Your Friday Dose of Woo: Stringing you along

Another week in the can.

It's been an eventful one, with prizes won, memories revived, and a couple of pesky Holocaust deniers descending to spew their bile. Hard as it is to believe, the year's almost over and the holidays are upon us. You're probably like me, tired of the Christmas carols, commercials urging you to buy, buy, buy since late October, coupled with the frenzy of preparing for the season. After all that, Christmas is only four days away. Perhaps, like me, you would like to take a little break. And, as always, I know just the thing.

It's time once again for a little bit of tasty woo. Even better, it looks like this particular example of woo is tapping into physics itself. Oh, yes. The woos can abuse quantum theory. It was only a matter of time before they discovered string theory, or something that seems to resemble string theory in coincidence only (or maybe they mixed up string "theory" with string therapy:

As a World First, we proudly offer you our new and dynamic Esoteric Healing Arts based purely on the physics of quantum interconnectedness that have been specifically designed to restore Loving Relationships as well as Inner Peace and Harmony within the individual. All Porter 'String' & 'Grid' Therapy techniques are gentle, safe, pain-free, non-touch and healing and may help restore conditions that are difficult for traditional Medical Approaches to resolve.

Of course. Don't they always promise "pain-free, non-touch, and healing" that can "restore conditions that are difficult for traditional medical approaches to resolve"? Not to mention that whole "inner peace and harmony" thing? But how? How can I achieve this wondrous result?

Wonder no more:

Have you heard the phrase 'No Strings attached'? For literally thousands of years eastern cultures have recognized the interaction of unseen energy waves or 'Strings' that permanently exist between all people.

Over time, harmful emotional energies or Toxic 'Strings' can build-up within your Energy Body and Subtle Energy bodies resulting from your emotionally traumatic past experiences that build-up from harmful personal relationships that stop the flow of love within you.

When left untreated these harmful energies or Toxic 'Strings' within you could lead to stress, depression, illness, family and relationship breakdown and eventually: disease manifestation.

I wonder. Are these "toxic strings" anything like the "toxic fecal buildup" that some alties claim to be building up in your colon as you read this and poisoning you. (Really, you should be cleansing that colon now. Don't believe me? Just ask this guy.) After all, the colon is a hollow tube, and something that comes out of it can look like a string, right? I mean, just look at the picture in the link above with a quote by someone named Cory T. underneath it. (I'm always looking for connections between different forms of woo.) And, in case you're wondering what these strings look like, they conveniently show you a diagram:

OK, maybe the connection is tenuous at best. Give me credit for a nice try, though.

I particularly like the part about the "energy wavelength adjustment." I'm really, really interested in how Suzanne Porter (one of what appears to be a husband and wife team responsible for this woo) can achieve the adjustment of an energy wavelength that scientific instruments can't detect. In fact, the whole thing reminds me a bit of the B.S. diagram that PZ intentionally created to mock some fundamentalists, which I'll now steal and show you for comparison:

Notice the similarity between the DNA strand being activated by all the transcription factors and the string between the two people. I do. It's oblivious--I mean obvious. Actually, on second thought, PZ's diagram makes more sense than the string diagram. It really does. (At least PZ stole a picture out of a molecular biology textbook, rather than making one up out of whole cloth. I'm sure you're asking, though, what Suzanne Porter, the woman behind this "string therapy" can do for you. Good question. So, I'll let her answer it in her own words:

Using a specific chart tailored to your requirements and the Esoteric and Intuitive techniques of Porter 'String' Therapy, Suzanne Porter dissolves and harmonizes the harmful energy waves associated with Toxic 'Strings' to restore the flow of love in your personal relationships as well as inner peace and harmony within your entire being.

And you can get all this either by a personal visit by Suzanne herself or--surprise, surprise--by "Distance/Remote with the client anywhere in the world." Indeed, Suzanne promises you: "Total privacy and confidentiality are assured - no information is ever provided to a third party."

Except, of course, the credit card company that processes your payment. After all, Porter is asking $AUD220 for a 1.5 to 2 hour session. Righteous bucks. But, given Porter's qualifications, you should be getting your money's worth, I would think:

Suzanne Porter instinctively knew she was a healer from her earliest memories. Through this knowledge she embarked on a nursing career from 1953 until 1985 during which she reached the status of Deputy Director of Nursing.

Between 1985 through to 1994 her healing career took her in another direction in which she wrote 7 best-selling books on health and dietary lifestyle, during which she toured the world promoting them, including to the USA.

