Experiments Performed on Various High Level University Administrators To Determine Whether or Not They are Zombies

This just in from the upcoming edition of The Journal of Zombie Studies. A must have experimental checklist for any Faculty Senate Subcommittee on Monitoring of Upper Administrative Activities.

Experiment: Administrator A was asked why he/she is paid such a high salary, even though he/she has not: 1) published a scholarly work in many years; 2) presented work at an academic or scientific conference in many years; or 3) taught a course in many years. Administrator A made a low groaning noise and then answered: "I contribute a lot to this university." Conclusion: Possible zombieism.

Experiment: Administrator B was secretly followed for one week. After subtracting baseline activities such as eating lunch or using the restroom, during this week Administrator B was observed participating in the following activities: 42%: sitting in meetings with no tangible outcome; 21%: talking to people while standing in hallways or doorways; 19%: talking to people while sitting at their desk; 8% signing papers without reading them; 3%: unclassifiable activities. Conclusion: Inconclusive, but the unusually high percentage of conversations conducted while standing is suspect.

Experiment: Administrator C was invited to a luncheon where human brains (legally obtained) had secretly been baked into the macaroni and cheese casserole. Midway through the luncheon, Administrator C remarked on the unusual taste of the macaroni and cheese, but continued to eat it. Conclusion: Strongly suggestive of zombieism.

Experiment: Administrator D was "accidentally" hit in the back of the head with a shovel. Administrator D immediately lost consciousness, then spent 4 days in the hospital, followed by three weeks in a residential recovery center for people with traumatic brain injuries. Conclusion: Possibly not a zombie.

Experiment: Administrator E was put into a room with: 1) a piece of intellectual property that was potentially patentable, 2) an exciting new fundamental discovery about the mass of neutrinos, and 3) a piece of cake. Administrator E was observed for several minutes, during which he/she checked their phone for messages, and attempted to adjust their hair using the reflection from a picture hanging on the wall, while completely ignoring all three planted items. When the investigator entered the room, Administrator E asked: "Hey, when is this meeting going to start?" Conclusion: Possible zombie.

Experiment: Administrator F was asked to justify his/her existence. Administrator F simply shook his/her head and walked away from the investigator. Conclusion: zombie.

Overall Conclusion: Are you fricking kidding me? Of course they're fricking zombies.