I know what I feel, and I don't like it. I don't know what to say, and I don't like that, either.
I've been trying to write this post for two hours and three beers now, and I've spent most of that time staring at a blank white box on the screen. I've started to write things time after time, and I've deleted them time after time, and for all I know I'll throw out this attempt five minutes from now. Or maybe not. It's been another hour and another two beers and I don't seem to have managed to write anything else, but those few words are still staring back at me as I look into the screen.
And I still don't know what to say. And I still don't like that.
I've been trying to write this post for four hours and six beers and I've spent most of that time staring blankly past the screen. I've written things in my mind and they've never made it to my fingers. I've started to write with my fingers and pounded them against the keys until they burned and the keyboard keys jammed and I'm still left without the words I need.
And I don't like that.
I like words. I like to use words. Words are the tools that can be used to shape thoughts, to show logic, to highlight rationality. But that tool isn't working for me now. There is no logic to what I'm feeling. I can't pin down my emotions in clean, logical sentences. I can't capture these emotions and display them in all their glory for all to see.
And I do like that, because I'm not sure that I want them there for all to see.
I'm angry. I feel frustrated, helpless, and powerless and I don't like that, and that's making me angrier and I don't like that. I have never been this angry before, and I sure as hell hope I never get this angry again. I've learned, for the first time, what hate really feels like. It doesn't feel good. And I still don't have the words that I need - so very badly - right now.
And I don't want anybody to feel like I feel, but I want everybody to know why I feel it.
I'm angry and frustrated and helpless and powerless because there are five families that will very soon see serious men in green uniforms knocking at their door with a message of deep regrets. There are 13000 families who have just gotten the message that one combat zone deployment isn't enough for today's weekend warrior. There are 15000 families that will soon get the message that one year isn't a long enough deployment, even if it is the second or third or fourth time they've gone out. All of this is going on today, and today the man who is responsible for every one of these troops and every one of these families wisecracked his way through a speech and threatened these families with more harm if he doesn't get his way.
And I really don't like that, because "these families" includes my family.
I've been trying to write this post for still another hour (but I've laid off the beer) and I spent most of that time looking at the children. Our children are the part of my family that I can see right now, but not the only part I want to see. The boy is asleep, curled up with the dog - or did the dog curl up with him. The girl is asleep, and she's holding a dogtag in one hand and her favorite blanket in the other. My wife is awake and working hard, on a base in the desert half a world away. The dogtag in our daughter's hand says, "My MOM is serving in Operation Iraqi Freedom."
If I liked that, I'd be insane.
My wife should be coming home soon, but everyone else in her unit is almost certainly going to be in that group of 15000 who are going to be staying for longer than they expected. I'm relieved and happy for us but I feel selfish and guilty and won't be able to look the other families in the eye.
You can guess how much I'm liking that.
I'm sitting here trying to find the words I need to describe these emotions that I feel because I know how I feel. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. And I know that the man - the person - the allegedly human being - responsible doesn't have a single damn clue about what he's doing to real people.
And I don't think he'd care if he did.
He's an active voice decider in the first person, but things only go wrong for him in the third person passive. He's the one who's right and anyone who disagrees is wrong, and he knows that's the way it really is way deep down in his twisted little truthy gut. He's right, the rest of us are wrong, so it's fine to sneer at opponents and blame them for the things that he's doing now.
And that's why I read this morning that 15000 troops will be extended in Iraq. That's why I read this morning that 13000 troops in National Guard and Reserve units that have deployed once already are being told that they're going back into the box. And that's why I read this morning that President George W. Bush said today that if Congress doesn't do what he - George Bush - wants Congress to do, "some of our military families could wait longer for their loved ones to return from the front lines" and other military families "could see their loved ones headed back to war sooner than anticipated" and that "this is unacceptable."
On a day when he was sending 13000 troops back sooner than anticipated, on a day when he decided 15000 military families would have to wait longer for their troops to return from the front lines, he said that it would be unacceptable to him if Congress' refusal to give him the cash forced him to do exactly that. Because, after all, it's perfectly acceptable if he's doing those things because he decided that it was what he should do.
And this is where words leave me, and where emotions overwhelm me. People I know, people I love, are caught up in this madness, but this twisted little freak is acting like it's a game. He's standing up there, he's ignoring his mistakes that got us there, he's demanding that we ignore his mistakes and let him keep doing whatever the hell he wants because he's the Decider-in-Chief, and real people, real families, are left twisting in the wind because we're the leverage that he hopes will force Congress to bow to his royal will.
