The name sounds so benign: what could be better than friendship? Why, friendship with benefits, of course!
But when a friendship moves from platonic to sexual, even if both partners claim they're not "romantic," doesn't the dynamic of that relationship necessarily change? It's a puzzle that's often discussed in locker rooms, chat rooms, and online forums, but according to the New York Times, hasn't been the subject of much formal study.
An article in the Times discusses one recent study on the subject, conducted by communications researchers Melissa Bisson and Timothy Levine:
[They] surveyed 125 young men and women and found that 60 percent reported having had at least one friend with benefits.One-tenth of these relationships went on to become full-scale romances, the study found. About a third stopped the sex and remained friends, and one in four eventually broke it off -- the sex and the friendship. The rest continued as friends-with-benefits relationships.
So, doing the math, it looks like about 40 percent of friends with benefits (FWB) relationships are sustainable over the long term. That 60 percent figure for number of people who've had FWB relationships might seem quite high-- but it's supported by the informal poll in the MacRumors forum I linked to.
The Times article also discusses some of the pros and cons of FWB. As you might expect, people like the idea of having sex without romantic commitment, but they worry that an FWB relationship might destroy the friendship. A second study by Bisson and Levine suggests that there really are communication problems in FWB relationships, since discussing sex often becomes taboo. The study also suggested that there was some confusion among survey respondents as to what FWB really is. Is having sex with someone you're not really friends with an FWB relationship? Sounds more like plain-old casual sex to me.
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It's been my experience (from observation and personal experience) that FWB relationships are inherently unstable. I wonder how many of these FWB were mutually agreed upon. Did the other person know that's all the respondent wanted? Also, many times I see that people get into them thinking, either consciously or subconsciously, that they can win the other person over.
A people can be just good friends, but the moment they have sex, it's a relationship. Some deep genetically coded switch, in at least one of them will be set and things will be different between them after that for good or for ill. It's just the way we are built.
I do think that FWB is quite possible. Being swingers, my husband and I have made a number of friends with which we also enjoy a sex. We're not in a relationship with these people beyond friendship, nor are we committed to them. It's fun, and no one's looking to take the other partner away.
sarah beat me to it, but i was going to ask about swingers. seems studying a group that is consciously engaging in fwb relationships would yield quite different results than the general public who may stumble into them randomly or as the survey discovered, aren't even able to identify.
that said, im pleasantly surprised the number of fwb relationships that simply continued was as high as it was. perhaps people are more aware of their actions than we might think.
and just for the record, i think ideas like dv8's "the moment they have sex...it's just the way we are built" are antediluvian.
40% are sustainable?
My reading of the stats is that FWB is a problem in 25% of cases (the one in four that broke off both the friendship and the sex). 75% of the time, FWB either has no effect on the friendship, or is positive, leading to closer intimacy.
What am I missing?
My experience, both personally and professionally (I am a clinical psychologist working much of the time with couples) is that relationships, particularly between two people, are inherently unstable. That's why you have to work at them.
hiw - are you saying relationships between *more* than two people are more stable?
DV8 2XL. I think one of the primary points of this article is that there is little to no research on what really does happen. Are you referring to some, or is your statement intuitive?
This survey also seems more popular than psychological. What I'm interested in is how these people felt about their friends with benefits relationships while they were in them, and how they felt about them when they changed in the ways explicated by this article.
For example, do those who have cut off sexual relations but say they remain friends have only friendly feelings towards the other person now? And how does person B feel? - Who knows, maybe person B doesn't consider person A his/her friend at all.
Also, what are people feeling while in FWB relationships? I am 100% sure that not everyone who participated in this survey is in his/her FWB relationship for only commitment-free sex. How many people wanted to be in a relationship with the other person, but had to settle for FWB relations? How many of these people dated before it became FWB?
There are so many unanswered questions, and though the statistics gathered here are a necessary first step in answering them, this study leaves much to be desired.
LT: Please read the entire study (78 pages) and you'll find the answers to all your questions. Remember, a blurb in a newspaper will never do a study justice.
Oops. I trusted the blog summary too much.
REALLY interesting study.
I am married and have a FWB who is also married. We have known each-other for many years but just recently reconnected. Being married and having a FWB is complicated but can also be great if you both have reasons for staying married but lack the physical intimacy with your spouse. Unfortunately, we never established rules and I am not sure how much communication outside of our "meetings" is appropriate. I am not in love with this man and have no intentions of getting serious with him but I still have feelings and am disappointed when I do not hear from him for awhile. If you are married, I advise that you avoid this kind of relationship and work on your marriage or get out.