Then from 1994 until the present day her healing powers developed to an even higher level and into the amazing world of Energy Medicine and Radiesthesia through which she learned to use the crystal pendulum and thus developed her amazing healing-physics technique.

Now her critically acclaimed Porter 'String' Therapy modality through her non-touch distance sessions using her dexterity with the pendulum and her highly developed Intuitive are producing some most remarkable results in the field of 'No strings attached'. With no hint of retiring, her 'healing' work of the energy body of the human is being widely sought after by referrals and word of mouth around the world.

Oooh, she uses crystal pendulums. And her husband is a dowser! What other woo can we find here? Let's see. We already have "energy healing" manipulating "energy strings." What else could we find? Think, Orac. What else?

Why, how about this? Yes, indeed, the Porters are apparently into ghost hunting, complete with discussions of deathless souls, crossing over, how to use a crystal pendulum, ghost etiquette, and "afterlife" connections. No woo, apparently, is too much woo for the Porters.

But back to strings. If $AUD220 is too steep for you, you could pay $AUD9.99 and get the Porters' book on "string therapy," which promises:

This fascinating e-book provides you, the reader with an interesting and entertaining glimpse into the fascinating world of unseen energy wavelengths 'strings' that exist between every single person on this planet to one another, including nature. It discusses loving 'Strings' that exist within you and your loving relationships. Toxic 'strings' stop the flow of love.

This includes those loving 'strings' and the toxic emotional 'strings' between the giver and the receiver via the theory of Quantum Interconnectedness.

We call these natural energies 'strings'. I discuss the all-important energy bodies, the ways in which we as humans both form the harmful toxic energies 'strings' and the emotional trauma, damage and the toxic effects they have within the individual when left untreated.

Yes, they mentioned quantum theory, or quantum "interconnectedness," whatever they mean by that. You know when someone brings in quantum theory that you're dealing with some serious woo. But fixing your strings is not all that the Porters can do for you. Ever feel the frustration of having your creative ideas just not flow properly, despite your amazing hypercreativity? The Porters feel for you:

Suzanne Porter is no stranger to 'writer's' block. On many occasions over the years Suzanne has personally experienced the stifling frustration when her super creative ideas simply wouldn't flow. As an avid free-thinker and proven super creative, Suzanne created and developed Innovation 'String' Therapy that could restore your natural flow of Super Creative knowledge, thinking and ideas.

Of course, I seldom get writer's block when blogging, but I do sometimes get it when grant writing. Unfortunately, hypercreativity isn't always the best strategy when writing grant applications. After all, I might get carried away and start proposing studying whether "strings" interconnect us and can be manipulated with human energy for healing effect. That might have the potential to increase my income by following in the footsteps of the Porters, but it would do nothing for my scientific credibility, with the possible exception of my submitting a grant to the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine, where science is--shall we say?--not as much of a concern in evaluating grant proposals. On the other hand, Porter does produce yet another highly convincing diagram; so maybe I could get away with it:

It convinces me. Heck, look at all the things this "innovation string therapy" can supposedly do, including eliminating writer's block, providing greater access to "mind expansion," and restoring your--yes, your!--flow of Super Creative knowledge, thinking, and ideas.

A bargain at $AUD220

And, of course, the Porters have glowing testimonials. But before you consider whether you want to shell out your hard-earned cash for this woo, you might want to consider this disclaimer:

Suzanne Porter and Scott Porter are not medical doctors and they claim no formal training in psychology or medicine. Suzanne Porter and Scott Porter have founded and developed their own field of ENERGY MEDICINE HEALING as Porter 'String' Therapy and Porter 'Grid' Therapy Practitioners and Subtle Energy Body Healers and at no time do they ever diagnose disease. Suzanne Porter and Scott Porter offer their Porter 'String' Therapy and 'Grid' Therapy techniques and Subtle Energy Body Healing modalities based solely on what they see and feel through their highly developed Intuitive that does not replace or substitute for available medical services or alternative health care.

Buzzkill, man. And I was just getting excited about this. Oh, well.

You know, I just thought of something. Perhaps I should introduce the Porters to Lionel Milgrom. I'm sure that, between the Porters' energy healing and "string" therapy and Milgrom's quantum homeopathy, they could make beautiful woo together.

NOTE: Due to the holidays, a new Your Friday Dose of Woo will not appear next week.