A game of Twenty Questions between a hungry HIV-infected, expectant Ethiopian mother, and an affluent North American, where it's clear that the North American isn't very good at the game and also (frankly) doesn't have a clue.

This has to be one of my favourites, written pretty much the day after I listened to Stephen Lewis talk. Anyway, it also ties in with the start of the International AIDS Conference this Sunday. I'm hoping our Canadian government has some choice announcements to make at the beginning, but I guess we'll just see.

AMERICAN: Is it an animal, mineral or vegetable?

ETHIOPIAN: Yes sir, I believe it is all three, sir.

AMERICAN: Hmm... Can I get it online?

ETHIOPIAN: I'm sorry, sir. I do not understand your meaning, sir. On where, sir?

AMERICAN: Online... You know, like at eBay or Amazon?

ETHIOPIAN: I do not think so, sir. You do not need to go all the way to the Amazon, sir.

AMERICAN: Then is it close by?

ETHIOPIAN: Yes, sir. I think it's close by, sir. Definitely don't have to go to the Amazon, sir.

AMERICAN: Is it in my pocket?

ETHIOPIAN: I don't know about that, sir. It is very much a possibility, sir.

AMERICAN: It's not these Viagra pills is it?

ETHIOPIAN: I don't think so, sir. In truth, I do not know what Viagra is, sir.

AMERICAN: It's a kind of medicine. Are you thinking of a medicine?

ETHIOPIAN: Not this time, sir. Maybe next time, sir.

AMERICAN: Can I get it at a mall?

ETHIOPIAN: Mall? Do you mean Mali, sir? Of course, you can get it at Mali, sir. But that is on the other side of Africa and therefore very far away.

AMERICAN: Then, you really should build another mall.

ETHIOPIAN: Yes, sir. Of course, sir. I will try to speak to my friends in Mali at a later date. But for now, can I give you a clue, sir? Here it is, sir. The thing I am thinking of will help me.

AMERICAN: Hmmm..,. O.K. Maybe it was something you saw on Oprah?

ETHIOPIAN: I'm sorry, sir. Again, I do not know what you are talking about, sir. What is this Oprah you speak of, sir.

AMERICAN: Oh, she's great. Not long ago, she had this guest, and he was all like, "I'm soooo in love." Man, back at home, we eat that kind of stuff up.

ETHIOPIAN: Yes! Yes! You can eat it. You can definitely eat it, sir.

AMERICAN: Then is it Atkin's approved?

ETHIOPIAN: Again, I am sorry sir, but I do not...

AMERICAN: That's alright - Atkin's is old news nowadays. But you did say that it is an animal, mineral and a vegetable, right?

ETHIOPIAN: Yes sir. Definitely sir.

AMERICAN: All three, right?

ETHIOPIAN: Yes, sir.

AMERICAN: Hmm... You're not asking for a threesome are you?

ETHIOPIAN: Yes, sir. All threesome, sir.

AMERICAN: Good. Glad I finally guessed it. But just so you know, I'm not interested in that kind of thing. It's immoral. Can I get you lunch instead?

ETHIOPIAN: Yes sir! Thank you, sir! Lunch is the correct answer, sir! That would be most appreciated, sir!

AMERICAN: Don't mention it. Boy, your malls do sell some crazy stuff around here...

I should also mention that behind the scenes, this piece was bounced back and forth with McSweeney's a number of times, but I guess I never could quite deliver the goods for acceptance. Which is a shame, because I liked the intent of the piece, which was to broach these globally relevant topics in a manner that allow a reader to ease into such horrors. And believe me, having been "on the ground" so to speak, I don't even think the word "horror" does it justice.

FIRST EDIT LOOK-SEE

AMERICAN: Is it an animal, mineral or vegetable?

AFRICAN: Yes sir, I believe it is all three.

AMERICAN: Hmmm... Is that your final answer?

AFRICAN: No sir.

AMERICAN: Anything to declare?

AFRICAN: Only that I am thinking of something, sir.

AMERICAN: Pull my finger?

AFRICAN: I'm sorry sir, but I do not understand...

AMERICAN: Are you packing heat?

AFRICAN: It is hot sir, but we are playing a game, yes?

AMERICAN: Do you have AirMiles?

AFRICAN: I don't think so, sir.

AMERICAN: Does it hurt when you cough?

AFRICAN: Yes sir, it does sir.

AMERICAN: White meat or dark meat?

AFRICAN: Both sir. I think you are getting closer sir.

AMERICAN: Excellent. Then, did you floss?

AFRICAN: I don't think I understand sir.

AMERICAN: O.K. but just to clarify, you did say that it is an animal, mineral and a vegetable, right?

AFRICAN: Yes sir. Definitely sir.

AMERICAN: Hmmm... Threesome?

AFRICAN: Yes sir. All threesome sir.

AMERICAN: Excellent! That was a great game! But just so you know, I don't do that kind of stuff. How about I buy you lunch instead?

AFRICAN: Thank you sir,. Lunch is the correct answer sir. And that would be most appreciated sir.

AMERICAN: Wonderful! Alright then - is there a bank machine somewhere around here...?