And I'm left here, looking at the empty bottles and trying to figure out where the last few hours went, because I still don't have the right words to capture the depths of my outrage, frustration, contempt, and hate.
And maybe that's because they don't exist.
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You did pretty well, though. I feel for you. And with you, though of course to a lesser degree. I've sent this to people and posted a link on my blog...
I still remember when (approximately) 1 million people marched in London to protest the war. Tony Blair's response: The protesters have blood on their hands.
The lying little d*ck wanted to send troops to Iraq on a lie he'd concocted for a war Bush wanted, and he - clearly - was innocent in all this, it was the protesters who had blood on their hands.
They're all lying b*stards, without a shred of humanity in them.
mike,thanks for the attempt. it couldn't succeed because the words don't exist. what can you say about people who've never done and yet keep telling people to go back and do it again?what can you say to families waiting, families who drop everything and stare at the screen or radio when the word comes on that troops were killed and wounded in iraq and afghanistan today?families wondering is one mine and the persons you're talking to have never waited for more than booze or coke.thanks for trying and keep trying. that's the only way this madness will end.we love you, the children,nicole and the troops and want this to be over. me
I don't know what to say. Except that ... we live these days with rage and dread. I hate it. Hug those kids for me.
I posted a link to this on my blog.
If and when the war ends, you should compile these 'homefront' essays and get them published. It'll be too late - nay, strike that, it is already too late - to impact the political powers that be on the execution of this war, but just maybe it might make someone, somewhere a little bit wiser before the next one. Or maybe not, but it's worth a try.
- JS
When the fecal-Midas vetoes the current funding bill, maybe the congress can revive Murtha's plan for demanding readiness and training benchmarks before deployments.
Rage is appropriate.
Yes, rage is appropriate and I cringe every time I hear Bush speak and I can't believe we still have a year to go with this guy in office, but is there anything we can do now to change his mind? How can we improve the situation now, without having to wait until the next presidential election to get someone with more of a brain in charge?
Rage is not enough.
St. Augustine: "Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."
I got that quote via Chris Hedges on The Colbert Report a while back.
Because, after all, it's perfectly acceptable if he's doing those things because he decided that it was what he should do.
That's right. It is perfectly acceptable. He's the Commander in Chief. It's his job to make decisions like that. You may disagree with the decisions he makes, but you have no grounds for claiming that he shouldn't be making them, or that someone else should.
Perhaps you should be directing your rage at the insurgents who make it impossible for our troops to leave Iraq, because they refuse to quit even when they have no chance of victory. Perhaps if you and your fellow peaceniks hadn't been doing everything you possibly could to undermine the war effort and give moral aid and comfort to the enemy for the last four years, the terrorists would have lost heart and given up, and then we could be bringing your wife and the rest of those fifteen thousand soldiers and marines home today, instead of being forced to keep them in that ghu-forsaken sandbox. But as long as the enemy keeps fighting, we have to keep fighting. Bush understands that, even if you don't.
I know, you think that's a cruel, callous thing to say. I agree. It is. I wish I didn't have to say it. Unfortunately, it goes with the times. War is a cruel, vicious, callous thing. It does cruel, vicious things to everyone it touches. That's what makes it a thing to be avoided as much as possible. But that's also what makes it a thing that you can't do halfheartedly. Because if you don't finish the enemy when you have the chance, they'll come back later, stronger, and then it will only cost more to defeat them.
Tell me, how would you have reacted if this was sixty years ago and your loved one was gone "for the duration?" In the Second World War, most soldiers didn't see home again between the day they were inducted and the day they were discharged.
Oh, I don't know. If he can't get funding for his war, it would be a pretty bad decision as Commander in Chief to keep it going, neh? He's not in charge of funding, and you have no grounds for claiming that he should be.
Holy shit, are you serious? Is this the same way the hippies lost the Vietnam war for us?
And yet our fearless leaders happily jumped into it like pigs into the mud. And you're wondering why people who actually have family on the line question Bush's ability to lead?
Oh come off it. This is no World War II, and no matter how much Bush may think he is, he's no Roosevelt or Churchill. It's simply another episode of dumbfuck adventurism gone wrong, and now that a poorly planned, badly executed, stupid idea has turned south, the right is trying to scapegoat those of us who pointed out that it was a bad idea for not cheering hard enough. The Commander in Chief is a tough guy. He says so himself. He's not Tinkerbell and he doesn't need us to clap our hands for him.
Well said, Mike (and Troublesome Fog).
Thank you, thank you , thank you. You took the words right out of my mouth...but I couldn't find the words to say it!