World's Fair

This just in from the upcoming edition of The Journal of Zombie Studies. A must have experimental checklist for any Faculty Senate Subcommittee on Monitoring of Upper Administrative Activities.

Experiment: Administrator A was asked why he/she is paid such a high salary, even though he/she has not: 1) published a scholarly work in many years; 2) presented work at an academic or scientific conference in many years; or 3) taught a course in many years. Administrator A made a low groaning noise and then answered: “I contribute a lot to this university.” Conclusion: Possible zombieism.

Experiment: Administrator B was secretly followed for one week. After subtracting baseline activities such as eating lunch or using the restroom, during this week Administrator B was observed participating in the following activities: 42%: sitting in meetings with no tangible outcome; 21%: talking to people while standing in hallways or doorways; 19%: talking to people while sitting at their desk; 8% signing papers without reading them; 3%: unclassifiable activities. Conclusion: Inconclusive, but the unusually high percentage of conversations conducted while standing is suspect.

Experiment: Administrator C was invited to a luncheon where human brains (legally obtained) had secretly been baked into the macaroni and cheese casserole. Midway through the luncheon, Administrator C remarked on the unusual taste of the macaroni and cheese, but continued to eat it. Conclusion: Strongly suggestive of zombieism.

Experiment: Administrator D was “accidentally” hit in the back of the head with a shovel. Administrator D immediately lost consciousness, then spent 4 days in the hospital, followed by three weeks in a residential recovery center for people with traumatic brain injuries. Conclusion: Possibly not a zombie.

Experiment: Administrator E was put into a room with: 1) a piece of intellectual property that was potentially patentable, 2) an exciting new fundamental discovery about the mass of neutrinos, and 3) a piece of cake. Administrator E was observed for several minutes, during which he/she checked their phone for messages, and attempted to adjust their hair using the reflection from a picture hanging on the wall, while completely ignoring all three planted items. When the investigator entered the room, Administrator E asked: “Hey, when is this meeting going to start?” Conclusion: Possible zombie.

Experiment: Administrator F was asked to justify his/her existence. Administrator F simply shook his/her head and walked away from the investigator. Conclusion: zombie.

Overall Conclusion: Are you fricking kidding me? Of course they’re fricking zombies.

Comments

  1. #1 tyler
    July 1, 2010

    Guys… Its Canada Day. How can you erase CANADA DAY by celebrating international zombie day? Seriously, this is kind of annoying. You could have picked July 2nd and no one would care. But July 1st? We’re your neighbors, right next to you! You’re supposed to be celebrating our birthday and our awesomeness!

  2. #2 eddie
    July 1, 2010

    You’re right. International Zombie Day all over the world is 4th July. Always has been. Always will be.

  3. #3 Zuskbie
    July 1, 2010

    hahahahahahahahaha! Very funny!

    And yet, I cry, belonging to both these categories: Former Bench Scientist. Former University Administrator. I’ve encountered zombies in both places.

  4. #4 jon
    July 1, 2010

    Oops. Who let Canada’s computer online today? Your awesomeness is quite safe from Zombies. They prefer brains.

  5. #5 AJ Larrieu
    July 11, 2010

    Is there a way to test grad students for vampirism? Professors for lycanthropy?

  6. #6 ranggaw0636
    July 12, 2010

    Hmm, maybe i should try shooting my professor with a silver bullet to test if he a lycan

  7. #7 shiv kumar
    mathura
    January 14, 2013

    top most