, what the YECs know. The pale blue dot knows.

  49. #49 RobertDW
    April 17, 2009

    H-Bob, the Jewish calendar doesn’t date back to creation. It dates back to before creation.

    Since about the third century CE, the Jewish calendar has used a calendar era anno mundi (“in the year of the world”), abbreviated AM. The beginning of “year 1″ is not Creation, but about one year before Creation. This caused the new moon of its first month (Tishrei) to be called molad tohu (the mean new moon of chaos or nothing).

  50. #50 Peter Morris
    April 17, 2009

    Oops… I should have read down more of Pharyngula before posting the above link… my timeline was already there… Can I add ‘As seen on Pharyngula’ to my blog?
    :-) Just kidding… :-)

  51. #51 Alex Deam
    April 17, 2009

    Shouldn’t it be “Claims to cure cancer” ??

    Nah. Once the effects of Teach the Controversy are allowed to kick in, and the immoral God-hating darwinists and their Big Science stop brainwashing and cannibalizing our babies, then Real Science will get done, with no evilution to hold us back from curing cancer.

  52. #52 Timebender13
    April 17, 2009

    I want to see what a “rapture portal” looks like. I dont want to go through one, just to look.

  53. #53 Alyson Miers
    April 17, 2009

    That timeline makes about as much sense as the IDiots ever do.

  54. #54 aratina cage
    April 17, 2009

    blf is right, there is no 0 AD (0 didn’t exist in Europe when BC/AD was created). The timeline should flip from 1 BC to 1 AD.

  55. #55 Primewonk
    April 17, 2009

    Timebender13 @ 52 said, “I want to see what a “rapture portal” looks like. I dont want to go through one, just to look.”

    PW – From what I understand, it looks a lot like the giant vagina statue Marie made on Everybody Loves Raymond. Only angrier.

  56. #56 James F
    April 18, 2009

    Timebender13 #52

    I want to see what a “rapture portal” looks like. I dont want to go through one, just to look.

    “Have you ever seen a portal?”

    (Donnie Darko spoiler within)

The site is currently under maintenance and will be back shortly. New comments have been disabled during this time, please check back soon.