I hope someone got a refund...

...because it's been more than 10 days since their "hit man" sent me the warning.

I'd forgotten how amusing a good email scam can be, because the filter in my gmail account has gotten pretty good at figuring out what's spam and what's not. I was reminded a few minutes ago when I went in and looked at a dormant email account of mine that I hadn't opened for a few months:

fromjohnkiki014 Gazeta.pl <johnkiki014@gazeta.pl>


dateMon, Jun 23, 2008 at 7:54 AM



I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don't comply, i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 10 days.

Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told us that he wants you dead and he provided us your names, photograph and other necessary information we needed about you. If you are in doubt with this I will send you your name and where you are residing in my next mail.

Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebody will want you dead by all means. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $8,000 is all you need to spend. You will first of all pay $3,000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $5,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now.

Warning: do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well.

For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who want you dead then you can use it to take any legal action. Good luck as I await your reply to this e-mail contact: b.patbulle2121@gmail.com

Mr.Celestine chuks

The date on that was 6/23/08, so I think it's safe to say that my ten day grace period is over. And I still have a pulse - I just checked.

I don't really know what's sadder, though - that someone thinks something like that would work as a scam, or that they're almost certainly right.


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Making death threats via email. That's original. Also highly illegal. As in go to jail for life illegal. I do hope you forwarded this to the proper authorities.

It might be just a little more convincing if he used better grammar. I love it he might 'spear your life' for only $8,000. Thanks for a good laugh.

I like the ambiguity -- send me the money ". . . -and I might just spear your life . . ." Which, by my calculations, means he would get paid by both the victim and the perpetrator and still gets to spear you. Nice gig.

Heh. I've received that one a couple of times now.

My favourite bit is this: "Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be. "

Tremble in fear! I've been surveilling you so closely that I can't be specific about the place you think is safer for you to hide!

By Ginger Yellow (not verified) on 05 Feb 2009 #permalink

So much for that Celestine prophecy.

I think the real question is, where's my f***ing money?

I always wonder what happens when real killers get this type of message? Your your average organized crime type who made his first million the hard way, you bullied and broke legs and killed your way into respected status with your peers.

Some guy e-mails you telling you that a contract has been laced on your head. Now these guys are wiling to spend literal millions defending their turf and reputations. You figure sending Bruno and Vinny over to Nigeria, or hiring local talent at favorable local rates, to wipe out a family, or two, in the general vicinity of where the threat came from is good for the rep and your business. I mean if you can get someone half a world away it is a pretty clear message to anyone that if they piss you off there is really nowhere to hide.

If you see a video of a guy claiming to be Mr.Celestine slowly dismantled with rose shears and a pen knife go viral you will know what happened. It's just a real killer making a point and polishing his rep.