Skepticards for the hopeful godless

Those fine folks behind Skepticon are already planning ahead to the next event, and have begun fundraising so they can keep the convention cheap to attend. They are smart people. However, the way they're trying to raise a little cash now is by selling Valentine's Day cards. Don't they know that godless skeptics are heartless, cold, unfeeling people who don't know what love is?

Anyway, if you choose to buy some for amusement — you know, so you can aloofly ponder in a detached, intellectual way the strange rituals of these emotional hu-mans — you know where to go. You can put custom messages in them, or use some of their pre-designed cards. Which is where it gets a little disturbing. This is one of them.

Oooh, that's not going to work at all.

1. My wife is definitely going to outlive me. She's inherited all these amazing Scandinavian longevity genes, plus she's got the body of a hot 20 year old, while I'm already lurching into senescent crepitude. Now if the card suggested you were waiting for the TrophyWife™ to be freed up…

2. The only way I'll ever be single is if she gets fed up and leaves me, and then I'm the type of guy who'll spend the rest of his life mooning about his lonely, empty house, pining away for his one true lost love, and my last words on my deathbed will be to whisper her name. I'll be adding "pathetic" to "unsexy" in my résumé.

3. It's setting the bar rather low, don't you think? No one in my entire life has ever found me romantically or sexually attractive, making this message rather ironic. They should also have another card with the message "Sure, you can be my valentine, at least until Quasimodo over there gets done ringing his bells."

So please do help them out and order their Valentine's cards, just don't get that one. Unless there's someone you really want to insult.