Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready for your headliner? You've seen him on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and on the HBO special of his sold out tour with Eugene Volokh and Glenn Reynolds, The Barristers of Comedy. Please welcome, from Yale University, Professor Jack Balkin:
Because the Federal Marriage Amendment seems not to have taken off, the Administration is offering this carefully worded substitute, the Protection of Democracy Amendment:Democracy in the United States shall consist only of the union of one Republican candidate and one Presidency. Neither this constitution or the constitution of any state, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that Presidential status or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon non-Republican persons or groups.
Presidential spokesman Scott McClellan explained that the new amendment will ensure that "the wrong sort of people don't hold power in our freedom loving democracy." When asked to specify who the "wrong sort of people" were, he replied, "I didn't say that."
Attorney General John Ashcroft stated that the Administration had tried unsuccessfully to convince the courts that only Republicans could be members of the federal government on the basis of Article IV, section 4, the so-called Republican Government Clause, which states that "The United States shall guarantee to every state in this union, a republican form of government." "As I've said to the courts over and over," Ashcroft explained, " what part of the word "republican" don't you understand?"
Hilarious. Go read the rest of it. And while you're there, take a look at this post analyzing the new Iraqi Constitution:
Article 23.The enumeration of the foregoing rights must not be interpreted to mean that they are the only rights enjoyed by the Iraqi people.
Well, you might as well just invite Bill Brennan and his crazy liberal brethren to set up shop in Iraq. But wait, it gets worse:
They enjoy all the rights that befit a free people possessed of their human dignity, including the rights stipulated in international treaties and agreements, other instruments of international law that Iraq has signed and to which it has acceded, and others that are deemed binding upon it, and in the law of nations. Non-Iraqis within Iraq shall enjoy all human rights not inconsistent with their status as non-citizens.
What? Incorporate international human rights law into the Constitution? Where's the National Review crowd when you need them?
We hope you enjoyed the show. Jack will be selling his new CD, Sewer? I Hardly Know Her, in the lobby as you leave. If you've doubled your two drink minimum, please drive home really fast so the cops will have less time to notice you, and don't forget to tip your waitresses, they all have drug habits to support just like the rest of us. Thanks for coming to the Comedy Outhouse and don't forget to reserve your seats for next week's special show featuring Pauly Shore and Carrot Top.